June 10, 2010

Grace Understood

This past week has been such a blur for me. I spent most of the previous week at the hospital with my MIL. Then later this week, spent a few days providing extended care for her and my FIL. I do not mind doing these things, but since I am a creature of habit and love my "normal" routine; I have a hard time adjusting when my days are knocked out of whack. I did my best, and the care was given, and now am trying to get back to my "normal." The problem is that I don't really have a normal any more.

At one time, I knew exactly what my "normal" was -- I worked from home as a website designer, I managed client accounts and attended to their needs. I homeschooled my son, and planned and organized his curriculum. I printed a daily schedule for us to follow, and I would fit in all my "work" around math, science or history readings. I did piano lessons and chamber lessons, and anything else that needed done during the week. I also kept house -- cleaned, cooked, shopped, laundry, etc. I did the banking, and the buying and all the other little things that were part of operating a home based business. I also cared for my parents and parents-in-law. If they needed me, I accomodated them as best I could. Sometimes it meant Drs. appointments; sometimes it was picking one or more up and taking them to someplace, and then returning an hour later and taking them back home. In short, I wore many hats, all of them necessary to the life that I lived.

Then this whole marriage crisis thing hit, and everything fell apart. My life went from "normal" to "bizzare" overnight. I no longer had my compass pointing north. I still got up every day, and I still attempted to do my "normal" routine, but it was as if I was just going through the motions. I was still a wife and mother, but felt more like a displaced one. I was still in my home, but my home no longer felt like "home" to me. The more I tried to understand my situation, and find some measure of control, the more out of control it spun. In the end, I was left with little fragments of the life I once lived and shared with my husband.

Now, I am at a new "normal". I guess this is what happens when you go through separation and divorce. My days are still filled with details, with events, and with necessities; but there is no grounding to them. I am no longer a wife serving her husband; no, I am a woman who is serving herself. I still care for my son, and I still care for the parents (both sets). I also still do the house keeping, and the errands. My work at home as ceased, and I am seeking outside employment. Home schooling has ended, and my son is preparing to begin college in the fall. Everything that was part of my old life has passed away. New life has been born, and now it is growing up. It is not fully mature yet, and there are still times to pass; but for all intents and purposes, this new life is the life I am to live.

As I reflect back on the past year, the one thing I see over and over again is the Marvelous Hand of God's Grace on my life. I was telling this to my Mom last evening, and as I started to say it, I heard the truth ring in my head. Have you ever had that happen to you? You are speaking to someone, and then mystically the words you hear and are speaking out loud, tell you silently "Yes, this is the truth." You just know that what you have just said was the truth. I don't mean truth as in not being honest -- no -- I mean truth as in deep Biblical and Spiritual truth (Grace-filled truth, life-changing truth, that kind).

I said to my Mom, "You know, Mom, my life is pretty good right now." She looked at me quizzically because I still don't have a job, am still living with my DH in our shared home, etc. I went on to say, "God has placed a net over me. He has blessed me so abundantly, and I am receiving the benefit of His Grace." As I explained it to her, this is what struck me as truth:
  • I am at peace within and without (there is no tension in my home)
  • I am contented with the Lord's plans and will for my life
  • I am patiently waiting for Him to deliver me and provide everything I need
  • Personally, I am whole (mentally) and I am physically well (feeling better than I have in years)
  • I have lost some weight and I look good
  • I have my own bank account and I have both checking and savings
  • I have money in both accounts, more than I have had in years
  • I have a great car that not only runs well, but is super efficient on gas
  • I have good car insurance (hooray!)
  • I have my own credit card -- needs paid off, but it is manageable
  • I am applied to graduate school for courses this fall (working on a MA degree)
  • I am looking for technical work that will pay a very good salary
  • My son is well, and is ready for college
  • I am advancing as a cellist, loving the cello and enjoying the opportunity to learn to play it
  • I have everything I need -- clothing, shoes, makeup (the little things like nail polish)
  • I am able to buy curriculum or music supplies or even little things at Target (like DVDs)

In essence, the hand of God has rested upon me and has made it possible for me to have a good life in the MIDST of all the upset and difficulties in my marriage. I am not undone; I am not devastated; I am not depressed. I am singularly focused on one thing, and that one thing is worshipping the Living God. The more I focus on Him, the less I focus on my own life. The more I trust Him, the more He provides for me. The more I look to Him as my supplier and provider, the less I trust in my own understanding and ability to do things.

The Grace of God is a marvelous thing and I am a benefactor of His Blessing this day. I give Him all the Praise and Honor and Glory because ONLY HE IS WORTHY TO RECEIVE IT. May Jesus be praised this day and forevermore.


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