June 30, 2010

What to Do When It Hurts So Bad...

to love someone so much?

What a long sentence (hey hey hey), but so very true. A friend of mine is going through a similar situation to me. She is separated from her husband, and is struggling to try and figure out how things will work out in her life. Her situation is more dire than mine, due to the fact that she is all alone, and has several children. I am thankful that as of now, I am not solely responsible for my future, and I have just one child. I don't know what I would do if I had to care for more than one child, and try to make ends meet. If you happen to be a prayer warrior, please pray for my friend (I will leave her name out). She really could use the support right now, and her situation is quite critical. Thanks!

On another front, I am sitting here blogging right now. It is 9:41 p.m. and I just finished watching a video of Inspector Morse. My folks have almost the entire set (series 1-8, 10-11). They recently bought series 10-11, and only need to get 9 to have the complete program (all televised episodes). I became a Morse fan a number of years ago, and have enjoyed the reruns whenever Masterpiece Mystery runs them on TV. My folks loaned me the videos and I have been having a hoot watching them again. I do miss John Thaw as Morse. I believe he passed away in 2002 -- he was such a great actor.

I was thinking about my life (as I was watching the video), and remembering when I first saw the Morse program on PBS. I was living in San Jose, CA then, and was about to finish up my BA degree at San Jose State University. Funny how time flies -- I am just beginning my MA degree now, nearly 17 years later. Still it is interesting to recall what I was doing then, what my dreams and goals were, and then trace the events of my life as they unfolded over the course of time.

I am much older now (will be 48 this year), and am seriously working towards a PhD degree. I have about five years of graduate study ahead of me (given my proclivity for writing, I think I can do it in that time frame). I am actually looking forward to advanced study, and I am so excited about the courses I will take. I love to read school books, and I love to write papers. I guess I am a scholary type person -- even though I don't read for pleasure or enjoyment. I read for purpose -- for achievement -- and for learning (knowledge). LOL! I know so many folks who are better read than I am, better all around when it comes to general knowledge. I tend to know certain things, stick with those that appeal to me, and ignore the rest. I guess I am truly the bobble-headed professor type. In my field, I seem very deep. Everywhere else, I am just a tiny little puddle of mush.

As I was thinking back on my life, I started to wonder just exactly how things would turn out for me. After all, I am in the midst of a serious life change, a serious redirect, a serious turn in the other direction. I started my adult life with one focus, one path in mind, and with one purpose planned. I am now at the midway, and am finding that path leading no where I want to be, and I am redirected (or should say have been redirected) onto a completely different path, heading in a completely different direction. In some ways it is exciting to think about all the possibility. In other ways, though, it is difficult to be eager and anticipatory when the end is unknown, the way unclear, and the future -- well, just a fog.

The good news is that I am content, I am truly happy, and for the first time in my life, I am convinced of my path. I don't know every detail or what will be tomorrow or the next; but, I do know that my plan or my proposed plan is "green lighted" all the way. I feel so blessed to be in this position, to be able to pursue something I have wanted to do for so very long, and believed that I would never be able even to consider attempting. Instead of seeing my life as an end, I am able to see it as a beginning; and with that new view, I can truly say that "all things are possible for God." I mean, I could never have dreamed, wished or envisioned my life turning out the way it has nor could I have articulated such desires, wants and hopes. Nope, this -- all of this -- is not of my hand nor of my mind. I am just not that smart, that crafty, that capable (and I am pretty capable!) This is of the Lord, and I know it. I cannot say it any other way, but this is His will coming to pass in my life, and He has taken me to this point and said (in effect): "Here you go, walk this way and be blessed." Yes, I am walking this way, and He is blessing me with all sorts of blessing. I am at peace, I am filled with joy, and I am contented and satisfied. He has done all of this for me, and I give Him all the praise because He is SO VERY GOOD TO ME. PTL!

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