August 6, 2010

Considering What's Next for Me

I am still waiting for UPS to deliver my package. I did check their website, and the package is out for delivery. This typically means it should arrive between 3-4 p.m. today. It can take up to close of business or 7 p.m., which I hope will not be the case.

I am home alone, just me and the cats, so I have been catching up on some home school/computer work. As I think about what might be, I am having a hard time dealing with this outcome, and with going back to being Carol Buel. It would be easiest for there to be no marriage record at all, and in the end, would simplify matters greatly. If there is a record, well, then I have to go through the courts, and would return to my maiden name once the divorce is settled. The issue I am struggling with now is what to do with my Internet presence. I am pretty well-known on the Internet and through home school circles, and my website is well-visited. Most people know me as Carol Hepburn. If I change my name now, then I have to begin to change it everywhere. This could be a big job -- an almost insurmountable job.

I went over to my website today, and I was thinking I could easily edit my name and that would be it, but then I started reading the pages and had to confess that almost every one needed to be rewritten. I have about 200 pages on my home school/family website, and they all reference me or my family in some way or another. Ugh! It would be easier to just make a new site, but frankly, I have little interest in doing that now (with my son already graduated from home school and all). Oh well...more things to ponder, and I do have a lot of time to consider the options.


I found this picture of me, taken back in college, in some old file cabinets. I thought I would post it here. It reminded me today of what my life was like prior to marriage (or what I thought was marriage). I remember sitting on the grass outside the baseball fields. I was studying and this guy walked up to me and asked me if he could take my picture. He was studying photography at my school, and had to take random photos of people. He gave me this copy after he developed it in class.

I gave it to my husband some 28 years ago. I guess he kept it.

I think it is funny to look at -- for one, get a load of those big eye glasses and the Pooka shells! LOL!! I was actually pretty fashionable back in 1982. I haven't really changed that much, except to have gained/lost some weight, hair color is the same (short/long/short and now long again), and better glasses. Other than that, I look pretty much the same.

Thinking back on my life and the plans I had back then (what plans?) I had none, really. I was unsure of what I was supposed to do for a career. I didn't really even know what I wanted to study except for a passing fancy in Art, and even then I was generally a snoozer when it came to getting good grades. I pretty much just limped on through school and life, never really knowing anything much at all. My son says the same thing, and it hurts my heart. He is so much like me, so much in so many ways. I feel his pain, I really do. I remember feeling left out, I remember not knowing anything or being able to say for sure what I wanted to do in life. I just did what I wanted, and for the most part, my parents were OK with it. They never really even pressured me to choose a career, they just told me to study something I would like. I did, I picked art.

Later on, I got confused. I got pressured into getting a job, and then meeting my husband, turned me all around. I was very naive back then, really naive. I was so sheltered, and left to be my own person, so I wasn't very wise to the ways of the world or to how boys picked up on girls. I should have stayed home, kwim? But, then my son reminds me -- "Mom, I am so glad that after nine years of marriage, you had me!" Amen, Amen, Amen. I am too, my precious son!

Well, sitting here is making me hungry. I already ate a sandwich, but now I am hungry again. I am bored, and wish UPS would come. I could still make it over to the Music Instrument Museum if they came now. "Please, Mr. UPS Man -- come now?"

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