April 17, 2010

Feeling Out of Sorts

Ok, so I had three whole days of wonderful ease, followed by one day of unrest. And, judging by how I feel this morning, probably a second day of unrest is sure to come. I am in prayer over it, trying to figure out how I stumbled off His Path and into this "field of weeds" (pun intended -- as that is my blog address -- named aptly after my backyard which in spring is full of weeds!) I know I don't belong here, that I am off the path, and need to get back on the trail. How, you might ask? Well, for me, it usually is a sense, and then a feeling, and then a ton of physical unwellness. It starts off slowly with a sense that something is not quite right. It then progresses to a feeling or feelings that I am not well, not feeling good, not thinking correctly. If I allow it to go on, then I start to experience unwellness (stomach issues, headaches, etc.) It really spirals downward quickly and the reason I can pin point this happening is because IT ALWAYS HAPPENS EXACTLY THE SAME WAY. I mean, there are no other issues at work to cause it -- my life is generally fine and going well. There is no outside upset, no misunderstood communication between friends, or no lingering stress. It is as if I am walking along feeling fine and then wham! I start to experience this awful sensation and progression of deterioration into physical unwellness.

Weird, huh? I guess we each are given signals to help us recognize when we go astray. For some, it is simply the "sense" that something is wrong. For others, hard headed ones like me, physical distress usually does the trick. AS soon as I start feeling really poorly, I immediately look up and ask the Lord, "what have I done now?" The Lord knows me well. He knows that I am super sensitive to any change, and I mean any change, no matter how small. My diet has to be very rigid or I suffer from tummy troubles. Stress has to be kept in check to keep the migraines away. He knows me, and I am not saying that He causes these things to get my attention...oh no! Instead, these are the natural consequences whenever I stop following His lead and start wandering off the path. These are MY CONSEQUENCES. They always happen this way, always have, and always will. I am just too thick-headed to recognize the pattern until it is already in progress. Oh, how I wish I would wake up and see what is happening. I could save myself a whole lot of tummy turmoil IF I WOULD JUST PAY MORE ATTENTION TO HIS SPIRIT and how I am responding to Him. Ugh!

So today I am bound and determined to get my "ease" back. I am bound and determined to walk out of these weeds and back to the paved path -- my path, the path the Lord has made for me. It is very possible that my path is not completely laid out yet, and it could be that I was on it, and doing just fine, and then got to the unpaved part and wandered on ahead of the Lord. Oops! I do that at times. In my eagerness to get to where He is going, I run ahead of Him.

I blogged yesterday about my friend giving me Stormie Omartian's book, "Prayer that Changes Everything." She also gave me her other book, "Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On." I am about half way through both books, and all of a sudden a word picture popped into my head. I am nodding and saying "Yes, Lord." You see, in this book, Stormie suggests that the Light of Christ shines through us and illuminates the path we are on. However, the entire path (backwards and forwards) is not illuminated -- just the step behind and the step in front of us. The Lord is leading us one step at a time. If we try and go too far ahead, we will walk in darkness because He will not be there. We have to only go where His light leads us and that is one step at a time -- His leading and our following.

I get it. I get it now. I was so eager and joyful to have a couple days of ease, that I ran right off the path He had put me on. I ran ahead of Him and got myself into a passel of weeds and thorns. I need to climb back and get to the path and THEN WAIT FOR HIM TO WALK ON. I cannot try and figure this out on my own, I am not smart enough, and of course, I do not know the mind of God. I can only follow after His leading -- one step at a time.

Ok, I am in check. I see. I am heading back to that path now, and then I will wait for His Spirit to tell me where to go.

Dear Lord,

I am so sorry for running out ahead of your plans. I was finally feeling such ease and enjoyment, that I got off the path. I am now suffering from a good attack of the thorns. Help me to return to the path, your path, and then wait until you lead me. Your leadership is what I want, and what I need. Let me be a follower to your wonderful lead. All Praise be to God for He is so Good to me.

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