April 30, 2010

Finalization of Me

Oh, how I have enjoyed learning about my personality. It has been interesting and so refreshing to finally read about the whys and wherefores of my being. I am fascinated by this kind of thing, so much that I think I probably should have become a researcher of some sort. I really do enjoy solving puzzles, finding answers, and coming up with solutions. It is nice to know that there are others out there who are just like me -- annoying and irritating, and perceived as being arrogant (which I hate, but in truth, I often come off that way). I am what I am, as Pop-eye used to say. I just now have far greater respect for myself than I did before I accepted all my quirkiness as being part of my personality.

So where does that leave me? I think it simply lets me let go of the past, and embrace the future, knowing full well that I am ready to take on whatever comes my way. I have struggled to study the past, being propelled into it by my marriage crisis. I don't really like revisiting the past; I would much prefer to focus on the future. But alas, sometimes you have to go back and analyze your mistakes, just to make sure you are not repeating yourself and doomed to fail in the exact same way. I have done this, ad nauseam, and am now ready to put the past behind me. It isn't like I am just flushing the past away, it is really that I recognize and have accepted the fact that the past cannot be changed. There is nothing I can do about 10-20-30 years ago. All those events and opportunities (whether taken or missed) are long dead. They are dead, dead, dead. All I can do now is make sure I don't continue in faulty behavior patterns (habits), relive past mistakes, and follow the wrong path (not the path I was meant to be on).

Finding [the] my right path takes courage. I have had to look adversity in the face, accept the challenge, and then pick myself up, dust myself off, and start moving on down the road. I am a systems-builder, a person who finds innovative and creative solutions to tough problems. There isn't a problem I cannot solve, a challenge that cannot be met, and opportunity to large for me to tackle. I can do it, I just have to make sure I don't shoot myself in the foot first. I need a plan (I have one), a strategy for accomplishing that plan (I have one), and the guts to take it all on (I have it -- I am ready -- I can do this thing.)

Move on. Moving forward. Next phase. I am ready now. I am ready to see what the future holds for me, and excited about the potential I see. I know it will not be easy. I don't mind challenge, in fact, I thrive on the "not possible." I may act like I quit, but I never give up. I just don't give in. I am fiercely loyal, faithful to the end, and will not die until I die. I just won't lay down and roll over -- for no one. I will not do anything I see as being worthless or having no value. I am a stick in the mud, yes, a nuisance. I simply will not budge.

I have wrestled with the Lord so many times and have cried out to Him saying, "Lord, I am such a stick in the mud. I will not budge on this point." He laughs at me because He knows that being a stick in the mud is actually a good thing, in the right hand, and with the right purpose and pursuit. I am loyal, I am faithful, I can be counted on to see the task through to the end. I don't quit. My only issue is that I tend to wrestle with the Lord, which is not really a good thing, and usually ends (always ends) with Him winning. LOL! I learn a lot though and always come away having changed my mindset a bit. I guess it is a good way of wrestling, and I am glad He lets me do it. He does get tired of it, and often will ask if I am ready to give up yet. It reminds me of my older brother whenever he would wrestle with me. He was seven years older, a big tough guy, and I was this little scrawny girl. I could never win -- but it was sure fun trying to do it just the same! I am glad that the Lord loves me with my stick in the mud attitude.

My goals now have been shaped, and I am ready to start them. I have finally accepted that I am good at certain things, that I prefer to look at the world a certain way. This is no longer an issue for me, but rather more of a release. I don't have to conform anymore. I don't have to be like my Mom, who is a sweet loving patient Guardian-Provider type person. I don't have to be a manager or artisan-promoter (someone who sells themselves). I can just be my weird, very shy, and often misunderstood self, the self that works really hard, does a great job, and often can accomplish more than most people simply through shear determination and will. It is who I am. I am content to be me. I am glad, I am relieved, and I am ready to start living my life as myself -- no regrets, no guilty feelings, no inadequacies. Just me. Just plain old me.

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