February 2, 2006

Back in the Saddle Again

Yesterday, I wrote the most wonderful post to this blog. I published it, reindexed it, and voila! It landed out in that big "unknown" of cyberspace. If someone finds my post on another blog, would you kindly send it back to me? LOL

Yes, we are back in the saddle (AO) again! Last week was one of those horrible ones, where the entire family was sick, nothing was accomplished, and everything, absolutely everything came to a complete standstill. There is something humbling about being sick, I mean really sick. When you are holding on to "whatever you can" for dear life, praying that "this too shall pass", and placing all your trust in the One above to carry you through, it is amazing how clear everything becomes. I was in the midst of such an illness, a violent flu episode, all the while trying to take care of my DH and DS, who were battling head colds. It wasn't a very pretty site at our house. In fact, I told everyone to stay away and keep clear until the worst had passed us.

Well, we survived the trauma and are all on our way to feeling better. I am still not 100% but am getting there. DS and DH are both better (still that nagging cough but we are so thankful). While I was flat on my back for the week, the Lord gave me plenty of time to think about my life, my priorities, and all my plans. It was an amazingly wonderful time for me, despite the nastiness of it all, because I actually focused on the BIG issues only. When you are sick, whether temporarily or long-term, you do tend to let the little things go. You know that you must concentrate on the things that matter most - your faith, your family, and your future (in Heaven).

I have been struggling with our home schooling, my work load at home, our financial situation, and some family issues for a long-while. I have been faithful to pray and study the Word but really haven't had that sense of PEACE about anything. It has been as though I was just chattering away, hoping that my prayers would be answered. But they just weren't materializing in the way I wanted them to. So I just kept on (that is my motto "keep on, keeping on!)

Interestingly enough, while I was so sick and just concerned about making it through the night in one piece (or whether or not to make the trip to the emergency room), I realized that my desire to KNOW everything was the root cause of all my frustration. I am one of those people who must KNOW what is going on, KNOW what will happen next, KNOW what is expected of me. I am uncomfortable with letting things go. It really is the root cause of doubt -- this need to KNOW business. It reminds of the Lord's words when he said "my ways are not your ways, my thoughts are not your thoughts" (my paraphrase). Yes, it is true. The Lord doesn't have to tell me anything and he chooses to reveal his will to me -- simply in his own time.

Doubt is a terrible thing. I doubt my plans, I doubt our progress, I doubt my daily routine. I doubt, doubt, doubt. Psalm 46:10 says "Let be and be still, and know (recognize and understand) that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations! I will be exalted in the earth!" This is my favorite verse now (this Psalm was one that DS and I were to mediate upon in Term 2) because it clearly addresses my number one issue - my unwillingness to BE STLL and KNOW and RECOGNIZE that He is GOD. All things do work together for good (my paraphrase) but only so long as you accept the fact that you cannot be in control - this is the Lord's domain, it is His request of us. Let Him be in control.

So after much prayer and tears (literally through the pain), I decided to do just that. To let HIM be in control and to stop doubting Him. In the process, I decided to stop doubting myself. I looked myself straight in the eye (a not-so-pleasant-looking eye for that matter) and gave myself a good talking to. I told myself that our plan for school, our routine, our curriculum choice, our progress, that everything we were doing was on track and that we were doing just fine. It is the truth, really, it is. We are fine. We are good. Everything is OK.

God in His Merciful Kindness allowed a very nasty virus to sideline me. It was His "Hello, are you listening to me" and without any other distraction, I said just like Samuel, "yes, Lord, I am here."

1 comment:

tootlepip said...

I am glad you are feeling better and I don't mean just physically. Isn't God good. He can take something as terrible as the flu and use it to draw us closer to him.