April 1, 2010

Seeing the Truth Through Tears

Today, has been a really difficult day for me. I woke up after a troubling night. I really can't say it was specifically bleak, black or dark, it was just difficult. I didn't sleep well, and I was woken up several times throughout the night for various reasons. I didn't get to "sleep" until about 6:00 and then was awoken at 7:00 by my elderly cat wanting to be fed. He has such an insistent whine, it is low, growl-like, and it is loud. I guess he is hard of hearing, because he acts like such an old man. He cries loudly and when you don't come to his needs immediately, he simply will cry louder.

After I got up and did my normal thing, I settled in to read my emails and write on my blog. I was blissfully writing away, when a knock came to door. I knew immediately who it was...and I knew right away that I had missed planned appointment. My friend, Karen, picks me up each week and we go for coffee at the local coffee shop. It is her time to spend with me, and my time to sit and listen to a wonderfully wise older woman. I love this time together, and I appreciate her so much. She has been a rock to me, a solid standard waving in the wind. She reminds me of where I am, and that it is OK to feel like I do. She holds my hand and tells me that it will be OK. She makes me laugh, and she hugs me when I cry. She has become a special friend to me, and I see her as a blessing and gift of the Lord.

Twice now, I have forgotten our meeting time. My mind gets fuzzy, and with everything that is going on right now, I tend to forget things. I ran to the door, crying out and feeling like such an utter failure. There I was in my robe and PJs and there she was all smiles and ready to go. I felt like such an idiot because I normally don't forget things like this. I normally remember everything, but lately, oh lately, my simply is not working as it should. As I cried out and asked her to forgive me (which she did), she ran to her car and came back with a gift for me. She had brought me an Easter treat -- just because she loves me.

She left, happy to go on her way (she is so like that), and I went back into the house and sat down at my computer. I finished my blog post, made my breakfast and got into the shower. I went about my day as usual, but I never felt quite on. I am sure you have experienced this as well, it is as if you just never click. You go through the motions, but don't ever seem to get with the game of things.

Later on, I decided to open her gift to me. In the gift bag were two books by Stormy Omartian. I have never read her books, but I thought they looked good. I sat down and read through the first (about four chapters). I paused and picked up the second, and read the first chapter. After a moment or two of reflection, I felt the Lord pressing in on me, saying to me: "I need you to do something for me." I got up and followed Him to my quiet spot. This time, though, once I got there, He lead me back here. I am sitting here now, blogging about reading these two books. I am not sure really what He wants me to do, but I am content to do whatever He says.

The funny thing is this...as I was reading these books, the thought kept coming back to me: these are my words. I don't mean my "literal words," but rather, these COULD BE MY WORDS. I could have written these exact same words. These are my experiences (not exactly, but the experience itself is similar). I sat there for a moment and thought, "Lord, thank you, for giving me comfort to know that I am not alone."

My life right now is pretty dark. I am following His light and His counsel, but there is darkness all around me. I wish I could say that it was temporary, but I don't know if that is really the case. It is simply a dark period or point in my life. It is dark right now, but the Lord is guiding me through it. I think the thing I learned today is that when I feel most alone, it is simply because I am forgetting to see that He is with me. When I feel most afraid, it is because I am not looking at who is holding on to me. My God has never left me. I am not alone now. Even though it is pretty dark, and I only have a small amount of light to guide me through these next days, weeks, and months...I am not alone. No, He is with me, and because of this truth, I can now walk on without fear or worry or anxiety about where we are going.

I think this is what the Lord wanted me to write out on this blog. He uses this blog (the act of writing and reading back) to help me understand what is happening to me, and to help me see or gain fresh perspective. This blog is more about helping me than others, yet I know that many others have been helped through my sharing of experience. My prayer is always to be of help to others. Today, someone else helped me, and I am grateful.

I don't know what else is going to happen today, but I know that He is with me, and I am OK. Even when it is pretty dark, I still can see His Light. I love Him deeply and am wholly devoted to Him. I am giving Him the Praise now because He is worthy to be Praised.

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