I am hoping that today will be a better day than the previous two. I woke up at 5:30 (my usual time) after being attacked ruthlessly by my kitten, Ike. My big boys, Gus and Winston, took turns jumping from the bed to dresser and back about three times before I lurched out of the bed. The little guy is annoying; the big boys dangerous. They pound when they land, and typically some part of my anatomy is under their feet. They have figured out how to get me out of bed. I think they secretly laugh at Ike as he chases my feet and hands, bites my toes, and tries really hard to wake me up. After about 20 minutes they both look at each other and say "Ready, set, go! Let' show him how you really get Mom out of bed!" Jump, pound, me screaming, and then finally up. They win every single morning. Of course, I can close the door to the bedroom -- but what fun would that be?
So my day is off to a start and I have already tweeted (if you are new to this social networking stuff, that just means I am using Twitter.com now). It is something you can do from your mobile phone and it will post to your blog and such. I am also LinkedIN, hoping someone might see my profile and hire me for a full-time job. I am doing more Face Booking now, also trying to get noticed. I am not a big networking person, preferring to be quite and left alone -- but this is the 10's and everyone is into it. I figured I had better too. LOL!
My day looks full at the start, but I don't know what will be later on. I am not sure if I am having coffee with my friend, Karen, or not. I can never remember her schedule (she is a nurse), but I think we said Thursday of this week. I will be ready -- who can turn down fresh bagels and coffee? Not me.
On the home front, somethings have changed. My DH is seriously looking and applying for a place to live. This news is not really news, after all, I did ask him to leave last December when I found certain items of clothing not belonging to him or me in the house. I then repeated my request in March when I found coorespondence with another female person, again not me or anyone I know in the family (and also not the type you'd want to find your husband sending). It has been a very long time since then, and he has looked at apartments and such on and off since. However, he has not made any move to move, kwim? I have not pushed it because I was not able to work yet. Now that I am closer to a job, I think he is thinking it is time.
This was the root cause of my sadness the other day, and also why I was depressed yesterday. I have been wanting this day to come, but when it finally came (or the realization that it was now coming to pass), it caused great sadness in my heart and soul. I say it this way because truthfully, I don't want to remain married to my husband anymore. I know that sounds awful and so un-Christian like but it is the truth. I gave up on our marriage back in August when I found out he had made a soul-tie with his former girlfriend, and professed his unending love for her. Moreover, when he refused to forsake her for me, for our son, and for our life together, I knew then that we were going to have to push a boulder up a mountain to try and resolve our marriage crisis. As the weeks wore on and I went through grief/crisis counseling, the truth became more evident and I witness his unwillingness to stop relationships with other women. And, over the course of almost one full year, he has done nothing to stop seeking female friendship. So we live together, but he is actively seeking other women -- from just looking at them in person (staring them down) to the internet, to online dating, to Face Book and other internet avenues, to actually engaging in sex chat, etc.
He has no desire to return to me, and made that clear back when this all came out in the open. He blames me for not giving him a chance, and I blame him for not even showing me he cares. My POV is this: if you want to remain married, stop doing what you are doing and get help. His POV is: you said you would never love me again, take me back, so why should I even try to do anything different. It is illogical, I know, and that is what makes this whole situation so difficult for me. I drew a hard consequence line in the sand -- I issued the ultimatum: "get help, stop seeing other women, and we could work things out." He did go for help, but said it didn't have any impact on him; he didn't stop seeing women. In my view, he met neither condition because if you go to one doctor and he doesn't help you -- you don't just stop. You seek another until you find the help you need. No, he did it to show his folks he was doing something. In his heart, he wasn't interested in changing his behavior because he never did the one thing that mattered most: put me and his family first in his life (after God, of course).
The sadness in my heart is there because I see this not so much as him moving out on us, but rather as him choosing to turn fully away from God. He still comes to church with us, but once he leaves -- will he go? I don't think so. He sits, he listens to the message, he takes communion -- but is God's Word working on his heart? I am sure it is, and perhaps that is what is going on here. It is conviction of the Holy Spirit, and the only answer is to turn or run away. I think he has chosen to run away from his life choices, and that makes me very, very sad.
I see the truth all around me, and it makes me sad. I wish to say that I wanted my marriage restored, but I can honestly say that I would rather go it alone from now on. However, I don't want to see my husband lost for eternity. I don't want to see him choose this path, and that is clearly what he is doing now. I pray for him, and ask for your will to be done in his life. You are God, and you are able to do all things -- I trust you with him and with his heart and his mind. May your will be done, so be it, Amen.