I am not really sure when the Lord shared His plans with me. It may have been as early as Sunday afternoon or maybe it was Monday or Tuesday. I just remember telling my dear husband about them last Wednesday. I had been praying for David's recovery and during a brief down period, resting at home, I felt the Lord pressing upon me and calling me to come and sit with Him awhile. I cannot really explain what this feels like but if you have ever experienced it, then you know "exactly" what I mean. I often find the Lord asking me to come and sit with Him -- sometimes I feel that I am to read my Bible and other times it is to pray for a specific person or need. But sometimes it is just to come and sit and be still.
This was one of those times and as I dragged myself into my prayer closet I thought "Oh Lord, what now?" It wasn't that I was frustrated with Him, oh my no! It was more that I was so very tired and a bit "out of it." I had been at the hospital with David for several days and had lost an entire nights sleep. I am not one who can go without sleep, in fact, I get downright miserable to be around if I don't get a full 10 hours of sleep each night. I had been running back and forth from the hospital, chauffeuring my son to and from friend's homes, my parents home, church events (trying to keep things as "normal" as possible for him). I was beat and to add fuel to the fire, had to deal with a very young 7-week old kitten (adopted the previous week and still needing quite a bit of care). I had my plate full -- husband in ICU, family rallying around me, calls from worried friends, tiny kitten needing special feedings, and then a general sense of "overwhelm" added into the final mix. But He was calling me and despite my feelings of tiredness, I obeyed. Boy, am I glad I did.
I found myself sitting on the floor when He pressed into me and said "hello." He has done this before, and it is unexplainable, unless you have been there as well. In a moment I was in tears (again) and crying out to Him and sharing my fears, my frustration, my sorrow, and my loss of control. It is a wonderful thing to be wrapped up in the arms of the Almighty. I once heard a dear Godly woman say that she often fell into the arms of her Lord and how wonderful it felt (she had recently experienced divorce). This was nearly 25 years ago and I often thought about her words and wondered what that "felt" like. I have never needed to feel His arms around me. I have always been quite capable of handling most of life's little disruptions on my own. I might cry a bit, stomp my feet, or scream out loud, but I never really felt that sense of "dread" or total "overwhelm" sensation. Well, that is, not until this past week.
I began to pour out my heart to my Lord and ask Him for His help and guidance. I needed answers -- how would we make ends meet -- what if David could no longer work -- how would we handle the medical bills -- what would we do about home schooling (would we continue or would I put our son in public school again?)
The questions seemed unending, but instead of feeling sad and depressed, I began to feel quite liberated. I heard my Lord say to me, "Carol, do you trust me?" He has said this to me before, several times over the past year. I thought for a moment and said "yes, Lord, I do." Frankly, there wasn't anything else I could say because our situation, at this very moment in time, was so BIG that there was no way I could see a way out of it. Our medical bills would more than likely be in the 50-60K range. David is self-employed and we live meagerly, pay check to pay check. There just isn't going to be money left over to pay doctors and hospitals. Medication per month will be nearly $500 and without a prescription plan, we will need to find a way to purchase these life-saving pills each month.
As I sat there sobbing and groaning before the Lord (literally groaning -- just like what the Bible says -- that the Holy Spirit groans in ways deeper than words), His will became clear to me. I saw a vision of our future. I am a visual person and often say that "I need to see" something before I can truly understand it. I think the Lord gave me a "glimpse" of what could be, just to help me "see" His plan and know that it was good. I immediately sensed confidence and a "knowing" feeling inside. I cannot really describe it, but it was just as if I "knew" that what the Lord was telling me and showing me was true and that I could trust Him to provide and meet our needs.
At first, I was relieved, overjoyed, and filled with praise. After awhile the thoughts began to crash in -- but how? How would this new plan work out? What about...? As the weeks have progressed the feeling of "knowing" has not diminished at all. In fact, I am more confident today that the Lord will do as He has promised to me. He has answered some of my questions but many of them are not known at this time. There is work for me to do -- I must "trust" Him and wait for Him. I have to be patient and let Him work out the details in my life.
I can only say that it is an exciting thing to be caught within the mighty hands of God. It is liberating, it is exhilarating, it is wondrous. There is no better place to me than to be in His midst and to know that He is working out His will in your life (to will and to work for His good pleasure!) Praise God for He is so good!