The funny thing is that I don't feel very praise-worthy or worshipful right now. No, not at all. I thought it was lack of sleep due to our new baby kitten. Then I thought it was the onset of summer (and near 100 degree days). The thought also crossed my "little gray cells" that perhaps another spirit of oppression was at work in my home. Church was fine. Lunch was OK. Now, that I am spending the afternoon sitting quietly at the computer, I feel numb and almost in a deaden way. I cannot really explain it other than to say I feel dead (I am not of course -- I am after all blogging and that requires some gray matter to function! LOL!!)
No, something else is going on and I am trying very hard to make sense of it all. It really started last week. As far as I can tell, I went from being good and solidly set to this feeling of being numb and frozen in time. I am trying to recall what happened, if something happened here at home, that sent me whirling into the depths and coldness of outer space. My mind draws a blank. I have confessed everything I can think of, and I have acknowledged God as God (always a good idea). I simply am baffled at what I am experiencing and how this numbness has suddenly come on me.
Prior to this post, the Lord took me through my older posts. Many of them were quite inspirational, and were written shortly after experiencing something life-changing. Some nugget of truth, some kernel of revelation -- and then some time to sit and thing -- to percolate -- and voila! A new blog post. I couldn't help but say, "Yes, Lord -- this is so true!" Most of these posts were clearly inspired by the Lord and directed by His Spirit. I am just not that good of a writer nor am I that savvy when it comes to Biblical knowledge. He is, after all, He is God. So be it.
So what do I do? How do I figure out what is going on. All I can tell you is that right now, I can barely keep my eyes open and I feel as though I haven't slept in days (not true). I don't want to feel this way, not now. Not when I am perched on the week of deliverance and can feel that one of the jobs I applied WILL come to pass. I just feel it (well, that is FELT it -- I don't feel anything today).
The truth is this: something is not quite right with me. I am typically pretty "on" most days. Yes, I had decaf this am and missed my morning jolt of java, but I did have diet pepsi when I got home. Enough caffeine in there to satisfy any craving. Hmm...I need to pray on this one a bit more. I will blog more shortly.
Update: June 6, 2010
I thought I would add an update to this post rather then leaving it so open-ended. Some things have changed recently, and some are still the same. I think the biggest change has been with me personally. I have chosen to remain here in Phoenix, and to find work locally. I have also chosen to remain in my home, and not seek to move out of it. I am feeling more confident that this is the Lord's will for me, and that in doing so, He will provide what I need to be able to live well and continue to minister to my extended family.
This past week was spent caring for both my FIL and MIL. My MIL was hospitalized once, in the ER twice. She is doing better, but her condition has reminded me that my parents as well as my DH's are of the age when care is a necessity.
I have also re-evaluated my relationship with my husband. Though we have not been restored to marriage, I think we have an agreement of sorts. I have decided to not pursue divorce nor legal separation and instead allow the Lord to continue to work as He desires. In doing so, I have chosen to place my entire future on the Lord, and to believe that everything He desires for me will indeed come to pass.
With that said, I have determined that the best course of action is to stay put (here in Phoenix) for a time longer, and give the Lord the time He needs to do what He does best. I have also graduated my son from home school, and enrolled him at our local community college. He will take full-time classes in the fall and work towards transferring to our local University to major in Music Composition.
Moreover, I will continue to do what the Lord has told me to do: school my son (though now handled through the CC); study cello; work on graduate studies. These are the commands/directives I have received from Him, and these are the only things I have been told to do.
Though I do not understand everything, nor should I be able to do so: I do know what the Lord has told me to do. I intend to be faithful to His commands to me, and then will leave the rest into His capable hands.
God is so good to me.