Sensing Change

I don't like change. I am not an agent of change nor do I like to be apart of anything that has the potential to change. It is funny (curiously) that I am the way that I am, because in reality nothing stays the same except for the Lord:

"Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever." Hebrews 13:8 KJV

There is nothing in our world or in our person that remains static. We live in constant flux, shifting, changing, and adapting to the minutia of molecular structures that exist in our periphery. We are either battling change (as in trying to keep the weight off) or planning change (as in getting pregnant or attempting to stop smoking). Change is all around us, and it impacts us each day.

Consider the freeway. How often do you drive on the highway near your home? For me, it is a constant variable -- with constancy meaning that I must drive the freeway to and from work each day. I get on at Union Hills and I get off at 32nd street. I make a 16 mile one-way trip every morning at 6:30 and every afternoon at 3:30. Yet, despite the constancy, I never know what my daily drive will be. Today it might be smooth sailing, so to speak, all the way into work. No accidents, no slow downs -- the "time to the tunnel estimated at 13 minutes" or it could be one accident after another with my commute zooming from 25 minutes upwards of one hour or more. It just depends on how many people decide to get on the road and how many conflicts (lane issues, car issues or other unknowables) take place at the exact same time when I am on the road. It is a miracle, really, to think that I am able to make it to work at all. I thank God for my car, and I thank Him for travelling Mercy each day.

Even though I don't know what to expect when I get on the freeway, I do not fear driving to work. It is something I MUST do each day. I work, I get paid, and I need that paycheck so I can live and take care of myself and my son. I MUST do it, so I JUST do it.

In other areas of my life, however, I find that I am almost crippled by the fear of change. I want some things to remain the same for ever. For example, I did not want to become a single person after 25 years of marriage (now almost 28). I wanted that part of my life, the part where I was in union with a husband/companion to remain for all my days. I also wanted to keep my life as it was -- same home -- same occupation; but that changed too. I lost my business due to the enconomy, and I lost my home due to foreclosure. In a short two years, I went from married to single, employed to unemployed, home owner to renter. Major change in a very small amount of time is by far the most difficult to deal with and the most challenging to overcome.

I did it because of my great faith in God. Not that my faith was GREAT, but rather that my faith was placed in a GREAT GOD who was able to make my life settled even when it seemed very unsettled to me.

Now, I am on the other side of that major change, yet I still fear anything that might cause my life to take a hit again. My biggest concern now is losing my job. Though I really do not consider this as a high possibility, it looms in the back of my mind simply because it is up to me to keep it. Well, that is not even true -- the Lord keeps me where He wants me, and my responsibility is to do the work assigned (I do the work, the Lord oversees my placement and career progression).

As I consider my options for graduate school, I am now thinking "what if" as in what if I end up out of work at the University of Phoenix and stuck in a program that is not necessarily my best fit? Will I want to invest money, my own (borrowed of course) to pay for a program that may or may not advance my career or provide me with advanced interest in a topic I am passionately all about? Truthfully, the answer is no. I have considered my ways carefully, and the reason I was planning on getting my PhD at UOPX was because I received a significant waiver for tuition. It would have made getting a PhD outrageously easy. Not that the work would have been easy, just the fact that I would have had to borrow a minimum amount and I would have completed the entire program online (and able to use my lunch hour and breaks for classtime).

Now, if I consider that sometime between year one and five, I might be looking for another job, where does that leave me? Am I satisfied with that option, with that focus, with completing a PhD in Higher Education just for the sole reason that it was affordable for me to do it? The hard light of reality says "NO." I will not be satisfied, and I will always wonder if I was truly able to do any other kind of degree, namely English.

The past couple weeks have been difficult, challenging, and filled with uncertainty. I blogged last week (or thereabouts) about my new boss, and the big UNKNOWN of working with a different kind of leadership style. My new boss has arrived, and he is a nice guy. I like him, and I have no doubts as to what kind of leader he will attempt to be for our group. Nothing really has changed, other than I have a new person sitting at the end of my row. He will still coach me, review my progress, and guide me in my career progression, just as my other manager did. His emphasis is the same -- do your work, don't slouch off, don't take advantage of the company. OK, I don't do any of those things, but the grind is getting to me. The goal is to make 100 calls per day, averaging 100 per week. I did the math yesterday on the drive home, only to realize that if you are to average 100 per dials, then you have to do that every day or else the math doesn't work out (consider: 100 dials times 5 days = 500 dials; average is 500/5 or 100). Duh? I didn't pass college math for nothing -- I have been mislead into believing that so long as you AVERAGE your dials you would be ok. I did a test this week, and here is what led me to this conclusion:

353 dials/ 4.5 days = 78.4 dials average (I worked 4.5 days due to a team builder afternoon event)

So this week, I busted my backside to get my work done. I REGd two students for April, bringing my total to 5, with potential of 7 more starts. I only made 78.4 dials on average and I was on the phone talking 2.66 hours per day on average (again, math is 12 hours/4.5 days = 2.66 hours average). The goal is 3 hours of talk time.

In a nutshell, my goal is 100 dials/3 hours talk time and 4-5 reg's per month

It is unspoken, but the emphasis has been on these three items since January. I finally got enough confirmation from various sources to lead me to believe that these are the numbers expected, and that low performers will be the first to go if the company lays off employees in 2012 (they let go 700 in 2011). Things have improved, but the numbers are low again, so could that signal a lay off in summer 2012? Not sure, but this I know: I cannot keep this pace up, I simply cannot.

I come home from work exhausted. I fall asleep in the chair every single night around 8:30. I am up at 5:00 the next morning, and I walk around like a zombie the rest of the time. I am beat, and I am bushed, and I cannot see myself keeping up like this for much longer.

My hope was that I could find another position within the company. I was told that I could start applying when I had 6 months in the job. Now, though, while that might be true -- the up seems to be that you can do that, but it is better to wait until 1 year or more. That is July/August for me, and while that is my plan, I am now considering other options for work. I need to find a different kind of job, a job that is less pressure, less mentally challenging, and will be less -- everything.

Macy's was grueling, but it was a no brainer. I worked at Macy's because Macy's hired me and gave me an opportunity for good work. I killed myself physically working there -- the pain alone was beyond description. I still suffer hip and thigh pain, but it is now infrequent. Macy's was good, but I knew that I couldn't do a job on my feet all day -- not anymore.

UOPX is the opposite. I like that it is a desk job. I sit at my desk all day, and I am content -- my back hurts from sitting long periods, so I can get up when I want and walk around. However, the mental grind of dialing the phone, leaving 80-100 voicemails is too much. My mind goes to sleep, and I simply do the work.

You'd think that talking with students would be good, and for the most part, this is true. I get potentially 2-3 calls a day from new students. They may be interested, they may not. I may get 10 minutes or 30 minutes on the phone with them. It may be pleasant, it may not. The rest of the time, I am calling and leaving messages.

I am eating my words now -- I asked the Lord for good practical work -- twice to be specific. I asked, I begged, and I pleaded with Him to provide me with a job, any job, that would provide good practical work for me to do. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed. The Lord has blessed me in each job He allowed me to take. At Macy's the Lord enabled me to do that work, that difficult work and find favor with my peers and managers. At UOPX, the Lord enabled me to learn how to enroll students, learn how to do the work and do it well. I am blessed, I am producing good work, and my peers and managers see it.

The issue is that in both cases, the Lord specifically asked me if I was willing to do the work. I said YES. Then He asked me if I was willing to do the work EVEN if I didn't necessarily like it or it was difficult to do. I said YES. In both cases, the Lord clearly told me that the work was difficult and that I would not necessarily like it. I didn't want to wait for Him to provide something else, so I said YES, YES, YES to the option of working NOW.

I recall my conversation with the Lord, and it was clearly spoken to me in my spirit, that the job was not of "His Choosing." The job was acceptable to Him, but it was not a good fit for me. I was to wait. I was tired of waiting, I didn't want to wait another minute or day. It had been 18 months of waiting, and I was growing impatient. I wanted to be set free. I wanted out of my marriage, out of my house, and out from under everyone and everything that I considered oppressing to me. I wanted a new job, a new home, and a new life.

I was ready for it, I believed I could do it, and I gave the Lord honor for providing all of the above to me. I am still thanking Him, still giving Him honor, and still believing that He is able to do all things through me. I am willing, I am ready, I am content.

Change. Change scares me. I don't want to change, but I sense that change is coming on me -- and rapidly. I am at the end of my graduate studies at Mercy College, and I am afraid of doing my final paper. I don't know what I am doing. I am not even participating in my last graduate course as I should. I am slacking off, and I am so upset with myself. I am trying to do everything that He wants me to do, and I am failing miserably. I don't want to change. I don't want to go through anything else.

Inside of me, I feel that I am being pulled in one direction. It is not that I don't want to go, more so, it is as if someone is pulling me hard to get me to move forward, and I am standing still. It is like when you were a kid, and you were standing there when a friend comes along, grabs you by the jacket and just yanks you towards him. He wants you to go with him, to follow, and you are stuck, you are not moving. He drags you, literally drags you, and you may yell "Hey, stop -- I am not ready!" He still pulls you, and you either stick to your guns and set your feet and do not move, or you relent and you go with him.

I guess I am sticking to my feet. I say I want to go. I say I am ready. The Lord asks me -- "Are you ready?" I say YES. Then a big hand pulls me, yanks at me to follow, and my head is not turning -- it is looking backward. I don't want to turn around, but that arm is pulling me towards Him. I want to go after Him, of course I do, but I am stuck. I am stuck in a place where I feel comfortable, and I don't want to go anywhere else.

Change brings discomfort. Change alters our perspective and makes us feel out of place for a time. It can be a good thing, it can bring new opportunities, and it can change our path or our focus. It can be a really good thing. It can also be difficult, be challenging, and cause us to TRUST when we don't think we can or feel like we are able to do so.

TRUST. TRUST ME. RELY ON ME. BELIEVE IN ME.

I hear these words in my head, and I know the Lord is telling me to trust Him. I say YES even when my heart falters. I want so much to trust Him, to believe Him. And why shouldn't I do that -- I have been walking in faith for a long time, and He has brought me to this place safely time and time and time again.

He is worthy of my TRUST. He is worthy of my RELIANCE. He is worthy of my BELIEF.

He has proven Himself to me -- there is no more proof necessary. He has shown me His way, He has called me to Him, and He is asking me to go with Him.

Dear Lord,

I surrender all to you. I realize that I am afraid of changing the plans, of going in another direction. I am basing my feelings on fear, which simply is couched in unreal expections or anticipation of unreal events. You are GOD, and I believe in YOU. I trust YOU. I want to follow after YOU today. Give me the GRACE to follow you, and to go where you are sending me. I rely on your judgment and your expertise. I need your provision today. I ask this now in the Name of Jesus, Amen. So be it, thy will be done. Selah!

Anticipation of Change

I struggle with change, even though I consider myself to be a flexible person. I try very hard to "go with the flow" whenever possible, but deep inside I have to be honest -- I don't like change. I really do not like having to change my views, my ways, or my thinking -- and I really do not like to have to alter my attitude or behavior to suit individuals, supervisors or the corporation where I work. I guess the older I get, the more I struggle to accomodate requests that I deem as unreasonable or without merit or value. It is getting harder for me to adapt to the corporate mentality that says it is OK to be less than your best or that it is OK to play the game (and not really mean what you say).

Right now, I am in the midst of change at my workplace. Nothing Earth shattering -- just a new manager to take over my team. I liked my old manager, and I thought he was a nice guy. He made our group fun, and always liked a good laugh. He has not been himself since the turn of the New Year, and last week, we all found out why. He has taken another position within our company, and will be leaving us in the next week or so. I don't mind -- it is important for everyone to be able to move on or up. I guess I just am anticipating change, and well, that just puts me off my game.

In addition to the change in supervisor, I am struggling to deal with some injustice and issues within the company -- corporate policy vs. corporate behavior. My integrity is at stake, and I have already been called a "liar" once. Nothing came of my complaint, and even when I received an apology, the very next day, the "official story" was declared ut factum est (as it was) before the apology. In essence, to save face, I was told "sorry we made a mistake," but the official record shows that I was in error.

I complained, I argued strongly on integrity grounds, but my intentions served only to mark me as a "trouble maker." I don't mean to be a trouble maker -- and I will bend most times -- except for lying, which I detest. So today, the same thing happened again, and after uttering a complaint to my old boss (still my boss until next week), I realized that nothing was going to happen, and that if I persisted, I would be known more readily as a "difficult" person.

It is weird really -- and I am not sure what to do about it. I know that the Lord is my vindicator, and that in this life, we often will be accused and marked as being in error, even when we are not. It is part of the persecution and suffering of our Lord that is demonstrated through our lives. It is conformation to His Suffering, and it brings Him Glory. I know this, yet I still do not like it.

Today, after meeting our new manager, I am left wondering about my role in the organization. I am not concerned about losing my job or anything like that, it is more a feeling that things are about to change, and I am not really going to like the "new way" of doing things. I am set to do my best, to attempt to tow the line, etc. The truth be told, I don't really like towing anyone's line but the Lord's, and that leaves me in a sticky position. I need to keep my head down, and in gear, and I need to focus on doing good work each day. I have no knowlege of how my new manager will conduct the daily business, so I have to be prepared for the worst, hope for the best, KWIM?

Any way, this leaves me in this tight spot now -- not really knowing what to expect, but expecting change nonetheless. It is OK, since my God is in control and no one has authority over HIM. He is Soveriegn, and I am in good hands (like the Allstate jingle). I am in very GOOD hands, this is for certain.

Tomorrow is another day, and hopefully, it will go well. I am happy to have a job, and I plan on doing my best, praying for God's rest, and trusting for His Over-Shepherding so that I can remain safely employed. God is so very GOOD to me. God is so very GOOD all the time.

Everything Is Coming into Focus

Well, I am home today. I was planning on going to church, but ended up staying home due to a bout of intestinal disorder. I am not sure whether this is related to the migraine headache I had on Friday-Saturday or not. Suffice it to say, I am not feeling my best, and so I am sitting here typing while I wait for my son to finish up performing at church.

I spent the majority of the morning working on my graduate plans for advanced studies at the University of Phoenix. I know that I have blogged about the various opportunities I have considered, but this path seems to return to me, and it is the only one where I feel peace. Weird -- because I do feel a sense of peace about Regent University, but I believe that at this time, I am meant to attend UOPX for my PhD and not Regent.

In consideration of the path I am on, and the fact that the Lord has been telling me to "remain" where I am for the past couple weeks, I have decided that I need to stick to what I know, and wait for Him to tell me otherwise. What this means to me is a clear and focused plan of study that will lead to the completion of an advanced degree (His Will). This is my plan so far, which is open to His leading:

• Complete my last course at Mercy College: Humanism in Renaissance Texts this May; submit my thesis on the topic of the "Feminine Divine in Medieval Writings; and graduate with my Masters degree.
• Enroll at the University of Phoenix for one summer online course in Introduction to Statistics. This class is something I have never taken, and I believe it will benefit me for my advanced studies. I can take it for free thanks to my tuition reimbursement from my employer. Tentative dates are June-July, 2012.
• Register at Western International University (an Apollo Group subsidary) for RES 600: Graduate Research Methods, an 8-week online course necessary to satisfy the remaining requirement for my doctoral application. Tentative dates September-October, 2012.
• Register for the Doctoral Success Orientation workshop at some point prior to starting my first class.
• Register for COM 705, the pre-requisite course for all doctoral students starting in November, 2012.
• Once I complete Com 705, I can then be fully admitted to the doctoral program and start my coursework towards completing this degree.

The entire process spans the Summer-early Fall, but will make sure that I have everything I need to be successful in advanced studies.

With my educational path settled, I am considering my options for career advancement. Right now, I have been in Enrollment Services for 7 months. I am in the process of completing my Senior Advisor requirements so that I will be eligible for a promotion on my 1st year anniversary. This path will require that I complete 45 tutorials on various topics preparing me for greater roles and more responsibility. I wasn't pleased with this progression, and I felt that the entire sequence was wickedly oppressive -- I mean -- all this in addition to completing graduate school. But, then I considered the course work, and realized that if my goal is to eventually work as a Director of Academic Affairs or Programs, etc., I need to be prepared for interpersonal communication and organizational management. These courses are generic but they cover practical and useable topics. Yes, it is a lot of work, and yes, I have to do them on my lunch hour (well, I can do them during the day, but that cuts into my numbers and talk time -- and that is the bottom line for success in my job). I am planning on spending 3-4 days a week completing a tutorial. This will allow me to complete the entire course in about 4 months. I should be ready to be promoted by then, and hopefully my numbers will prove I am worthy of being a Senior Advisor.

My goal then is as follows:

• Complete the Sr. Advisor tutorials between now and my anniversary, July 2012
• Hopefully obtain a promotion to Sr. Enrollment Advisor
• Begin my Executive Advisor tutorials and complete as many as possible between July 2012 and July 2013 (year minimum for promotion)
• Between January 2013 and July 2013, look for opportunities to move from Enrollment over to Academic Affairs. Roles I would be interested in applying for include Faculty Program Manager in the College of Humanities.
• Once I can move into AA and then into a solid academic role, I will focus on learning as much as I can in management and organization project skill as possible.
• Complete my PhD and continue to work progressing up through Associate Director to Director of Academic Affairs by 2021.

My plan would be to stay with UOPX, but at the point when I am considering Director positions, I would entertain any option even if it were at another school. It really will depend on my relationship and abilities for forward movement.

So for now, that is my plan of action. It encompasses the two aspects of the Lord's expressed will for my life:

1. Complete my advanced studies degree by 2017
2. Work in a managerial level role over people, programs or resources

It is up to the Lord to move me, so all I can do is the tasks associated with each item, making sure I focus and complete everything to His Satisfaction. He is responsible for the rest. He moves me, He empowers me, He grows me, He changes me, He employs me, and He calls me to do His Expressed Will. I am content and I am at rest in His Mighty and Most Majestic Will.

Amen, so be it, thy will be done. Selah!

Breaking the Silence

I cannot believe that I am actually awake this morning. I am normally at work at this time, 7:00 a.m., and most days I struggle to get out of bed. Today is Sunday, a day when I can sleep in to at least 8:00. Nope, I woke up at 6:15 a.m., very bright eyed and bushy tailed -- ready to take on the world. My boys were up, of course, but they were being "nice" to me. Not really too annoying, some crying, some getting at the window blind. I could have stayed in bed, but I was awake, so I just got up.

Now I am sitting here blogging, listening to the racket out on the green. My neighbor has two little dogs that are very poorly behaved. He refuses to keep them on leash, and they run all over the green, barking and charging at the other dogs. It is 7:00 on a Sunday morning, for goodness sake! Then he yells at them to heel, to listen, to stop. Hasn't this man watched "The Dog Whisperer?" Rules, boundaries and limitations is my motto -- and I agree with Cesar Milan that dogs need a pack leader. Cats, all animals need a pack leader. And, strangely enough, people need a pack leader too.

God is my Pack Leader. He is the one who exercises rules, boundaries and limitations on my life. Most people don't like that idea, they don't want anyone to tell them what to do (or not to do). The problem is that most people will not impose rules, boundaries and limitations on themselves, so without any order -- they live in chaos. This chaos then spills out into the community, starting first with their family, then to extended family, friends, and finally into the local public. It is simple really -- either police yourself, or have someone else do it for you.

In a civilized society, we have laws and people who do that, but the ownership is jointly held. Personal policing is the individual's responsibility. Corporate policing belongs to the public officials who look out for the good of the larger collective.

Why people do not police themselves is a mystery to most folks; but the Bible clearly points the finger at sin. Sin is the root cause of the reason why human beings are unable to police themselves. There is no law that regulates them internally because Man chose to separate himself from the LAWGIVER. The Lord functions as our Chief Officer, and provides a way for us to learn how to live within the boundaries of His Law through the blessing of the Holy Spirit. Without the internal guidings of the Holy Spirit, we are unable to live in control, to live in such a way as we are no longer in chaos.

Of course, all of this comes through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ, the SON OF GOD, and in whose blood we are cleansed of all our sins (past, present and future). Through Jesus, we are able to be reconciled to the LAWGIVER, and we find the peace that provides that sense of internal control we so desparately desire.

I know that I was once in chaos. My life, internally speaking, was out of control. I was POWN'd as my son likes to say ("Player Owned" as in game-speak) by my emotions. I lived from one emotional wave to the next. I was a mess, never feeling like I could face any trial or hurdle, and always suffering from stress disorders, mental breaks, and overwhelming feelings of insecurities. I was unable to function -- often lashing out when pushed, often breaking down when confronted by others. I ran from conflict, and I hid from matters that required a strong and steady hand to resolve them.

My life and my emotions drove my choices, and I am living now as a result of those choices. I have no one to blame anymore. I am the one who chose to do certain things, and I am the one who made decisions that took me certain directions. I am where I am today because I either made the choice to go this way, or I ran that way.

Yes, most certainly, I share the blame in some situations; but generally speaking, it all filters down to the one who said "yes or no," and I am that "one."

In hindsight, I see all the errors. I see all the missed opportunities, and I see all the sorrow I caused myself and others through my failure to act or take action. I also see the reasons why I did what I did. I see the choices, and I see the impetus for making the decision to choose a way. Had I referred all those decisions and choices to the ONE who was able to direct me to the BEST way, I would have enjoyed a far different outcome.

It makes no matter now, for I am where I am this day because of my past. The good news is that I no longer am living under that rule of chaos, and instead, I am enjoying the freedom of living within the LAWGIVERS blessed rules, boundaries and limitations. I am free now to be in peace, and to move in ways that are always pleasing to Him. As I do the things that please Him, I receive confirmaion through His Blessings upon my life. My path, so to speak, is blessed. I live and breathe and move in His Peace. This Peace is a gift of Grace, and it surrounds and imbues my life so that I am no longer living with the anxst of an emotional roller coaster ride.

Now that I am settled, and I am content in His Way, I can know that my path from this point forward will be blessed so long as I continue to follow after Him. My way is His Way, and in following Him, I no longer need to exercise self-control because the Holy Spirit does that for me. He graces me with the fruit He produces in my life, and among these is SELF-CONTROL. In fact, Galations 5:22 NLT says it this way:

"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!"

Yes, these are the blessed earmarks of a life lived in submission to the LAWGIVER who exercises His Gracious control over our lives. We develop these specific characteristics which not only grace our own lives, but spill over into the lives of others. We, therefore, generate

• love
• joy
• peace
• patience
• kindness
• goodness
• faithfulness
• gentleness
• self-control

Internally, and then through time, we express these same characteristics externally -- for the blessing and benefit of others. It is a win-win scenario where we receive and we give through the Grace of God's precious Holy Spirit.

As I think upon this today, I am reminded of just how much my life has changed over the last two-five years. Personally, and corporately, I am a different person. Yes, my life has taken a corporate turn that has produced singleness instead of marital blessing. Internally, though, I am living with all of the above, most certainly with great JOY and with the knowledge of God's GOODNESS.

I give testimony to God for His Grace and Mercy as He rescued me from the pit of bondage and despair. I am now able to live freely to serve Him, and freely to go where He sends me. I am willing and I am agreeable to be used by Him for His Work and for His Plans. I am in covenant with the ONE who makes and keeps His Covenants -- I know that He is both FAITHFUL and TRUE. I know this in my innermost being, and I believe in His Name and the power of His Name. I am resting in His Grace, and I live in His Peace. It is a blessed place to be, and a wonderful thing to experience.

Today, I give Him Praise, and I Honor His Mighty Name. My God be Praised forever more, Amen, so be it, Thy will be done! Selah! 

My Cello

My new cello is back from the Luthier. It looks so nice! I am really pleased with the repairs, the cracks are nicely sealed, and the bridge is in good shape. It plays well -- so much more tone than my old Kay Cello. I am really very happy with the results. I will need to practice on it quite a bit, just to get the feel for it, but also to break in my new strings. I thank you, thank you, thank you Lord for this awesome provision. I am blessed beyond measure!!

It's Official

I will be graduating in May 2012. I finally received a call from the Chair of the Humanities department at Mercy College today. He confirmed that my paperwork is in the Registrar's office, and that I should be clear for registration for my final thesis course on Monday. This means that my financial aid will be disbursed, and my thesis proposal has been accepted. I am so blessed -- I will have my Masters degree in English Literature in May! Whoowhee! God is so very good to me.

I am just amazed at His blessing on my life. I was so depressed today, so very down, and so feeling as though something was seriously wrong with my life. I mean, I am good. I have a good job. I have a lovely home. And, my schooling is coming to a close. But...something was off, just not right. It was partly my work, my job at the University of Phoenix, and partly my feelings of being so overwhelmed and out of control. Some how I thought that while everything seemed OK, I was doing something wrong or I was off the mark. I kept praying about it, kept asking the Lord, "Am I off the mark?" His response was no each time. No, I am OK. No, I am right where I need to be. No, you are fine...etc. Yet, I felt that something was off, and I couldn't put my finger on it.

Earlier today, I struggled at work. I am trying so very hard to "like" my job. Truthfully, I do like it. I do like working at UOPX. There are some things I don't like, some aspects of big brother that bother me; but generally speaking, I do like what I do. I am bored, that is for certain; and I never am sure if I am doing a good enough job.
Anyway, as I was considering my job lately, I couldn't help but feel as though I was stuck in a rut. I was overwhelmed by the recent changes to the job, the added pressure, and the blockage of career progression at the company. I am new, so thinking about promotion and opportunities is really on the backburner, but yet, I am interested in being promoted. I feel like I am stuck in this job forever, and that while I am happy to have it, it is a challenge to remain active in the role. It can be mindnumbing at times, boring beyond tears, and a monotonous grind to do the daily repetitive tasks. I am used to repetition, and that is OK for a while -- but everyday, day in and day out -- well that is probably more than I can take long-term.

So I have been trying to cope with the changes, do my best each day, and keep up with the demands of the job. I am tired. Bushed. I worked so hard to move out of my previous home and into this one, and I did a number on myself, CFS-wise. I need rest, and lots of it. There is no time for vacation, no rest -- and with the pressure, I am feeling weary and so very tired. I want to do a good job, and I want to be approved. I feel like a failure.
As I contemplated options, I realized that I am right where God wants me to be. It is not about the job -- the job I have is practical and good work -- that is all. The plans He has for my life are bigger than the job. They are all about His will, and His provision of grace in my life. They are all about HIM, and they involve me, but do not REVOLVE AROUND ME. As I considered this mental shift, I came to understand that while the job I do is important, and it is a good job -- don't get me wrong -- it simply is not the end-all and be-all of my life. It provides good income, that is all.

No, God's plans for my life are BIG, and require some BIG commitment to them. I already know what I am to do. I already know the way to go. I am on that path, I am on my way to making those plans come to pass. Getting my Masters degree is part of that plan. So is going on to advanced studies. And learning my foreign languages and cello. Everything I am doing is part of His plan. My job is not directly involved, in one way or another. It just is. It is just good practical work.
May God be praised today and forevermore. You are awesome God, and I adore you, Lord. Have your way now, and make your way come to be 'my way' forever and ever, Amen.

Some things are better as they were

I switched back to the old Blogger profile and interface this morning. I am so relieved to have the simple and clean interface back for my blog posts. I think the new one was just too "ick" (no other word to describe it) for me. I think it contributed to my lack of blog posts over the last couple months. I can't really put my finger on it, but there was something about it that made it too awkward to write posts. I know Google was trying to fully integrate their services, to make it a "one shop" type feel -- profile fed across multiple platforms and such, but I felt that the changes didn't enhance Blogger -- they just diminished Bloggers capabilities (or at the least, hid them from view). Anyhow, I am glad to be back to the old slimline interface where I can easily find the tabs needed to post, edit, and change my template.

On other fronts, today is my day off -- thanks to the President's Day holiday. I am planning on making dinner for my parents, so I will need to get myself up and ready in the next hour or so and head out to the grocery store. My parents have been out of town the past week, and I am happy to have them home again. I miss their company, and I miss knowing that they are near by -- in case I have a need or concern. It has been nice to live near them all these years. Except for four years when they were in San Jose and I was here in Phoenix, we have always lived within 10-20 minutes of them. Since they retired to Phoenix in 2000, we have lived about 5 minutes away. Now with my new move, I am about 5-7 minutes down the road (opposite direction). It is a good thing, especially since they are getting older, and are in need of more care these days (not full-time, just occasionally).

Besides dinner preparations, my plans for today include resting (not doing anything much), some laundry and cleaning/vacuuming the bathrooms and floors. Mostly that is all that is needed each week. I try to keep my house picked up so that I don't have to do any major cleaning. It has worked out well, and my home seems to stay cleaner than my old house ever did. Go figure that one! My old house was constantly dusty and dirty. I think it was because the backyard was dirt, and with the winds, all that dirt just blew in the house. I never could get it clean, and everything was always so grimy.

I was looking at my stove, and realized how clean it is. I don't really cook anymore, at the least, not with the oven or stove top. I use the microwave a lot, and occasionally cook in sauce pans. I am not using the skillet -- that was something my husband used daily -- so I don't have to contend with grease anymore. I am able to keep the counters and floors clean with just a bare amount of upkeep, and overall, my home is always fresh and welcoming. I am really blessed to be able to live in this town home. God has graciously provided a lovely home for me and my son. I could not ask for anything better because this place is great, and it fits us so well.

As I consider His Ways, I am constantly amazed at how well He provides for us. He provides not just the thing we need, but the RIGHT thing we need. I used to believe that God provided for us, but that He didn't always give us what we wanted. I might want a Jaguar, but God would provide a Fiat instead (KWIM?) However, I have come to learn that while God doesn't necessarily give us what we want all the time -- some of the time, He does indeed give us the very best thing, and that best thing may indeed be the thing we want. Of course, I seem to fall into the category of the person who asks for one thing when the Lord offers another. I reject the Lord's offer (which by the way is way better than what I wanted), only to get the thing I want, and then realize that I should have taken His offer because it was so much better.

My town home is a perfect example of what I mean. Back in July 2011, the Lord showed me this town home complex on the Internet. I was praying about where we might live -- should we have to move from our home (due to pending foreclosure). The Lord directed me to Zillow, and after some searching pointed out a very nice town home for me to rent. It was not showing well in the pictures, and the outside only showed the carport and back gate (not the lovely greenbelt area at the front door). Why the home owner chose not to show the front door with green area is beside me, but that is neither here nor there. As I pondered living in a town home, I came to the conclusion that it "wasn't a good fit for me and my son." I didn't see how we could live in an apartment complex (with dumpsters in the parking lot -- kwim?) I never bothered to drive over here to see the Unit offered for rent nor did I inquire whether this home would be a good fit for us.

Well, in November, when I had to seriously consider moving because the steps taken to save my home had failed -- the Lord showed me this town home complex again. This time, the unit I had looked at was no longer for rent, but there was another one listed that was similar to the first. I felt the Holy Spirit's urgency to call the landlord, and after several calls and an appointment to see the unit, I ended up renting it. How I wish I would have taken up His offer to move in sooner. I would have saved myself so much trouble, given myself far more time to clean out the old house, and generally lived a more comfortable life during the transition period between old and new homes. But like my usual self, I allowed my stubborn resistance to keep me from receiving the Lord's blessing on my life. Yes, He still provided for me. And, yes, I am living in the same complex (just a different location). However, I suffered greatly by having to move at Thanksgiving/Christmas, and then having to work overtime and extra shifts all the while trying to empty out the old house for final auction sale.

This is not the first time this has happened to me. I have had numerous examples of the Lord's leading and provision, and my lack of willingness to agree with Him caused me to miss out on better opportunities. In some of these cases, the Lord still provided for me (like with my car); but in others, I have had to wait much longer simply because I was not willing to accept His offer to me.

Have I learned my lesson yet? Oh, how I pray that I have -- yes, Lord! In truth, I am not sure I have learned it well enough yet. I certainly recognized my failures, but will I make the choice to agree BEFORE it's too late next time? I do hope so, I do hope so.

In all, I sit here and thank the Lord today for His Marvelous Provision for my life. I have everything I need, and some of what I want. I am happy and content, and I am in peace. I miss some of my old life, and I don't think I will ever really be glad to be away from it. I miss the promise of marriage, and the hope of life-long companionship. I miss being a family. I don't miss the pain, and I don't miss the sorrow. I certainly do not miss all the anguish associated with bad money choices, and a life lived in poverty due to prideful arrogance and an unwillingness to honor the Lord with one's work. I also don't miss the underlying sense of being at fault, and feeling as though I was the one who was responsible for everything. No, the feelings and memories are bittersweet, and I am regretful that some choices were poorly considered, and that a lot of decisions were made in ignorance. Yes, I would change things, most certainly; but for now, I am content to live where I am, in the way that I am (married, yet single). I have no desire to seek male companionship, and I have no desire to be divorced (even though my family desires it for me). I am very content to remain married, yet live alone the rest of my days. Is that selfish -- yes, it is. My husband may desire to be divorced some day, and if he does, then so be it. But for me, I will wait on the Lord, and choose to live the life He has called me to live. I will trust Him to provide for my needs, and to care for me until such time that He chooses to stop (Praise be to God -- May it never be!) I know I am good. I know my life is good. I can see and feel His Blessing and Prosperity upon me. I cannot explain it. I cannot understand it. I have enough of everything, and I have an over abundance of His Goodwill in my life. My checkbook is never empty, even though I have many bills to pay each month. I am able to live comfortably, purchase what I need, and there is always money in my bank account. How is that possible? It is only possible through the Mercy and Grace of our Lord, who so desires to provide for His Children and care for them in this way. God is truly Good to me, and He is Good all the time.

Little Things

It is a gorgeous Sunday morning in Phoenix, Arizona. I am on a 3-day weekend, thanks to the President's Day holiday on Monday. I so need the rest. Yesterday, I did practically nothing. I did make some headway in repairing the old Cremona cello I own. This cello was donated to me by my cello teacher. I cannot find any provenance on the cello, other than to say that it is a Cremona student cello. However, the newer Cremona's supposedly are crack-resistant, and mine has several cracks that have been repaired. Mine also has a Rosewood fingerboard and tailpiece. The newer styles comes with dyed ebony fingerboards and composite tail pieces. The higher end models have a Boxwood tailpiece, but ebony fingerboard. So as much as I can figure, my cello is probably a mid-to-higher end Cremona that may be 10-20 years old.

This cello needs some repair -- always has -- but I was such a novice that I never really figured out what needed to be done to make it playable. It has a lovely warm tone, very deep lower register, and a nice upper register. Not at all shrill sounding, which is exactly what I want from a cello. The problem has been the bridge, which looks like someone tried to fix by putting an unfitted bridge in place of a fitted one. I didn't really understand the difference until now -- after playing cello for almost three years. My Kay cello has a fitted bridge, and truthfully, it is pretty cheap and set incorrectly. It has a deep slouch towards the A string, and I believe this was done to allow students better opportunity to reach the A from the C string. With student hands on a 4/4 cello, it can be hard to make that connection. It makes sense that someone adjusted the bridge so that the cello was easier to play. However, after playing on this cello now for so long, it simply cannot do what I need it to do. The upper register is shrill, and the lower register lacks depth. In chamber pieces, my part is to play the bass line along with the left-hand of the piano. I need to really power through a lot of these pieces, and my Kay cannot hack it. Granted, Kay cellos were made to perform in a student orchestra, so they were not to be stand outs in their own right.

My Cremona cello has a lovely voice, and with some proper adjustments and repairs, I think it will hold it's own for a while. Yesterday, I took the plunge and invested in some needed items to bring this cello back into playing shape. First off, I purchased a decent set of strings -- D'Addario Pro-Arte -- which are good low tension strings (the kind I like to play). My teacher prefers higher end strings (she is a violinist), and she put them on this cello, but I found them difficult to play. I like the ease of playing thinner strings, so these are good for me. Also, I didn't want to invest more than $100 for strings -- just in case -- the cello ends up still not playing correctly.

I also invested in a new case, something that this cello has deserved for a couple years. The old one was held together with pins, so a new case, padded with nice backpack straps will do wonders for both the cello and the carrier (me). I also bought a set of fine tuners, a metronome/tuner combo (on back order) as well as a cello mute. The whole package cost me about $175, but I am factoring in that this cello probably cost about $1000 new, so it is a worthy investment.

I will not know if the modifications I made to the bridge are OK until I get the strings and can put them on and tune them up. The bridge was put in place without any adjustment to the feet, so the entire bridge was set way to high for me to play properly. I took the feet off, sanded them slightly and replaced the bridge in the exact position it was in. If the bridge still doesn't function correctly, then I will take the cello down to the String Shop in Tempe to have it professionally adjusted (probably will do that anyway) or replaced. I am hoping that with the bridge adjustment, this cello will play well enough for me to enjoy it through the end of the year. I am still planning on upgrading to a better cello, but if I can make do with this one, then I can save the $3k investment and put that towards a new car.

As an Intermediate-Advancing cellist, I am ready to move up to a better quality instrument. However, I am not seeking professional playing ability nor do I ever intend to play in public. I am content to play at home, and with my small chamber group (high school and college students). It is a safe environment for this almost-50 year old novice cellist. I am happy to be able to play beautiful music with this group of wonderful students. I love the camaraderie of being in a small group, and my cello teacher has the very best intentions when it comes to selecting music. Since she arranges all the pieces to fit each performer, she makes it possible for each of us to shine in the group. This way we can play Vivaldi's Spring, for example, with violin parts suited to her advanced and intermediate players, and the cello part suited to my skills. We sound wonderful together, and the pleasure we receive in playing these wonderful selections makes the practice time and commitment worth it.