August 4, 2010

A Difficult Day

Yesterday was an incredibly difficult. First off, I sent away for my marriage certificate, and was required to get a notary to verify my identity. This is something California requires now (I had to do it for my son's birth certificate as well). Then I headed over to the SSI office to deal with my SSI Card. My card still has my maiden name, and I was flagged via e-Verify that there was a mismatch during my hiring at Macy's. The process to get my name changed and a new card varies, so for now, I have to wait to see what California sends back to me. If they send me the certificate, then I can get a new card and be formally hired. If they send back "no record" which I have this awful feeling might be the case, well then, I am stuck mighty good. I will explain later, once the record arrives (perhaps on Friday).

After spending a nice evening with my parents and visiting with my brother's family (in town on vacation), I came home exhausted. The weather has been very hot and humid, with no storms to cool us off. On top of that, I have woken up each am with a sinus pressure headache. Once again, this morning, I have the headache and my arm still hurts (from a few days ag0). I feel awful, and it is only Thursday.

I was supposed to have my cello lesson today, but cancelled it so that we could spend the day with my brother and family. I am not sure what we will actually do, but it will be nice just to get out of the house and visit some more with them. My niece, and two nephews are here with their girlfriend/boyfriend (a little weird, but oh well!) and I haven't really seen them in so long. The oldest niece is 26 and lives/works in Cedar Falls, Iowa at NIU. My oldest nephew is 21 (soon to be 22) and works for Apple at one of the local stores in Simi Valley, CA. My other niece is 20 and just graduated with her AA degree. She is thinking of attending beauty school since that is something she really loves to do. The youngest nephew is one year older than my son. He will be a Senior in high school, and is a football player. He is such a big guy, which is so funny because he was a preemie and always very small (short) growing up. Now he towers over us, and LOOKS like a linebacker! LOL!

My son is enjoying himself, which is so nice to see. He is struggling right now with identity issues, and with dealing with his emotions. It is difficult for him to comes to terms with his Dad's behavior and attitude, and he is struggling to respect his Dad. Our home is becoming a battle zone, as my son finds it impossible to do anything right, and his Dad seems always bent on attempting to subdue him with authority. I stand by and watch, I run interference, but it only antagonizes my husband more and more. It is becoming impossible for us to remain under the same roof, and I think we all know it now.

My DH is planning on moving out, I just don't know when. He has not said anything to us, and perhaps he thinks we will just leave. That was my original plan, my original hope before my job search took me over nine months to find any good work. I had hoped to get hired to a full-time position that would pay income to cover rent and utitities, and basic needs. This didn't happen, and now I have a PT position, with a pretty good chance for FT work through December. I will not make enough to do this on my own, so I am not sure what to do now.

In the interim, my DH is dating. He has had internet dates before, and probably some physical dates that I have not known about. He went on a date yesterday, acting as if it is OK with me. He didn't tell me, he just left stuff laying around so that I would see it. I tells these other women that our marriage is over, that he is done with us, and that he is moving on. Yet, he lives with us, relies on me for food and medicine, and generally is not moving out of our home. Moreover, he says that we are amicable, not angry or bitter towards one another, and that it is "just what it is."

I want to scream at times. I mean, YES, it is over; but, not because I wanted it that way, and not because we just "grew apart." NO, he walked out on us, began having intimate affairs on the internet, and now in person. I am the one who has stayed at home, cared for our son, and prayed daily for God's hand to fix this situation. I am the one who has gone through intensive counseling, I am the one regularly meeting with Christian mentors for strength and prayer, and I am the one who has been faithful all along. I have not willingly gone along with his plans or with his idea of that our marriage is "complete" as he puts it. No, that is all of his own making, it is all of his own imagination, and of his own deceived mind.

How do I explain this to our son? How do I even attempt to explain this to people I know? It is an impossible situation with a bleak and dire outcome. Yet, this morning, I give Praise to the One who Created me, to the One who Loved me and Saved me, and to the One who is MORE THAN ABLE TO HANDLE ANYTHING THAT CONCERNS ME THIS DAY. He alone is able to rescue me, to restore my life, and to give me a future filled with hope. He alone is God and it is in His Mighty, Magnificient, and Merciful Name that I give Praise and Glory and Exultation. To God Alone be the Glory, Amen.

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