March 23, 2010

Dealing with Trial

Today has been a really difficult day for me. It is funny really (now that the day is almost over, I can look more gently on my day, and find some laughter in it), but I have learned a valuable lesson. I am a pretty open and honest person (at the least I like to think I tell the truth at all times.) I tend to share my feelings easily, and am very tender-hearted towards others when they share their feelings. I guess I am a touchy-feely type person. Not everyone is this way, ya know...And I am learning to tell the difference between those who are and those who most definitely are not.

It has been almost seven months since I started dealing with my marriage crisis. I did what most people do, I shared my story with those closest to me (my family). After that, I carefully shared with others outside the family. I asked for prayer on my support home school group, but pretty much have kept my story just to those near me. I did write about it on my blog (not this one, but my other one) for awhile. It was when things were really raw and all messed up and I didn't know what had hit me. I said some pretty awful gut-wrenching things, writing my heart out there on my sleeve, and using my blog as my only comfort. Of course, I was also crying out to the Lord through all this, and I was seeing a professional counselor.

The lesson learned bit, though has just come recently. I don't really know if this is true or not, but it is just my observation of things. In the past seven months, only a handful of people have actually taken an interest in my welfare. Not that I am running around begging people to look after me, I just mean that not a whole lot of people (from church or family connections) are really that interested in my troubles. I just think this is really odd. I mean, when you need friends the most, they don't seem to care that much. They might care initially, they might be shocked, but after a while, they simply move on with their life and expect you to do the same.

I am sure folks who read my blog regularly think the same thing..."Oh there she goes again. Why can't she just give it a rest?" Yep, I know. I have said the same thing too, about myself I mean. I have said to myself and the Lord, "Lord, I just cannot talk about this to another person." Or, "I am so tired of speaking about this. I want it just to go away."

Well, today, this is what my lesson taught me. I realized that in this hectic and fast-paced world, your news is old news PDQ. It is like, "I heard it before, move on. Change the channel. Next." The sad thing is that for those who are suffering through turmoil such as loss, divorce, major illness, etc., the problems don't go away with the click of the remote control. Nope. Often it takes years for their life to right itself and for them to feel that their "news" really is old news.

I am reminded of something in the Word, and it speaks of this very point. As Brother and Sisters in Christ, we are called to relationships with one another. Not just quick and convenient relationships, but the long haul of a difficult and trial filled partnership. We are called to be long suffering with one another, to go the distance, to stick in there, to help when it seems most inconvenient.

My point is this: I am tired of hearing myself talk on this subject, so I can imagine you are bored to death with it. How can we both be long suffering towards one another IF we give up so quickly and simply want the channel to change? I mean, life just doesn't work itself out into nice neat little packages all the time. It is messy and difficult and painful and sorrowful. Your life might be peachy keen right now, but I bet you can recall a time when you were really hard pressed and sorely tried. I know you know that it could happen again, at any time.

My lesson therefore is two-fold. I have decided to understand that people are short-minded these days, ill tempered, and often too quick to move on. I also have decided that sometimes you have to know when to keep your mouth shut. No matter how much you need to confess or confide in someone, simply for moral support or prayer or uplifting, you just gotta know when it is a good time and when it is not. And lastly, I also understand that everyone moves through the phases and stages of life in their own time. Some move more quickly, some more slowly. To be long suffering with our brothers means that we must put up with the slow ones, and cheer with the fast movers. We must, in short, remember to be kind and gentle and compassionate even when we think someone needs to "get over it and get moving."

I guess I just needed to say this today. I have been beaten down and feel pretty crummy. Someone I thought might be more supportive turned out to simply say "I am sorry for your pain." Not what I expected at all, but still a nice thing to say. Yes, it is time for me to move on with my own feelings and my own life. It may literally take me years to get over my hurt and feel confident in my new life. But, I don't have to drag it out all over this blog day in and day out. It is time to move on and that means to pack up the feelings and put them away for a time. It is time to get down to business and to start living my new life.

Thanks for being so supportive of me (all you readers out there). I really have appreciated all the warm and wonderful comments. It is time for me to move on, to get focused on other matters, and to keep my feelings in check. I am no longer a rag doll, being swung to and fro. Nope, I am strong, just like my Lord whose strength runs through me.

Praise be to God. I have survived, I am surviving, and I will continue to survive this difficulty. It will be just one of many trials I face in my life, so I had better chin up and remember to keep my hard hat on. I am sure there will be plenty more rocks to fall over the course of time. I need to pay heed to the lessons learned, to make good choices from now on, and trust the Lord for His Hand on my life. He is so Good to Me, and I know that He knows what is best for me.

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