April 9, 2010

Moving On and Feeling Fine

The past couple days have been troubling to me. No, it is not what you think. Nothing major has happened, no real changes, nothing of that sort. I have simply been in the last stages of the "refining process." I have been brought down to the end, the end of this season in my life, and was asked to make sense of it all. I have to tell you that it was difficult, nearly impossible, but I was able to do it. I had to look back over the past several months and then decide what to do with the information I learned about myself, my life, and the plans that the Lord has in mind for me. I had to put it all into perspective and then come to a decision on what to do now, on how to move forward into this new uncertainty.

I have blogged before that I felt that the Lord was leading us to move out of state. This is true, and that has been the path I have followed for the last several months. However, I have also been applying to jobs locally, waiting on His timing, and also on the provision to be able TO move elsewhere. Thus far, I have scored zero -- nothing -- nada. I have not heard anything back on any of the jobs I applied for, have not made one iota of a move forward in any direction. I have simply been asked to "consider" options, to think them through, and to decide if this was really what I wanted (and could obey the Lord in doing it.) I have been fairly consistent in my desire and willingness to follow the Lord, yet, in all my profession of doing and going and pleasing, I have not moved. I simply have not stepped forward.

I think a lot of it has to do with me personally, and also with where I was spiritually and mentally. I am at a new place, a new sense of spirituality, and now have a new willingness to follow the Lord anywhere He leads. I am still pretty much a babe when it comes to making choices, making decisions, and I tend to over analyze everything. I am the opposite of the Nike ads: Just Do It. For while I want to "just do it;" I tend to wait until I understand it all and can "see" how it will come out in the end. In short, I "just don't do it" even though I say I want to do it. Does that make any sense at all?

As I have come to know the Lord, and experience His Goodness, the one thing I do know (or have finally learned is this):

I may know a lot about the Lord
I may know Him as He has revealved Himself to us through the Word and the World (creation)
I may come to know Him personally, through His Son Jesus Christ
I may come to spend time with Him, to commune with Him through His Spirit

BUT

I will never fully know Him
I will never fully understand Him
I will never fully comprehend Him

I may want to do all these things. I may deeply desire to do them, but I am unable to do it. The Lord is incomprehensible, unknowable in that way, and completely beyond all our attempts (as futile as they may be) to be known. The Lord chooses how He makes Himself known to man. The Lord decides what to share and what to keep in His hand.

The more I have attempted to "know the mind of God;" the more I find myself not knowing much of anything. I don't think God minds us trying to know Him this way; it is more a matter of the futility of the effort. It is like pushing really hard against a rock, a mountain, and actually thinking you can move it with your brute physical strength. Now, the Lord does tell us that we can literally "move mountains" but we understand that we are not the ones doing the moving, the Lord is the GREAT MOVER OF MOUNTAINS.

I know this may sound foolish and arrogant, but it really is the truth. I really thought I could do it. I mean, I didn't actually say, "Carol -- you can do this!" like with some spooky voice. I just mean that in my head I knew the truth, but in my mind, somewhere in there, I thought it was indeed possible.

So much of the past eight months to three years has been about me learning how to know God. I asked to know Him. I confessed that I didn't know Him at all; and the Lord Graciously granted me my prayer. He gave me the opportunity to know Him really well. I loved learning about Him, and learning from Him. I have learned so much of His Goodness. I have learned to trust and rely on Him. I have learned to believe that He is who He says He is. I have learned all of this, yet I still struggle with one little thing: doing what He says. A-hem, I repeat it again...I struggle with HEEDING THE WORD OF GOD.

Now, don't get me wrong, I actually want to do the will of the Lord. I want to obey Him. I know that obedience brings such sweet reward. I have experienced His blessings and Goodness and I want so much more of both. I know that obedience to God's Word is step numero uno in living under the fountain of His Blessing. Yet, with all that knowledge, somewhere I simply didn't do what I was supposed to do. I didn't heed His Spirit who told me to Go, to Move, to take Responsibility, to Walk and Step out in Faith. No, I just kept on asking for more and more and more details. The more details got me lost. The more I learned, the more confused I became. The more I wanted to know, the less I actually remembered.

So here I am now, right where He wants me to be. He wants me to be wholly devoted to Him. He wants me to obey His Word. He wants me to follow Him. I want to do all those things too. Now, I realize that wanting something and actually receiving it are part and parcel of the "walking in faith" aspect of our relationship with the Lord. You can want all you want; but until you actually do what needs to be done -- you will just keep on wanting and waiting. That was me. That is exactly where I have been for several months now. I have wanted so much, and the things I have wanted were all good. But, I never received what I wanted. I prayed, I trusted, I believed, but I never did the little thing being asked of me: I didn't step out and walk in these things. I simply never heeded. I listened, I agreed, I considered, I debated, I suffered long, and finally I decided it was far better to do what I was being asked, then to continue talking about it.

You know people like this, I am sure. They just talk, talk, talk; but, they never do, do, do. They are great at talking up a good show, but when the time comes to actually get moving, they just want to sit and talk some more. Let's discuss this now, they say. You are like, "No, let's get moving." But they stall you, they say "Perhaps there is more to know about this subject. Let's check it out some more." You get frustrated with this stalling, and eventually you leave. You walk away and start doing it on your own.

That is exactly the trap I have fallen into, a trap, that I believe was designed purposely to stall me, to keep me from doing what the Lord wanted. It is Satan's big trap. It is his net that he uses to cast us and catch us. Often, we submit simply because knowing the facts is a wise thing to do. It is not like the Lord says to us, "Don't bother with goodly sense and judgement -- just run haphazard at that thing." No, He gave us our brains and our minds and expects us to carefully consider our ways. This is written throughout His Word and we are continually encouraged to be alert, to be on guard, to carefully consider the words of others as well as our own thoughts and intentions.

Yes, I have been stalled, and it was of my own doing. It was something I allowed to happen because I wasn't willing to heed the Word of His Spirit, who so much wanted to help me find my way (in His will.)

I have since made some headway. I have since taken some tasks and completed them. I have since determined that something needs to be done, and rather than continue to talk about it, it needs action.

I am ready for action now. I am ready to do what is necessary. I am ready to start walking in faith. No more talking, no more stalling. I am ready to begin to do whatever is required of me, so long as it brings Him Glory, and keeps me right in the center of His wonderful Will.

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