August 15, 2010

The Day After

I passed a very restless night. I must have woken up several times, fell back down hard, and then finally got up around 5 a.m. to feed the cats (who were crying at my door to get in). I then went back to bed, and got up at 8:00 to start my morning routine. I feel lousy, that is the easiest way to say it --just lousy. My feet are swollen (ok, so no more mules for me on work days), and they hurt whenever I take a step. My legs ache, as does my back, and I am suffering with some indigestion. What in the world is going on with me today?

I know that working at Macy's is stressful, and it is physically hard on my body. I got that one straight off after my first full day shift. I have survived working there, even survived being verbally attacked by a customer (and who says "the customer is always right?" Not me!) I am getting tired and very cranky over this job. I was so very excited to be working -- finally -- after many months; but now all I can think about is staying at home. Oh, how I miss my old life! (Great Big Sigh!)

There are things I don't miss, of course; but there are things that really matter to me -- and these I am greatly lamenting. The Lord knows how hard it is for me to change. I have been optimistic throughout this entire ordeal, taking stray comments (and not very nice ones) in stride, keeping my chin up -- all because I believed Him, and I trusted in His Word to me. I believed the promise -- His promise to me that better days were ahead, that a new life was waiting for me right around the corner. I tried to 'keep on keeping on' as they say it; but after such a long time, I did exactly what Sarah did in the Bible -- I looked to my own way. I thought that perhaps God needed my help to make His promise come to pass, so I devised my own plans. They were good plans, everyone thought so, and they were "similar" to His. The problem was that they were not His Plans at all, but mine. I have been sitting here now, thinking this whole mess through for about a week, and trying to figure out how I got here, and why things are not working out as I thought they would. I certainly understand the nature of retail business. I understand how things work in that venue. I just "assumed" that everything I did would turn up smelling like a rose, kwim? Instead, I am stuck with smelling onions! Pewh!

Help me, Lord?! Please help me to know where I got off your path, and how to turn myself around. I only want what you want, and I thought this was it. It obviously is not it, unless you have some other mighty plan (things are not always as they seem with God), and I need to wait this one out? Please Lord, forgive me for running out ahead of you. Change my plans into your plans -- No -- I surrender my plans and take up yours because only your plans will succeed and bring true peace and happiness (ease of heart and mind). Thank you, Jesus for your sweet provision, and now I ask that you help me do whatever I must to get myself out of here, and back to where you want me to be. In Your Name I pray, Amen.

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