May 31, 2010

Lesson Learned

WOW! Today was a very close call. My MIL rang this afternoon saying that she was unwell. We were supposed to go up there for dinner tonight (all three of us), but she was not feeling good enough to have us come up. The more she talked, the more concerned I became, and the more I pushed for information. She is a very private person and doesn't often share how she is feeling. Today, though, it was obvious that something was wrong. As we ended the conversation, I urged her to call the paramedics and have them come and check her out. She did, and to all our great relief, she was OK (well, OK enough to stay at home; but not OK enough to let this go -- she needs to call her doctor first thing in the AM).

As we spent the afternoon together, my thoughts ran through my head. I wondered about her condition, about my FIL's welfare (he is a stroke victim), and about my DH, who was absent (off at a pool/BBQ with friends). I worried about my husbands parents (not the first time), and wondered, who would care for them once we are moved. You see, over the course of almost 26 years of marriage, I have been the one to do most of the caring. My DH tagged along, but rarely did more than "show up." Recently, he has had to pick up the pace because I put my foot down and told him that I was not going to continue on in this capacity after we move. It is not that I don't love my in-laws, it is just a matter of priorities. I have been the care giver for my parents and parents in-law. I guess this naturally falls to the daughter, but in the case, with my life now changing, and the opportunity for us to move on our own -- I think it is time for him to take care of his parents. His sister lives in another state and often travels, at great expense, to care for her mom and dad. He cannot rely on me or his sister for this type of support. Oh well.

The good news is that Mom is OK for today. Hopefully, over the next few days, we will find out what exactly is going on with her.

The point of this post is really not about my DH and his parents; but rather, it is about a lesson I learned today. It is all about waiting and being still. I have blogged about waiting ad nauseam (it seems like to me) and about the concept of being still before the Lord. I just read through an older post, posted back in June 2007. I was surprised by my words -- I remember 2007 well. June was the month when my DH suffered an almost fatal heart attack. He almost died, and I was almost a widow. It is amazing to think about how things have changed since that time. I was actually blogging about not being able to wait and be still, about not having patience, and about not being consistent in my reliance upon the Lord. Then wham! my DH has a heart attack and nearly dies. In one fell swoop, I was cascaded right off the water fall and down into the storm and tempest of the river.

It would be another 2 years before I would get my second chance at learning how to wait. In February of 2009, my husband suffered a near fatal stroke. He recovered, which was accorded a miracle by the nursing staff and doctors at Barrows Neurological Institute. In sure fire fashion, I found myself once again floating right off that water fall and crashing down into the torment of the river below. I survived by the Grace of God, and I lived to tell the story. But, the story was not of joy or of praise for God's healing; no, not at all. Later in that year, I would be plunged beneath those falls again, this time with the truth of my husband's infidelity, and his desire to live a solo life. It was something I was not prepared to handle, and something I was totally ignorant of (meaning feelings).

The last year has been the year from hell. It has taken a huge toll on my body, my mind, and my soul. I have been so downcast, so devastated, and so destroyed; yet, I have survived. Just like in 2007, 2009, and most recently in 2010 -- I have survived. The mighty and powerful hand of God has rested upon me, and has instructed me in how to "be still and know that He is God." Yes, this psalm has been my refuge and my solace:

Psalm 46

1God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

2Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;

3Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah.

4There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High.

5God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.

6The heathen raged, the kingdoms were moved: he uttered his voice, the earth melted.

7The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.

8Come, behold the works of the LORD, what desolations he hath made in the earth.

9He maketh wars to cease unto the end of the earth; he breaketh the bow, and cutteth the spear in sunder; he burneth the chariot in the fire.

10Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.

11The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.

The Lord of Hosts has seen to it that I learn a very important lesson. It was His desire that I learn how to be still and rest in the knowledge that He is God. The events of the past three years have been more than enough to convince me of His Being God. However, the learning to be still part has been the hardest part to actually live and accept. I have wanted to accept being still, but haven't acted the part. I have wanted to rest in His sufficiency, but I haven't done it totally and completely. It has taken total surrender of my will, total dependence upon Him for His provision, and a total reliance upon Him as God, to get me to this point -- in tact, in one piece, and completely and solely devoted to Him.

God has been so Good to me. He knows me so well, and He loves me in spite of myself. I sing this hymn today to bring Him Glory:

All to Jesus, I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.

All to Jesus, I surrender;
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel the Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.

All to Jesus, I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power;
Let Thy blessing fall on me.

All to Jesus I surrender;
Now I feel the sacred flame.
O the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to His Name!

I surrender all, I surrender all,
All to Thee, my bless├Ęd Savior,
I surrender all.

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