March 23, 2010

Keeping Things in Perspective

Ok, I am struggling a bit to keep things in perspective. I know...it shouldn't be that hard, really; but, I honestly I am either being thick-headed or stubborn. I am stuck between two places right now, in transition, and it seems like not only life is this way, but I am (personally) as well. You see, part of me is looking forward to the plans the Lord has for me. Part of me is ready to move forward, to do what is necessary, and to begin the process of getting on with my life. But...part of me still wants my old life back. I don't want the heartache or struggles or stress; I just want the part that I was comfortable living and being in.

I think that is the hardest point when dealing with any life change situation. I recognize the truth, I have accepted reality, and I am willing (and eager) to do what is needed to make a change. However, there is such a big part of me that just wants to crawl back under the covers and say "No, not today, Lord. I really don't want to engage in the changes you are asking of me...today. Perhaps, I will feel better, be more able, more ready to deal with them, tomorrow."

Ah, but isn't that always the case...no matter what the circumstance or situation. The "devil" is in the details, or so they say. It is always easier to live with the "devil you know" than the "devil you don't know." (I think that is how that saying goes...LOL!) In some ways, I have grown quite comfortable with my life. I may not have liked everything about it, but it was my life, and I learned how to get around in it. I complained, just like the next; I prayed for change; just like the next also. I just never did anything to really change my life. Well, not until it was thrust upon me.

Now, I am midstream in "Life Change 101". I am right smack-dab in the middle of making a major change to my life, and guess what? I have cold feet. I don't want to budge. I want to crawl back under the covers and say "No, not today, Lord...Perhaps tomorrow?" The problem, is of course, that I am running out of tomorrows. I need to get moving. I need to get going in this direction. I have so many things that are dependent upon my willingness to get moving. I have to think about my son's schooling, about whether or not I continue to home school him. He will be in 12th grade, so that in and of itself places stress on the entire question. He has college looming, and I have to make up my mind. Does he continue to be home schooled or does he go to Junior College or public high school for Y12?

I have to think about a job. I need the money, desperately so, and have been getting by with a small amount sent to me by a family member each month. This will not do for much longer. I may have to start paying all my bills next month -- next month, as in April 1 (next week!) How will I do that without any source of income? My credit card bill is overdue as well. I couldn't pay it for the last two months, and I have to pay it this month or else face losing the card account (and ruining my already poor credit). I am facing a brick wall here, and I need a way out. I have been waiting patiently for the Lord to provide a job for me. I have applied where ever I felt His Spirit lead me to do so. I am sitting here waiting for His provision -- but time is running out.

I have believed that all this waiting was preparatory for me. It was to give me time to get my bearings, to make up my mind, and to be ready to do something (or go somewhere). However, since January and my car buying trip, I have felt literally stuck in the mud. I have felt like I was moving forward and then came to a crashing halt. Everything just hit a dead stop in the road, and I have been sitting there ever since.

I have prayed, prayed and prayed all the more. I do believe some of the wait was for me to get my head ready, to get my mind in gear, and to begin to accept some hard sacrifices. I was willing to do so. In fact, I have been willing to do whatever the Lord wanted of me since before Christmas. I think the issue is this: I am willing; I am agreeable; and am even acceptable to doing His Will. I am simply not doing it. I am simply standing here saying "Yes, Lord...whatever you say, Lord." I am just not doing what He says I am to be doing.

Now don't get me wrong, I am actually listening, heeding, and obeying. I am just not doing (walking) in His Word to me. I wish I could explain it better, but it is like I am frozen in time, and everything and everyone is just passing me by. I see them, I want to be with them, moving along side of them, but they are just one big motion blur. I am not moving. My mind says "Go, get moving," but my body just will not move forward, not one tiny step.

I pray about this all the time. I say to the Lord: "Yes, Lord...thy will be done." He asks me if I am willing to do His Will, and I always say yes. But...Nothing happens. Nothing moves. Nothing changes. I see the hourglass and the sand is running out. I know I need to get moving, but how do I do that. I have tried everything, I have said and confessed everything I know what to say and confess. I have surrendered. I have yielded. I have agreed with Him that He does indeed know best.

What is the hang up, hold up? What in the world is going on?

At first, I thought it was simply the economy. Then I figured it was me, not wanting to do what He was asking of me. Later, I thought it was me, but this time, just me being confused about what I was supposed to do. More recently, I thought it was that I needed resources, needed money to get to where He was sending me. Now...I am just not so sure.

Perhaps it simply is a matter or whether or not the Lord chooses for me to do this thing. If it truly is His Will, then He is responsible for sending me, providing for me, and bringing it to pass. I can only allow Him to do what He does best: facilitate His Will in the lives of His children. Perhaps it is even more simple that this, perhaps it is that He will only do His Will when He is good and ready to do it. He is particular that way, not rushing, not hurrying about, not getting all frazzled at the time or the delay or the mountain in front of Him. Perhaps He simply is not ready for me to go yet. Perhaps, just perhaps, He is waiting for me to let Him move me, in His own way, not in mine. Perhaps it is all about His Way and not mine; His Will and not mine; His plans and not mine. Perhaps, it begins and ends with Him alone.

Yes, I do think this is the crux of the problem. I want my way; He is waiting for His way to be done. I want it now; He wants it now as well, but will not give it until it is right and proper to do so. It is all about Him, His Glory, His provision, His fruition. It rarely is about us, though we do play a part in His plans. It is simply this: He will not share His Glory with anyone, no matter how much He loves them. It is for His Glory that all this happens. It is for His Glory, His Praise, and ultimately for His Exultation. Nothing can be rushed, hurried, or done without this in mind.

Dear Lord,

I have confessed that I am ready and willing to do your will. Yet, I am stuck in this place in time. I cannot move, I cannot take a step forward without your provision. If you do not provide for me, I cannot go where you are sending me. I have wrestled with doing your Will, with trusting You to provide, and with resting in Your Shadow. Now, I am ready to move... Are you ready to move in my life? If so, then I ask that you move in your own way, mighty and powerfully, to bring yourself the Glory, Praise and Exultation only you deserve. I am ready and willing to do all you ask of me. Please bring your will to pass in my life this day. In Jesus' mighty and matchless name I pray...Amen.

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