April 22, 2010

Feeling so much better today

Yes, today has been a bit better. I had a good cello practice session (hooray) and I also spent lunch with my parents (and son) and got to goof off a little bit. It is always nice to goof off, every so often.

I am settled with my plans now, and think that the recent unrest (uneasy feeling) I have had was due to my not wanting to let go of my control. It is so hard to relinquish control, to give it up, especially when you have felt that you really have had no control for years. I know this is not true, but it has been how I have felt. In reality, you always have control (unless you are in prison or someplace like that where you have no power to come/go as you please). I had the power to change my life, to change my circumstances, and to do something about what I was seeing and not liking. I just chose not to do anything other than complain. When you complain all the time, and then do nothing but complain, the person or people who hear you begin to tune you out. They tell themselves, "Oh, there she goes again. Just ignore her and she will stop yelling. She won't really do anything about it, she just likes to complain a lot." This is true, at the least, it is for me.

I tried to voice my objections, to have my say, and I did often. I just never put my "money where my mouth is," you know, I just never did what I said I was going to do. If I really was fed up, I should have done something about it. Instead, I looked the other way, and allowed behaviors and actions that I didn't like to rule over me. I gave up, I gave in, and in a way, I let someone else control me.

I have no one to blame but myself, and I know it now. I have made significant change since that little revelation, and have worked very hard to regain control over myself. I feel more empowered and in control than I have been in years. It feels really good to know that the "buck stops" with me. However, in God's eternity (and here on Earth), we are temporarily in control of our lives in that the Lord has given us partial responsibility for ourselves. We are responsible for our behavior, our attitudes, our character development. We are responsible to live by His Commands and to obey Him. Yet, we are not really responsible at all, because in the big picture, God is Sovereign and we are not. Though He Rules, He gives us a measure of independence and expects us to use it wisely. We are to be about doing things His way, and not our own way.

The problem arises when we want to take on more responsibility than He has accorded to us. We want to be little gods, determining our own outcomes and doing our own thing. This never works to our favor, and usually brings about disaster in our homes and families. We need His hand on us, and we need to bend the knee and allow Him to be Sovereign over us.

I have learned this Sovereignty thing through humble submission (and sometimes not so humble submission, kwim?) I have learned much through the school of hard knocks. I have learned a lot about myself, my stubborn pride and my refusal to let go, as well as also about my more sensitive side, that side that is so keen on being in fellowship with Him. It has been give-and-take, a mighty ride, and now I am glad to be riding the wave of His Sovereignty. I am really glad to be firmly in His Hand, and to let go of the reigns for a time (for a long time, I hope).

I am now looking forward to the plans the Lord has for me. I want so much to see what I believe IS His plan to come to pass. I want to experience all He has in mind for me, and to do the things He has shown me. I hope that everything will come to pass just as I believe it will, and I am looking forward with excitement and anticipation to His provision and care for all my needs.

Now, if I can only reconcile this time thing -- His time --I mean. I still want everything to be right now, but I know that His timing is always perfect. I will rest in this fact today, and hopefully tomorrow, will see that brighter future heading my way. May God be Praised forevermore, for ONLY He is Worthy of Our Praise.

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