June 9, 2010

Morning is Glorious

What a lovely day? It is beautiful here today -- sun shining, blue skies. It is supposed to be more mild today (high 90s), which will be a nice change. Next week, though, we are back into the low 100s (105-108).

Two of my three boys are with me. My big boy, Winston, is asleep on my desk, and my new baby, Ike, is asleep on my feet (Gus is asleep in the hallway, leaning on the water bowl -- weird cat!) The boys are settling into their routine, and the baby seems less of a threat to them. The past two weeks has been iffy -- with the boys just not sure what to make of the newcomer. They are more tolerant of him, and have even let him sleep next to them (a good sign!) He still jumps on them, chases them, and generally makes himself a nuisance to them -- but all in all -- I think we are on the way to a happy friendship (hooray!)

I am blogging this morning, drinking my coffee, and looking forward to a good day. I have my first chamber group at noon today (second actually -- but missed last week due to my MIL's hospital need). I will be playing cello to my teacher and another student's violin. My son will play piano. I am not sure how it will go, but am game to try.

Overall, I am incredibly peaceful right now. I am no longer concerned or worried about my situation; I am settled in what must be; and I am excited (expectant) of good to arrive very soon. In short, the Lord has taken away my anxiety and given me a sense of confidence that this is His will, and this will be (come to pass). I cannot explain it other than to say that the Lord has helped me to let go of the last vestige of my old life, and embrace the beginnings of my new life. I had tried to do this several times before, even telling Him that I was doing it -- it just never worked. I see now that this was something only He could do for me, and I needed His Grace to be able to truly let go and let Him guide me.

My new found sense of confidence is not boastful confidence. It is more a quiet resolve, a resolve that says "this is what will be, so let it be." It is not shouting out "Hey there, look at what I am doing," but rather, it is simply saying "this is the Lord's will and it will come to pass just as He has said it would." The waiting, the longing, all those feelings of "when" have subsided and now are replaced with peace, with joy, and with the knowledge that God is Sovereign and that God knows what is best for my life. I am truly content, feeling satisfied in the knowledge that He has my best in mind, and His Good will is coming into my life in a steady stream. I can rest in His peace, and know that He is my God, and that He will do what He has promised He would do.

I thought I lacked faith, but what I really lacked was confidence. I had the faith to believe, I just needed assurance that He would do what He said He would do. Since God cannot lie, it was a matter of accepting the truth of the situation, and knowing that the One who said it is indeed TRUTHFUL. Once that little nugget settled into my pea-brain, it was as if all the doubt disappeared. He is TRUTH -- the WORD IS TRUTH. He is trustworthy, and He is believable.

I am thanking the Lord today for helping me overcome the cycle of doubt, of frustration, and of feeling as though there was no hope in sight. The hope was always there, I had just lost sight of it. He helped me recover my vision, and has shown me that I can continue to believe in Him, on Him, and because of Him. He is my God, and today I am praising Him and giving Him all the glory.

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