I am sitting here now, just before turning in for the night, and thinking over the day. I am confused, again! Why? I guess it is just because I have never ever been faced with making life decisions before, and I am frankly, not very good at it. My last decision, real decision, was to return to school to complete my Bachelor degree. This was in 1989, and I really didn't even decide to do it. My friend, Martha, was at the Junior College down in Long Beach, CA, and she was miserable. She missed her family (in San Jose) as well as her friends, and felt like she was going no where fast (ever been in that position? I have. I am right now!)
On one particular day, she called me at work. We had previously worked together, that was how we met. She decided to go back to school to become a writer, but wasn't having a lot of luck with her school choice. She wanted to get into UCLA, but didn't have good enough grades. She was lonesome for home, feeling blue, and wondering if her life was ever going to turn into something. I was still working at the same job, pretty satisfied with the overall responsibilities, but still feeling as though I was lacking an education (we both had AA degrees, but not BAs).
On a whim, I suggested she come home and go to our local University. She didn't want to do it, made a bunch of excuses, and then finally said she couldn't go there at night (it was in a bad part of town). I said, "I will go with you." Oops...that quickly I had committed myself to going back to school. I hadn't even asked if it was Ok with my husband (money was tight back then). I just told her that I would go and "take some classes with you." She retorted by saying, "But, you don't want to study Creative Writing!" I just said, "Oh, I am sure we could take different classes and meet up afterwards." I had no idea if that was even possible. I just wanted her to feel better and for her to see that her life did have meaning and purpose. Martha was older than I, single, and feeling as though she was moving from one dead-end job to another. She really wanted a career she loved, and something she could do for the rest of her life (Oh, how I identify with her now!)
Two and one-half years later, we were graduating from SJSU with our BAs in Humanities. Yeah, I got my way. She gave up Creative Writing for a degree in Humanities. I took a minor in English Literature. We both loved this program, and we both did very well in the course work.
Martha went on to work for Apple Computer (and still does). I got pregnant and stayed home. Before graduation, though, I had made up my mind (Oh, another decision) to go to Graduate School and get my Ph.D. in English Literature. Actually, I wanted to study Classics, but lacked the Latin and Greek language studies. Then I thought I would like to study Humanities, but there were few good graduate programs in Humanities. I settled on Literature, specifically Literary Criticism, simply because I found out I could write well, and loved criticism. My professor/mentor suggested Literary Historicism, which he said was a better fit. There weren't very many programs that focused on that specific field, so I just was looking at regular Lit programs.
I felt that this was God's will for me. I had the grades, I had the references, and I had the skill to do it. I just didn't have the proper timing of it. I wanted it so badly, but never expected I would wind up pregnant. My DH and I had been married 9 years, and had considered a family, but never really got serious about starting one. I wanted a career too. I wanted a good job that would allow me flexibility to have children. I thought being a College Professor was the best job ever. I thought it would be a perfect fit for me.
Now, sixteen almost seventeen years later, I am on my way to graduate school again. I feel that the timing is now right. The Lord has said so, and I have followed His lead. I am just unsure whether I am to become a college professor or use this MA as a lead-in to a different Ph.D. program. I feel confident that I am to get my Ph.D., I just don't know whether it is to teach English or to do some other type of administrative/research analysis type work (also a good fit for me).
Oh, how I wish this was easier for me. In truth, it is really easy. I want to study English. This is what I want to do. I just don't know if it is what the Lord wants for me. Joyce Meyer says that we are to wait for peace, that peace will guide us. If we don't have peace, we need to pray and wait for it. What do you do if you have peace in both paths? That is how I feel. I feel like I could do either degree and be happy. I THINK I would be happier being a professor, but I am so unsure about it. How do you know for sure?
I think back to my friend and how frustrated she felt at not having a career path. She felt that her life was passing her by and unless she got moving, she was going to be left in the dust. I feel that way now. I feel like my life has passed me by, and that unless I make the RIGHT decision, I am doomed to fail. I don't think this is of the Lord. I think it is Satan's way of distracting me from choosing the right way. In fact, I don't think there is a right way. I think either way is right, and that it simply is a matter of choosing the way I think best. Oh, why is this so difficult for me?
Please help me to know what I am to do? I want to choose the best way. I want to please you in all things, but I also want to make sure that I am doing your will. Please let me know if this is your will? I ask this in Jesus' name. Amen.