June 4, 2010

Clearness Reigns

WOW! A lot has changed over the course of the past few days. My MIL is coming home from the hospital today, and thank the Lord, she has nothing seriously wrong with her heart (PTL!) This experience has really put a shank in my plans. I thought I had everything figured out, everything...down to the last little detail. Then, WHAM!, the Lord allows a curve ball through and I swing and strike out. I cannot really explain it, but all my struggle over the past couple months came to a close today (of all days).

First of all, let me explain. Back in January, the Lord and I discussed options regarding my marital situation. He laid it all out for me, what I was to do, how to do it, etc. He promised to provide (and He has). I started off the year, walking right behind him. I struggled a little bit at first, especially when finding the "right" car prove uneventful. It took some time, and then finally submitting to God's will for me to see that the "right car" was right in front of my nose. God did a miracle that day, and provided a wonderful little car for me to drive. It was GRACE in action, and the KIA car folks didn't know what hit them. They pulled all their tricks, and I stood my ground (me and my little amount for a car), and guess what? The Lord prevailed and I walked off that showroom with my darling little car.

Everything was coming up roses back then. I applied for a job that I "knew" was the right fit for me. I applied for graduate school, again a good fit. And then I waited. I waited some more. Finally, I began to get depressed and disappointed because all it seemed like was that I was waiting every day -- with no promises coming to pass.

I cried out to the Lord, I prayed earnestly, I tried to figure it all out. Several months passed and nothing changed, nothing moved, northing at all. I have gone to the Lord to ask, and I am reminded of His will. The problems is that the things I am waiting on are not components of His will for my life. They are just normal things -- a job, a place to live, etc. His will, I am told, is done in my life (graduate school is definitely a "will" item).

I thought that this meant that I was on the right track, that I was to continue to wait for the rest of His will to come to pass. But, now I think I was mistaken about doing that, and think I have waited too long (my fault, not the Lords). I blogged about this a few months back, and then just recently. Twice now, I have asked the Lord for a way out, a way out of my present circumstance. I begged for this trial to end, and twice the Holy Spirit has shown me the way out. I didn't get what He wanted, or at the least, that was my excuse. I knew what He wanted me to do, because twice now I have done it, and twice now I have experienced liberation.

The problem was that twice now I have also put myself willingly back into the same situation -- simply because I believed it was better, a better choice. The error on my part was thinking that I had any say in the matter at all. I realized today that I have looked at the Lord's way out and wrinkled up my nose and said "No Thanks!" Funny because I don't remember saying "No Thanks" to Him. But in my stubborn heart that is exactly what I did. I turned my nose up and preferred my way to His.

I have had to swallow this bitter pill more than once in my recent past -- and this time -- it is far more the worse. I should have taken heed, learned the first or second time around, because this time the waiting and the agony was prolonged and awful. I should have learned, but hard headed and stubborn Carol just refused to honor the Lord's gift. Rats -- why do I do this? Because I am human flesh, human flesh that is flawed and sinful. Ugh!

So what is the answer today? The answer is this: my MIL's recent bout with severe illness helped jump start me moving again. You see, I had made up my mind that the Lord's will was for me and my son to relocate to IL. We both wanted to go there, we both felt it was a good idea. We both (in truth) wanted to flee our present situation and go somewhere else -- pronto!

I, however, have had doubts about this move since I first started to think it through and consider it. It wasn't that it was a poor idea, really in truth, it was a good idea. It was just really, really, really difficult to see how it would come to pass. It was an unobtainable goal, something so high and so lofty that only God could provide it to me. I believe He would provide it, I stuck to my guns on it; but in my heart, I waffled about leaving Phoenix, leaving my family, and leaving everything we know.

This illness of my MIL's did this for me: it showed me what mattered most to me was not income or prosperity, but people, real people, people I love and care for deeply. It also showed me that a big part of me is right here in Phoenix, and despite the heat, I really do like living here. Moreover, I saw the dependency of my parents and my husband's parents -- they need both of us (my DH and I) to help them. Leaving them now would not serve anyone well. Moreover, they need my son, and they rely on him as well.

The short of it is this: I wanted to leave Phoenix behind because of all the pain that I felt here. I wanted to go someplace new to start over. The Lord was showing me that I didn't need to go anywhere else, that I would do His will right here and now. I just wasn't happy with what He was providing to me. I wanted it "my way."

It was on the way to pick up my FIL this afternoon, that this whole matter came sharply into focus. I asked the Lord for His will, and He told me what it was. Actually, I asked Him what His decision was regarding our move, and He said for me to stay here. I agreed, and with those words, it was like the fog lifted and everything cleared. I have known since February that we were to stay here, but I wanted a different outcome. All my wanting to please the Lord ended up with me spinning my wheels and doing nothing. Granted, I did rest, and the Lord did have me do some valuable work. I just didn't get the job I applied for nor has anything happened since then. I have been in a holding pattern since February, praying in agony to move anywhere, but seeing nothing shift or release to let me go.

Dear Lord,

I understand now what your will is for me. I knew the specifics as to ministry, I just got really confused about the dailies -- the every day things. You are a God who delights in the dailyness of life, so it doesn't surprise me that you allowed me to stew for such a long time until I was ready to accept your way 100%. I am here today to do this now. I want the full provision of God, nothing short of your will in every area. Please forgive me for my hard head and stubborn willfulness. Allow me now to live and float freely in your Grace. I am yours and you are mine -- please let your will come to pass now. I am ready, Lord.

No comments: