June 7, 2010

Longing for a Change

Today was a difficult day for me. I did OK to start, but sometime after lunch seemed just to crash and burn. I am not sure why, but I think it was something I did or didn't do (isn't that always the case).

The day started out hopeful, and then turned fateful. I emailed one of the companies I applied to for work, only to find that their were NO openings at this time. The corporate website said otherwise, but the store manager said, "Thanks for inquiring. We'll keep your resume on file." Well, that answer threw me for a loop. I was believing that the Lord wanted us to stay put in Phoenix, and had blogged as much the other day (after my MIL's illness and hospitalization.) I was hopeful that this job would be "it" for me. It was with one of our local Community Colleges, and was a position I was capable of doing. The pay was good; the benefits excellent. The problem -- the job was either filled internally (right away) OR was posted in error or not removed by the corporate HR team.

There was nothing I could do about it, so I had to accept it as a fact. That job, along with all the others I have applied to here in Phoenix are "no gos." The only job still not filled (so the posting states) is the position in IL. This is the job I applied to back in April, and then again in May. I have not heard back, and now wonder if it is also filled (and HR is just slow to remove the post). The funny thing is that their other filled positions get removed ASAP -- this one has been online for about three months now. I just don't know what to believe.

I am at the "giving up" point, and even though I know the job market is slow, I am faithful to believe that the Lord has a job for me. I need a job, and each week is making that need evermore so great. The issue is now -- do I start over again -- all over? Or do I continue to hold out, believing in faith that perhaps this one is truly "it?"

My heart tells me to trust the Lord; my mind is the one filled with doubt, worry, anxiety, and mistrust. It is not that I mistrust the Lord, it is more that I mistrust my discernment skills, and feel as though I have been the one to "jump the gun" on certain impressions. Rather than wait and pray about the feeling I had, I tended to jump right at it, and assume it was of the Lord. I don't think I was misled or anything like that, just that I took certain impressions in ways the Lord did not intend them to be taken.

My discernment skill is good; not great. It needs work, that is for certain. Yet still, it is better than it used to be. I am right far more times than I am wrong. I misstep often, but thankfully, not big missteps that end up ruining things. No, thankfully, I tend to misstep on the little details, and not miss the mark on the bigger ones. It is a learning process, that is certain; one that I need to consistently and carefully practice again and again.

Now I am at a cross roads. Do I go to IL and follow after this job OR do I wait for another door to open here in Phoenix. I have exhausted those jobs I felt led by the Lord to apply. I either need a fresh view, a new road map to follow, or I need to let Phoenix go and trust that the Lord will provide for me in another state.

Dear Lord,

I am at your Mercy. You know my needs, and you know that I have been patiently waiting for one of these jobs to come to pass. Nothing has happened in over six months, and now I am wondering what is going on. Please give me clarity to know exactly your will, and then give me the Grace to trust you. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

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