March 16, 2010

Clarification and What Not

I spent the majority of the day working on our new term's curriculum. So far, so good. DJ hasn't gotten around to math, yet, though! LOL! He is spending a lot more time working through the Russian Language program (about an hour) as well as spending more time working on piano and music studies. He either needs to get up earlier, start earlier or simply be willing to do school until 5 p.m. each day. Not! Well, NOT for his mom. If he wants to do it, so be it.

I also have been looking back over the idea of working. The Lord has not brought me any work yet. I have applied to numerous jobs, but no one has responded back to me. I have been resting. I have been waiting. I have been sitting still, so to speak. I am doing some "work," you know...home stuff, but not the kind that brings in income. I am really stuck. I believe that the Lord has all this under control. I believe that I am doing His will...yet, I don't see anything happening. I am simply sitting here WAITING AGAIN.

Even with some clarification, some understanding, and some willingness to do whatever I am asked...nothing seems to be moving at all. I don't get it. I go before the Lord and ask Him and I get nothing back. I mean silence. I am not sure what that means. Normally, He is good about telling me or at the least saying to me "Not now.". I don't mean it to sound like I can go to Him and get an immediate answer. Usually it is some sort of comfort, some sort of sense that everything is OK and that I need to stop worrying about it.

This time, though, I am really getting no where fast. I mean, I believe I have it all figured out. I believe I know what I am to do, I believe that it is being done (behind the scenes), but there isn't any speck or trace of that on the outside, where I really really need to see it. Oh Lord, how long will you be silent in this regard?

The truth is this...I have waffled before the Lord so many times, that I really don't blame Him for being silent on me. I mean...He has told me what to do. He has shown me the path, laid it out clearly for me to follow (crumb-like, Hansel and Gretel fashion), and I still whine and ask and say "I don't get it." I just want Him to say "This is it, Carol. This is the last time I am going to speak to you on this matter. This is what I want you to do, do you understand?" And, not being upset at His tone, I would say "Yes, Lord...I will do it!)

The problem, I think, is that I have done that or asked for that so many times and then not taken His Word as His Word. The Lord really doesn't like it when we do this to Him, when we insinuate that somehow He doesn't know what is best. Yes, I have done it so many times. I have cried out asking, literally begging Him for forgiveness, and He has Graciously given it to me.

So here I am again...waiting. Sitting still. Wondering if I have done it again. Have I offended Him? Have I not listened, not heeded, not paid attention? Or is there something else at work under the surface, something that is testing or trying me? Oh, drats...I am tired of thinking that way too. I simply want this entire episode to be over. I want to get moving. I want to work. I want to have a job so I can move on with my life. I want to live. I want to start a new life, the life that He has shown to me. I am tired of waiting. I am tired of sitting still.

Please, Lord...will you please hear my cry once again? Will you listen to your servant, who so desperately wants to please you and do your Will?

Update: Good News! After I posted this entry, I spent some quiet time before the Lord. This time, I really, really sat and considered what I might have done that could have caused this large silence in my life. Quickly, the Holy Spirit brought up to me some of my conversation over the past couple of days. It was clear to me that I had done exactly what I had written: I has asked for clarification and answers, and then when given the information, turned my nose and said, "Uh, really?" Well, perhaps not those exact words, but you get my drift. I had looked the Lord right in the face (figuratively) and thought "maybe I WILL CONSIDER WHAT YOU ARE SAYING." A big no-no for sure. You see, instead of thanking Him for His answer to me, and for His Gracious provision, I decided to look over what was being given to DECIDE if it was what I wanted.

I know, I am probably over-stating the point, because it wasn't that glaring and I can tell you that I honestly wouldn't do that to the Lord. Yet, in my heart of hearts, I do it all the time. It is a subtle prideful thing that we all do. Most of the time, we don't even catch ourselves doing it. But, the Lord records these instances, especially for those He cares about, and He wants us to know when we do it. This was the way it was in my case. I have done this a couple times recently. I blogged about my car buying experience, and how I turned my nose up at a very good little car because I didn't like the color. It turned out later that that was the car I purchased, and since then, I have been praising God over it. It is a GREAT little car.

I did the same thing recently with some other things the Lord showed to me. One was cast aside based on color (again, AGH!), and the other because I simply didn't want to do the work involved. The third was turned down because it seemed to complicated a matter to deal with, and I just couldn't figure it all out. Once the fog cleared, and once I admitted my sin, then it made sense. I realized what I had done, what I was continuing to do, and committed to Him that I would stop it pronto!

The good news is that once I made that determination, I began to see the "car" scene in my head. I began to understand that on face value, the car didn't look like much, but after getting it home and driving it, it has turned into the BEST car ever. These other things, gifts of the Lord's hand, are His Best for me as well. Though they might not look that way on the outside, in the long haul, they will prove to be best for me and for my son.

I am humbled to know that the Lord of the Universe loves me and only wants my Best. I am ever more humbled to know that when I do stupid things such as turn away from His hand, He still loves me, and will still help me when I recognize my error. I am humbled that He doesn't remove the gift, if it truly has been given (which He most certainly could, if He wanted to do it), but instead remains faithful to me and gives me another chance. I am humbled that through all of this, through all my sin and my pride, the Lord of the Universe knows me and loves me. That even though I don't deserve one iota of His Grace, He freely bestows it on me and gives me such wonderful blessings and peace. I am humbled and I stand in awe of Him. There is no God like Him. There is No One like Him. He is God alone, and He is the object worthy of my devotion. I love the Lord with all my heart, and I am thanking Him now for His Goodness toward me. Praise Be to God the Father, to the Son and to the Holy Spirit. Amen.

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