June 6, 2010

Sensing Loss and Isolation

These past two weeks have been very unusual for me. I cannot really put my finger on what IT IS, but can tell you that I have felt alone and very lost. I don't even remember exactly when this sense of loss and isolation began, but it was about two weeks ago.

There have been some changes in my life since then, namely adopting a new kitten, and my MIL's recent hospitalization. Both were life-changers, though the one (the kitten) is long term. PTL! My MIL is going to be OK, so that was just a brief interruption (scary, no doubt).

As I sit here today, I think about what has happened, and how I feel. I don't like this feeling. I don't like feeling as if I have done something and the Lord is not pleased. I don't know what I have done, but whatever it was (or is), has put me in an isolation chamber for a time-out. Perhaps I needed some time-out for bad behavior or more than likely a repeated offense (a bad habit that needed to be broken). I had blogged about this before, and it is very possible that I wasn't doing what I had promised of the Lord and a little chastisement was in order.

The Lord does chastise us for any number of reasons. Just like any Loving parent, He chooses the discipline based solely upon what is 'best' for us. Sometimes we need a hard wake up call, and other times we just need some time out, some time to think things through so that we can see the error of our way. I think this has been the case with me, and I needed some time out, some time where I was isolated and alone so that I would see what I was doing and why this deeply bothered the Lord.

The problem is that as human flesh, I tend to do things without thinking, and then even when asked to "think" back, I never can fully remember what it was or is that I had done. Drats! Good thing my Father loves me. He is always helpful and will remind me of what I have done so that we can discuss it and set about to fix the issue or concern.

This is where I am today. I have recognized the isolation, noticed the distance from the Father, and have been praying, asking Him to help me understand what is going on. What I know is this -- I have been sent into time out for a short time. Yuck! No sense whining about it, no sense throwing a temper tantrum. If the Lord sent me here it was for a very good reason. I am ready now to know what I did (have done) and how to keep from doing it again.

Let me recap my situation and perhaps this will help me to jog my memory and get me back into the "all clear." As I have blogged at length before, my marriage has come to a certain end. I have been in limbo so to speak, still living with my DH in our home, but not really in a close relationship anymore. We are casual friends, to put it bluntly. My DH had accused me of being a "friend" to him years before, but I think now he really knows that was not the case. If he thought I was being a friend only (instead of a wife), he should have tasted casual friendship enough now to know the difference. I certainly feel the difference, I mean I am not functioning as a wife or even a close, intimate friend. I am just another person living under the same roof, sharing the same food, using the same facilities, and going about my own business.

The Lord has impressed upon me that we (me and my son) needed to move out of our present home due to some ongoing sin issues. I have not been able to do this because I am unemployed at present. I have been looking for work for almost six months, but none of the jobs I have applied for have even brought an interview. I am getting depressed over the slowness of finding work, but am trying to remember that there are other folks who have been looking for nine to twelve months. I need to keep up a good attitude and remember to trust the Lord. His timing is perfect in all things.

Secondly, with the job has been the prospect of moving away from Phoenix. The Lord has shown me two possible ways to re-establish my life. The first is to remain here in Phoenix; and the second, is to move to IL. I have applied for jobs in both places, but nothing has come to pass yet.

Third, there is the issue with my son's schooling. My DS is almost 17, and has been home schooled since 5th grade. I had three options for his schooling: continue home schooling as best I could (for 12th grade); dual-enrollment (half home school/half college courses); or graduate early and enroll full-time in college. I chose the latter, and have closed out of home school journey. My son has the option of going to the JC in Phoenix (already accepted) or if we move, going to a local College (not full-time, but starting out with a few classes only).

Last, there is the need for a home. The Lord has shown me two homes, one here in Phoenix and one in our target city. Both are doable for us, though rely solely on the Lord for His provision of funding, loan, etc.

So this is my life, in a nutshell. Oh yes, and I am waiting to hear back on graduate school acceptance. I have applied, talked with the English Department Director, and am now waiting for final confirmation so that I can begin graduate classes in September.

As I stated above, I am not sure what I did to get me into time-out, but I think it had something to do with breaking a particularly bad habit OR that and then not doing what I said I would do. The Lord takes our words very seriously so if we promise Him that we will do something (say it -- it is considered a vow), then we are obligated to do it. You cannot make Him promises and then fail to try and keep them. Now do keep in mind that we can never fully keep our promises -- that is just human flesh -- but the Lord expects us to be earnest in trying to do so. If we say we are going to do something, then we need to apply our will, our attitude, and our strength to doing it. The Lord will do the rest -- His Grace will enable us to fulfill our promise to Him.

I think my error was in number two. I promised the Lord that I would change my ways, stop doing a particular thing, and then I went right ahead and did it again (probably several times). I didn't keep my word to Him, so I got a little reminder that He is God, and I am not. Ok, I get it. I get it.

The key now is to acknowledge what I have done, get back into the business of keeping my word, and start walking after Him again.

Dear Lord,

I see now that I needed some time away from you to help me get my head straight. I needed to be reminded that you are God, and that as God, you are Sovereign. I acted without thinking, doing things on auto-pilot rather than in good conscience. I simply reverted to old ways, ways that have been long put away. I stopped doing what was right and good, and started to go back to do things the wishy-washy way. I promised you that I would stop doing this, and then I went ahead and did it right in your face. I am sorry Lord for my bad behavior and I ask for your forgiveness now. In Jesus' Name I pray, Amen.

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