July 8, 2010

My Part in All Of This

I have just finished making dinner (um...Meatloaf, mash potatoes, corn, salad -- good stuff, Maynard!) I am sitting back at the computer because my son and DH are watching DC's "River Monsters," and I just don't want to see the kinds of killer fish that live in the rivers they explore (I am deathly afraid of fish -- go ahead and laugh, it is truth!) Besides, I wanted to blog some more, and I am enjoying the quiet out here in our office.

I have just applied for two positions with Go Daddy, Inc. Go Daddy, is probably the largest Internet Registrar now, and they are based here in Scottsdale, AZ. I have not wanted to apply to this company, simply because I don't really care for their ad campaign (a bit racy -- no pun intended). But, as time is wearing on, I am running out of options, and they are hiring right now.

My piano teacher (cello teacher for me; piano for my son) told me about several of her student's parents who have been out of work for nearly a year. One is having to relocate out of state to find work. The work situation here in Phoenix is desparate, and I am realizing that my single-minded focus on getting into higher education is not panning out. I know for certain that it is next to impossible to get into the Maricopa Community College District (been told so by current employees and faculty). I have also tried my hand at Arizona State University, which would be my preferred venue, but they are a state school, and our state is nearly bankrupt. They are hiring, posting new jobs almost weekly, but none of these have come to pass either. Lastly, I have applied through a private education company, and have found out that one of the four positions I applied for was already filled (the two others were filled without notice; the fourth is still open). I have sought to move out of state as well, but nothing has happened towards that option.

My son applied at Target last week, and I am tempted to just apply there as well. It is really not my preferred work place, but would do. I feel that I am now at the point where ANY JOB is better than no job.

As I sit here at the computer, this thought runs through my head. Over the last nine-ten months my life has taken a complete turn upside down. I have found myself unemployed, and facing divorce. I never intended for either to happen, though I wanted to move from website design to another type of job for a long time (about 3 years). I just didn't expect to be out of work for so long.

I have thanked the Lord for His timing in everything, especially in giving me such a long time to process all this change. Many people who go through divorce often have it thrust on them, and they do not have the luxury of not working and staying at home. They have to work, to care for the family, AND deal with all the emotional upheaval of losing their wife or husband. God saw to it that I had plenty of time to process all the change, to deal with it, and accept it. In essence, what I saw as His slowness in responding to my need, was actually His Perfect Hand measuring out exactly what I needed, when I needed it most. He is SO GOOD TO ME in that way, always knowing exactly what I need.

For my part, I was thrust into total unexpectancy, and asked to deal with upheaval. In doing so, I had to not only deal with the emotional backlash, especially the repressed emotions; but I also had to come clean with my part in the entire story. I had to accept responsibility for my attitude, my behavior, and my lack (at times) of taking responsibility for what was going on in my "joined/united" life (aka, married life). Yes, I am to blame for failing to stand up for what was right, for not recognizing the signs (clearly evident), and not forcing the issue of counseling (when offered time and time again). I chose to be ignorant of the truth, all the while saying to myself, "I don't want to see this; I don't want to believe this is happening." Yes, I stuck my head in the sand and pretended not to see what was what.

Moreover, my failure also has to do with my immaturity as a person. I never grew up, I never took responsibility for myself; let alone anyone else. I did my best, don't get me wrong; but, I failed miserably at being a grown up woman. I had a voice, yet I didn't use it. I had a family support system that I could have easily gone to and they would have stepped right in. I had a great church with excellent counselors -- all for free -- and willing to help us out. I could have worked to stave off the financial choices of my husband. I could have said no to shady business deals, and not allowed my credit to be ruined. I could go on, but suffice it to say: this is all of my hand.

Now, that I am ready to work, and actively seeking it; it is vitally important that I don't do things as I have in the past. Just because I have acknowledged the truth, accepted it, and moved on -- doesn't mean that habits and patterns, the old way of doing things, won't pop back up. I am determined to handle my finances well. I am determined to be cautious and careful. I am determined to act responsibly with whatever God brings to me. I am committed to living His way, and doing things His way. This is my pledge, this is my covenant with God: to seek justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with Him. In doing so, this means that I recognize that above all things, He Exists. He predates and preexists all things. He is all and all and there is nothing that is not part of Him. He holds it all together, and as such, we are part of His mighty program. No glory comes to me that He has not first authorized and ordained. I am determined to reflect that glory right back up to Him -- for only He is worthy to receive it.

My praise today is in this: I know I am loved. I know I am saved, and I know that His thoughts towards me are so very Good.

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