March 20, 2010

Dealing with the Chaos of Grief

Another sleepless night. My cat, Gus, spent the entire night circling between the bed, the dresser, the bathroom. He was like a night watchman who walks the same circuit all night long. I kept shooing him away from me when he would come up to my face. It was like he was checking up on me, making sure I was OK. I prayed about it this morning, wondering why he was doing this (for the past couple nights), and the Lord reminded me that when I get under stress, my cats tend to do as well. For Gus, that means that he takes on a protective stance and tries to protect me. I thought it was the other way around. I thought all his nipping at my heels, robe, and leg, was his way of getting my attention (like a little child clinging to Mom). I realized that it was the other way around. Gus has been trying to get me to stop, to stand still and let him "guard" me.

My heart sank when the realization kicked in, I mean, the last thing I want to do is cause my animals to be under stress. It does make sense. It does align with the peeing (squatting versus spraying). Gus pees when under stress, as do many dogs and cats. If the stress gets too much, he starts peeing. Now that I know what is causing the peeing, I can better defend against it. Unfortunately, I need to be de-stressed! LOL! Oh my, I think it might be easier to just tackle the pee...

On another note, I am now coughing up junk. I tend to swallow it, just because it is gross. I did "look" at it today and it is green -- a sure sign of a Bronchial infection (possibly Pneumonia). Ugh! It explains why I am so tired, and why I am still coughing my head off. Last night, I coughed so hard, I pulled a muscle in my tummy. I am so sore today. So what to do...I will have to call the Dr. on Monday and get an antibiotic. Hopefully, it is just Bronchitis and nothing more serious.

Celloing is going really well. I am still working on the last two pieces in my Suzuki 2 Book. I am getting better, though. I am a bit intimidated by Book 3 -- oh is looks so hard. My teacher says that most adults quit by this point -- the practice is too difficult for them, too time consuming, etc. I am sticking with it. I love the cello and see that I am making good progress.

Lastly, I have had a setback on the grief process. I was doing so well there, and then last week, was reminded of something that simply hit me full in the face. It was a part of the on-going marital stuff I am dealing with, but stuff that I had thought was over and done with, kwim? I found out that wasn't the case, and had to "deal with it" again. Moreover, I had to take a firm hand with a family member who simply was not being supportive of me. This person was critical of my attitude and also suggested that I was doing something I clearly was not doing. It came through another family member, which to me is the most pernicious type of malice. Families are not supposed to go behind one another's backs. They are not supposed to say things like this and then tell another member about it. It is GOSSIP of the worst kind -- especially when the target is someone who is already beaten down and hard pressed.

Oh, why do we do such things to one another? Why must we crush our sisters and brothers (literally and symbolically) simply to prove a point or to get our "advice" across? Why can we not love one another with a love that says "I don't understand, but I love you." Why must we be right and the other person wrong? Why must we have our own way, even when it means crushing the heart of a loved one?

Well, we all know the answer: it is pride. Pride is the root that gets us all worked up, over heated, and bound and determined to be heard. It says "Hey, listen to me, I know what is best for you." The problem of course is that why your advice (or mine) may be Godly and Biblically centered, it might not be the appropriate advice for the time. God may have already given His Advice, His Direction, His Wisdom, and the person may be obediently following His Will. Your advice might be good, but it is not God's. Your advice, given with love, is welcomed. Your advice, given with a dose of "I know better" is not.

Anyway, it was a difficult week, what with being sick and all. I am dealing with the chaos caused by prolonged grief. I am in the midst of a difficult life-change, and am doing the best I can with it. I am having to learn how to adapt, how to change, how to see myself differently. I am still dealing with the crap left over (and new doo-doo) that comes with some of the issues I am facing. These reoccur and then I have to dive back in and deal with them. I am tired of dealing with them. I want them to go away. I don't want to do this anymore. The Lord says I must endure. He says His Grace is sufficient, and so it is. My trust and hope is only in Him. He is my King, my Shepherd, and the One with whom I am deeply devoted to and love. God is so Good to me.

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