March 21, 2010

Resolutions and such

I am home today, still hacking, and feeling yucky. I think I pulled a muscle in my diaphragm region while coughing the other night. Ugh! DS and DH went to church, and then are going to Burger King. I have the whole morning to myself, and so far, it has been really, really nice. Quiet, I mean. The cats are sleeping on the bed, and I am finally up to the task of blogging at bit.

I dreamed weird things last night. It seems that every night my evening is filled with visions casting doubt on my plans and ideas. I feel afraid and uncertain. I feel that anxious feeling that normally says "Uh oh, perhaps you are going the wrong way?" As I sat and pondered them, the thought occurred to me; really, nothing in my dreams is that different from any other time I have had a similar bout of dreaming. I always dream of two things: tornadoes and home. These are my two biggest issues in life, and the things that cause me the most anxiety and worry.

I dream of tornadoes (always have) simply because IT (the tornado) is the most devastatingly fearful thing I can imagine. I have lived through them before, and consider them even more frightening to me than earthquakes (and I survived the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake -- working only 7 miles from the epicenter). Tornadoes are a childhood fear. A fear that took hold of me at a time when my life was most vulnerable. I can still remember the fear running through me whenever those sirens would go off. I can remember how anxious I felt down in the crawl space waiting for the all clear signal. It was an awful time for me, a time when I really didn't know what would happen. It was a time of uncertainty.

Even now as an adult, whenever I am faced with uncertainty, I sometimes get that nagging feeling of being stuck, being stuck in a cramped crawl space just waiting for the all clear bell. I dream about tornadoes because it is the thing that represents whatever fear or uncertainty is presently in my life. I figured this one out a long time ago -- that my dream really was just a way for my mind/body to deal with this level of anxiety. In my dream, I am never hurt. Homes may be destroyed, but typically it is just the "fear" leading up to the tornado, the sighting of the tornado and the passing of it. No major damage done.

My second dream is always about my home. I tend to dream of two homes only: Chicago and San Jose. I think I dream of these homes for a couple reasons. One, they are my childhood homes (from 8-adult), and two, they are the place where I have the most memories. In my dreams, I am either in my home or trying to get to my home. Home, in and of itself, plays a very important role in my life. Home is what represents security to me. In my childhood, my Dad was the person whom I looked to for safety. He was my security. In my adulthood, I looked to my husband. Now, in my second adulthood, I look to my Father in Heaven for my security (though He always was the one who provided it). When I feel afraid, I want to go home. Plain and simple, I want to retreat to the security of my home. I want my Dad (and my Heavenly Father) to protect me. I want to go home to where everything seemed safe to me. The funny thing is that in my dreams, I don't go back to a safe home. There is always something wacky about it. There is always something of reality mixed into my attempt to go home.

I think this is simply to remind me that we can never really go home. We can retreat for a time, but our life, our present condition, will always follow us. We must instead find our home elsewhere. The Apostle Paul says that we are foreigners, sojourners in a strange land. Our home is not here on this Earth, but it is in Heaven. We long for our heavenly home.

So as I come to terms with my situation, I am faced with the reality of this: I still am afraid of what uncertainty brings; and, I am seeking a home of security, a place where I can finally be safe.

I know the truth, of course. I know that my safe and secure home is not here on this Earth, where the Word says, thieves and robbers break in and steal; but rather, it is at home with the Lord. I know this...I long for this to come to pass. I have assurance that it will be someday very soon. I also know that my fear of uncertainty always underlies every decision I make. No matter how small the choice, I am always wracked with fear that I chose poorly. I also know that my fear is often irrational (False Evidence as Real -- or the acronym my Pastor came up with) and untrue. This is just plain old anxiety because I cannot control my circumstance or outcome. I am no longer in control of my destiny, my days, my life. I am pleased to let Him be in control, but there is a part of me that ALWAYS WANTS TO BE IN CONTROL.

Yielding to Him is the only way for the fear and anxiety to subside. It is the only way for me to be able to have peace in my life (and in my tummy where I now have stress). I have surrendered all, but there must be something I am still trying to control. Or else why would I feel as I do? Good question, Carol. What is it that you are holding on to still?

Hmm. Perhaps it is just this...I have relinquished my control to three people over the course of my life: God, my earthly Dad, and my husband. My dad was naturally replaced as the authority figure in my life some 25 years ago. He still is my dad, always will be the man I love and respect most, but he is no longer my source of safety and security. My husband took the role from my father on our wedding day. He has held it until recently, when I had to take it away from him and give it over to the Lord. The Lord has always been in authority over me, but in correct Biblical headship, He was over my husband (who was then over me). Now, I am in that spot (not sure if that is where I am to be or not), but the Lord is directly over me.

Perhaps this is simply a matter of time, a matter of getting used to having no authority but One. Perhaps I simply need to let Him be God and stop trying to hold onto everything that is around me. He is my security, my stability, my provision. I know this...I blog about it daily. Hmm. Perhaps it is just my own inability to let go and let Him be in control. Perhaps.

Dear Lord,

I think this is clearly a case of me not letting you reign in my life. I want you to reign. I say it all the time. I want you as my Lord, but do I actually allow you to be Lord over me. Yes and no. There are plenty of times when I do, but sadly there are still plenty of times when I do not. I ask now that you be Lord over my life, over all my days, over all my troubles. I can no longer hold on, and hope to right this ship of mine. Only you are able to safely guard me and guide me into safe harbor. Please be my Lord today. Fill me with your Peace, and grant me your Grace to do the things I must. In Jesus' Name...Amen.

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