July 20, 2010

Feeling Down Today

Today has been a really difficult day for me. It started out blah, and has proceeded to continue into blah-blah. Have you ever had one of those days? I don't usually have them, well at the least, not for a very long time now. Most every day has turned out to be a pretty good one, even since my life took a quick turn into "crash and burn" land. I mean it, I really mean it. Even when my life was at it's bleakest moment, and I felt very alone and sad -- I still was pretty content and happy. I am not discontented by any means, I am just sort of sad today, sort of blue.

I think it is that time of the month for me, and it is pretty natural for me to feel a bit off, but I feel really blue, really sad, really depressed. I am trying to figure out why or sense what may have changed, but I am clueless. I don't know if I have done something or if it is just regret sinking in or if I am fully accepting of the truth in my life. I think it is the latter; I really THINK it has to do with reality settling in hard, and even though I have been dealing with it for the last year or so, this time it is just different. This is the "hard reality," the it is not going to ever change kind of reality; and, while I knew it was coming, I just didn't think it would come today.

Really, is there a better day for reality to show up? No, I don't think so. It comes when it comes, and that is just the long-and-the-short of it. I may not like it, and I may not want to deal with it; but it is here to stay and that is just it.

My day started out pretty icky simply because our Internet and TV were shut off. This happened last evening, and there was nothing to be done about it. I knew it was coming, and didn't really think too much of it. When it went "click" last night, it was business as usual. I mean, this is not the first time our service was disconnected. However, this time, it was different. This time the problem fell on me, and not my DH. You see, in years past, he has paid all the bills for our family. He always paid them late, rarely on time at any point in the past 26 years of marriage. I accepted this as "being what it was" and just lived with it. This month, and last really (to backtrack), he has just said to me "the cable is going to be turned off," as if to let me know he had no plans of doing anything more about it. This time, though, he said: "The cable is going to be turned off. The water and electricity are also over due." Ok, so what did he expect me to do about these bills -- afterall, I am not working.

I had already factored in that I would probably have to pay the water bill, and that was doable with my little income/gift from my Uncle. There was no way I could swing everything, and he knows it. He just let it land in my lap, and walked off. So I prayed over it, and got up this morning and paid the bill. I have my car insurance to pay as well (by Saturday) so I really didn't want to have to pay this bill too. But I am in the middle of doing an Internet job for a former client, and should be paid this week. I need Internet to complete the work. The Lord steadied me and gave me the heads up to pay the bill. I did it, the Internet came back on, and I worked all day on my client's job.

My DH left this morning and has not returned. As far as he knows, there is no Internet here at the house. Moreover, last night, he pretty much bullied me by telling me to do some things. I guess I always just took it, never arguing back or anything; but last night, I sat there in silence and just looked at him. I didn't say anything, but I was thinking it. I was thinking to myself: "What in the world is wrong with this picture?" First, he walks into the room and turns the TV all the way away from my chair, and when I sit there and stare at him, he says, "Oh, were you going to watch something at 7?" I am thinking, "well, hellow there -- I WAS WATCHING SOMETHING NOW." I didn't say anything, I let it drop, but I was absolutely stunned by his total lack of respect for me. There were other things later in the evening, and when I went to bed, I really thought to myself "How has all this happened?"

The good news is that I have Internet now. The better news is that I took all our bills and loaded them into eBills (online bills) and BillPay through my bank. I am trusting the Lord to provide me with a job beginning the first of August and then I will pay the bills. I will see that they are paid on time. What my DH will do is not up to me, that is of the Lord's doing. I just know this: "This situation has become intolerable for me and my son, and we need the Lord to move him out now."

I am also concerned that my DH is either gambling his money away or he is squandering it on women. I just know that what he has made in the months prior should have been enough to cover our home and bills. He hasn't been paying the bills for several months now because the amount owed is 2-3 months worth. This makes it tough for me to cover them, but I know that the Lord is faithful, and He will provide for me.

Dear Lord,

You know that I am trusting you, leaning on you, and waiting on you to bring me a job. I ask in Jesus' Name for a job to come today, some notice of full-time work so that I can take over all the month's needs and not have to rely on my husband at all. I also ask that you find a place for him to move into so that we can begin to live our lives separately. I am ready to file the necessary papers, and I am committed to doing what I must. I ask for the Grace to do this now, and Praise you for your abundant provision. In Your Name I ask these things. Amen.

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