April 16, 2010

Upending the Cup

Do you remember when your children were really small and you used to allow them to play with cups in the bathtub? My son loved to take baths, and even after he got big, he still preferred to sit in the tub (as opposed to taking a shower). One of the best times for me, was sitting next to the bath tub, while my son played with measuring cups. There is just something so peaceful about scooping water up into a cup and then pouring it out. It was always so relaxing to me, especially if the water was hot (or even warm).

I have pictures of my son in the tub when he was a baby. I have to say that he was might cute. I am sure his future bride will think so too. LOL! I think my two favorite memories of my son when he was small were tub-time and swing-time. Both events made him smile and he had the cutest smile ever.

There is something about dumping a cup out, whether it is filled with water or sand, that reminds me of my life right now. I am not really sure why, I just know that I feel like the Lord has upended my cup. It is sort of like the past couple days I have been enjoying my cup being very full. I have had such good days, productive days, days filled with lots of good stuff. And, then today, it was as if the cup was just dumped out. Rather than experiencing that restful, relaxing feel you get when you pour out hot water, I just feel empty. I don't know what to make of it, other than to wonder if I have done something wrong.

Just yesterday, I was telling my friend all about how good things were going. I was so excited about my future, and thinking finally everything was going to be OK. She was happy for me, glad I think, to see me smile and laugh again. I was really happy too. Then...crash. Everything came down to a grinding halt. I cannot even recall when it happened, but it did.

I think it started when I began to think about moving away. I have been felt so led to go North for some time now. I have done all the planning for that move, but had relinquished those plans in favor of staying put for a time. The Lord had helped me see the benefit of staying still, and that was what I had decided to do. Then today, I started to think all about moving again. I started to remember why I wanted to move, what was there, and why I was feeling drawn towards it. That was when my cup upended. It was all "swoosh" and empty feeling.

Oh, what have I done? How do I get my cup full again? How do I return to where I was, and to the place where I was at ease and in peace?

The answer lays here: if the Lord has placed you somewhere and you are at peace in it; so be it. If the Lord moves you somewhere and you are at peace in it: so be it. However, if you move yourself, and find discomfort and are ill at ease; then go back to where you had your peace.

I think I moved. I think in my heart of hearts, I moved from where I had been, from where I was totally in comfort and at ease. I simply wandered away, much like that of a little child. I didn't mean to wander away, because I had finally found the thing that seemed right. But, I walked away, and here I am in the not-so-familiar place, trying to figure out how to get back to where I was yesterday.

So, back I go. Back to where I was, to where I felt that ease of His Grace on my life. I am going back now, and then will stay where I am to be until such a time that He tells me to do something different.

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