Today is boding well for me. I woke up not feeling great (women's heath issues), but have nicely recovered, and am now getting ready to make plans for the rest of my day. My son's schedule for the day is printed out, my teacher book has been updated (with some new books), and I even have done two loads of wash (plus got myself dressed and the house tidied up.) I am feeling just FINE!
I am also getting ready to send off my application packet to Mercy College. I need to go to the store for a $40 money order, and then head to the post office to mail it...but we are ready to go! I am so very excited to finally send it off, and believe that this is just the beginning of many, many good days to follow.
I have thought more and more about the various plans I feel the Lord is offering to me. I have spent weeks (months, really) considering them, trying them on, so to speak; and, finally feel like the one that fits me best is coming to fruition. The Lord's will is so precious to me, and I desire His will above all else. Yet, even with my heart firmly established in His way, I still wander off course, and into my own thing every so often (more often than I would like). He is so kind and gracious to me, and I know that the plans He has for me are good. I am learning how to rest in them, to let them come to pass and that they do not require my input or help. That last part has been really hard for me, because I have felt that I was to "participate" in them. While this is true, the Lord's idea of my participation and my idea of participation are two vastly different things. My idea is the natural way, the way of my hand, of my doing. His way is supernatural, with the focus and attention on Him, and the provision comes from Him alone. I get it, I understand His way; but, I don't always rest in the security of it. I think somehow I have to do my part WHILE He is doing His part.
This past week has been a time of great learning, and also a time of attitude adjustment. I have learned that anything of the Lord requires nothing from us. Yes, we must cooperate with His Spirit, accept His Will and Provision, but He needs nothing of our doing. He simply needs us to rest and let His Spirit do it all. This is GRACE in action. It is Grace at work in us and through us, and it is the only way for Him to receive all Glory. There can be no part of us in that glory. It is for Him, by Him, and through Him. He is all in all, and though we are here to experience it, to share in it, it will always be 100% about HIM.
I am glad that I finally got to this point because it is far easier on me now. I mean, the struggle, the stress, the worry, the doubt, the fear...has all melted away. I am simply floating in the Spirit of His Will, and it feels mighty fine. It is like when you go water tubing with your family. It is a hot day, and the water is so cool. You are in a big comfy intertube and just lazily floating down the river. It is peaceful, the water surrounds you and moves you where it wills. You are relaxed, not worried about anything, and simply feeling the sensation of that movement under you. This is exactly how I feel today. I am floating down a marvelous river, experiencing such wonderful rest, and simply laying in the trust of His Mighty Arms. I know that I am cared for, and that He Loves me. I am secure. I am safe. I am living now with the certainty that nothing will happen to me without His approval. Nothing, no one can touch me, hurt me, or take advantage of me. I am totally ensconced in His way, His will, and His work.
I cannot tell you how liberating it feels to let go of everything. I have done this before, letting go, but I never really experienced the freedom. I let go of the thing, but I didn't let go of the emotion or the feeling attached to it. I still held on to a little bit of control, and in doing so, I was never fully free like now. I am enjoying this new found freedom, I think, because it is not like I have done anything to bring it to pass. I am experiencing the bountiful nature of His Grace, that is all. I wasn't able to let things go before. I wasn't able to accept His will (completely). I wasn't able to even understand what He wanted from me. I needed to step into His Grace and realize that I could do nothing, could get no where, and could not process any of this without His Grace at work in my life.
As a Christian, I am under the blessings of His Grace. I know this, but what I didn't know was that to do certain things (without being in control) requires an EXTRA MEASURE OF GRACE. I often would ask the Lord for Grace to do something and He would always tell me, "You have my Grace." Yes, His Grace abounds, but at times we need to go to Him and take on extra, to ask for more, so that we can be freed from the natural instinct we have to always be in control. Once that Grace comes upon you, it is as if everything that once mattered pales. It fades into the distance, and while you still see it and know it, you simply do not crave it any longer. It may be useful, purposeful work or some friendship that matters -- but you now can see it though the lens of Grace. It just isn't as important as it once was, and that is OK. It is still good, still there, just not taking center stage anymore. Instead, your eyes are firmly fixed on the One who gives His Grace freely. You only see one thing clearly and that is the call of Jesus on your life. You see His way, His will, His plan and it is in sharp clear focus. You are firmly fixed on it, and are content to see only what He wants you to see right now. In doing so, you are freed from the troubles and worries of the present day, whatever that situation may be or bring. You are simply flowing down that river of Blessed Grace, and you are loving every minute of it.
I am a child of Grace, and now I am deeply ensconced in His Grace. I want to be no where else but right where I am. He has done this for me, and I am rejoicing and thanking Him for His blessed gift.