Last week, I was in one huge befuddled mess. I cannot state it any other way, other than to say, I was confounded and confused. I have been this way for a long while, with periods of clarity interpersed in between; but last week was just especially difficult. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that this sort of feeling has been around for so long, and I was, frankly speaking, done with it (you know -- enough already!) I was in prayer over it, trying to figure it all out, but nothing was making any sense at all. I was stuck, completely stuck, and feeling as if I was battering my hands in the air (like a boxer on one of those bags that hangs down from the ceiling). I was whacking away, and not hitting at anything but air.
Then later this week (earlier on), I had a breakthrough. I am not sure why, but it seems like God's timing just opened up, and I was let out of my little cage. Not that He has kept in a cage, just that I felt like I had been caged up, and then on about Monday, the little door was flung open. I walked out. At first, I didn't know quite what to do, so I went back in my little cage for a while. After a bit, I came out again, and started to walk around and test my legs and such. Little by little, I began to breath and feel the fresh clean air. I began to feel better and better being out of my little cage, and then something wonderful happened -- I experienced true freedom. I flapped my little wings, tested them out as well, and took off for a little flight on my own. WOW! It was awesome, and I felt so free, so wonderfully free.
On Wednesday, I went for coffee with my good friend, and then later on, went to see my counselor friend from church. I was higher than a kite, feeling so liberated and powerful. I was flying on my own -- solo -- and it was magnificent. I tried to explain my feelings and what was going on inside of me, but all I could babble out was something about God's Goodness towards me, and the fact that He had changed me.
I left thinking that I was powerful, and in a position to affect change. I went for dinner to my Mom's and then came home. The next morning, I woke up feeling refreshed and ready to go. I tested my wings again, and zoom! I was off in the wild blue yonder. WOW! Another wonderful day of free flight, and feeling so wonderfully empowered.
Today, I am here at home, working slowly on some projects, and feeling content. Again, I am at a loss of words (which is something totally unusual for me), and all I can say is that God is SO GOOD TO ME.
I wish I could explain it, but I think it is probably best described this way:
- I know I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
- I know that God's plans for my life are so GOOD
- I know that my future is bright with possibility
- and I know where I am headed, and how I am to get there
Now, it isn't that I didn't already know all these things, because I did. I even quoted them on this blog (so many times before). This time, I am convinced of these things. I am not just saying them to convince myself, but I really, really believe them.
God has done something to my mind. He has changed my thoughts, and made me think things differently. And, as I started to think differently, my attitude changed, and my willingess to do things a little differently changed too. The extra neat thing, not that changed attitude and willingness are not neat, because they are; but, moreover my circumstances changed as well.
This whole mind shift thing began last week when my son and I filled out an application for a job at Target. I blogged about this before, but it was done on a whim, and somehow that little act of randomness, fueled an entire mindshift and attitude adjustment. I spent the week thinking about Target, and then contemplating doing that kind of work. I started to grasp something the Lord has said to me so many times before: my work is different from a job. God has work for me to do; kingdom work, ministry work -- of this, I am certain. I need a job, and He knows it. But, I need practical work, a plain old job so that I can pay my bills. I have been hung up on the "job" even for a time treating it as such a high and mighty thing that I was worshipping it instead of the Lord (well, not instead, but along side of Him -- most certainly). I confessed that right away, and then this whole thing fell out of place, and into something, well wonderful.
After I came too (jokingly said), I did something I had not wanted to do in a long while. I applied for two jobs through a local hosting company here in Scottsdale. I had been encouraged early on to go and apply because they were hiring (back in December). I just didn't want to work for this particular company (for a number of reasons). Now, with 8 months of job hunting under my belt, well, I did the deed and applied for two positions I thought I might like to have. I don't know if I will even get a call back -- it could be just like before -- but I did the deed, and applied.
Then something most wonderful happened -- more than I could even imagine. My DH had asked me the other day if I would consider doing a small contract job for a friend of his. I have not wanted to go back into website design, but I said yes (actually the Lord said yes). I thought it would be quick money, and hurrah -- over and done with -- so be it. Today, I receive a note card in the mail from a former client who wanted to know if I would consider a small job for them? I said yes (again, the Lord said yes). So here I am, unemployed with the potential for any number of jobs to come to pass, AND I have some contract work to do.
Here is the quirky thing in all of this: I prayed today (before notecard arriving) of a way to pay off my credit card. I have been agonizing over this bill, and worried how I would pay it this month. I logged in today to pay the minimum (due tomorrow), and took a gander at the transaction log. I guess those finance charges hit me square in the face, but I said, "Lord, I gotta pay this off -- it is going to kill me in finance charges until I do." He agreed, and the lo and behold, a job arrives in the mail with the potential for bringing me what I need to pay off that bill.
Furthermore, my DH shared with me his concern over our bills, and his inability to pay them. This has been a long standing issue with me, and I know he has really struggled the past months with me not working at all. He has never considered getting a second job before, and he told me that he had applied online for an evening position at one of the local stores in the area. I was shocked and dumbfounded that he actually did it. I was also pleasantly surprised and so very pleased.
It seems that one little move, one little innocent move like applying at Target, has loosed the chain, and made escape possible for me, and my family. I am estatic about this turn of events -- even though we don't have any confirmation on jobs or anything like that. It is simply that a shift in mindset, a change in willingness, and boom -- things are rolling free and fancy!
Thank you for your marvelous work in my life. Thank you for what you have done for me, and what you are doing ahead of me. I am following you, hard after you, and am trusting that not only your will is coming to pass; but that all your plans for my life are as well. You are so GOOD TO ME AND YOUR THOUGHTS AND PLANS ABOUT ME ARE GOOD AS WELL. YOU ARE SO GOOD TO ME.