August 4, 2010

Difficult Night with More Tossing and Turning

My son got home at 11:35 last evening, an hour and half after he said he would. He didn't call, he didn't even apologize, and both his dad and I are very upset. This is the first time he has done this to us, but not the first time we have seen this attitude. It is something we have been noticing and trying to correct, but I guess now we have a really BIG reason to deal with it. Sigh! The perils of raising a teenager! Ugh!

I finally drifted off to sleep at about 1 a.m. My mind was swirling and I was praying for my son, as well as asking the Lord what I needed to do about it. My husband is fed up, and has been for a long time; but, this is personal to him. There is some lingering resentment on both sides -- my son's anger at his dad for leaving us, and my husband's anger at my son for disrespecting him. It goes both ways, but with men, often they cannot see the "forest through the trees" to realize their part in all of if. Sigh! There was a reason God created woman -- she was necessary to keep the men in her family from killing one another! LOL!!

I pretty much tossed and turned all night, really wrestling with this whole subject, and trying to figure out why my son has chosen now to ramp up his rebellion. Perhaps it is just as it is -- simply hormones and the teen years and there is no rhyme or reason to it. I remember being a teen, and often, I couldn't explain my behavior either. I acted on instinct, and often with poor judgment, doing things I would never do today. I often did them, regretted them, but never could offer any decent explanation for why I did them in the first place. I just remember feeling angry or hurt or sad, and allowing my emotions to rule my head more than I should have done so. I don't know if boys are the same way, but girls often do this, and girls often are such pains in the neck to their parents (those awful hormones!)

I woke up this morning after having a very disturbing dream. It was prophetic in the sense that it had to do with two things: working/serving the Lord, and the interpretation of Scripture. I often have these kinds of dreams where I am in a situation and I have to confront people who are blatantly going against the Word of God. I always see myself as an observer, someone who is watching and carefully studying the situation. Then something happens that just sets me off, and I get very upset when God's Word is being treated so carelessly. This was the same kind of dream, and it bothered me greatly, so much so that after I woke up and started moving, my mind couldn't let go of the story. I just was to the point of crying over it, thinking that the dream upset me so much, and that I didn't want to think those thoughts -- not today, anyhow.

My dream was about me being involved in an International foundation, some ministry that had to do with Doctors providing care to people in need. I was hired as an assistant, and I was working along side a Doctor who was the principal supervisor. There were other men who were founding members, I think they were the money part, and stayed behind the day-to-day operations. I recall my Sr. Pastor being involved, but then he is now the President of Phoenix Seminary, and it wouldn't be odd to have him be involved at some level. He often lends his name to programs that deal with our area of the valley. I don't think he was directly involved, it was more of an assocation of sorts, and he probably represented an individual of high worth and standing moreso than his actual person (meaning that his name and likeness in my dream were simply symbolic and not literal -- I hope that makes sense. I don't want to cast any shadow on his integrity for he is a man of great honor.)

I was in my dream and working with this particular man. He seemed nice enough and seemed to be genuinely interested in getting this foundation up and running. My job, it seemed, was to assist him with office duties, admin stuff, etc. He and I seemed to get along OK. Then the dream shifted and more people became involved. Another Dcotor was brought on and he and I didn't get along at all. He was antagonistic towards me, so I watched him carefully. It seemed that nothing I did was good enough, that I was always saying the wrong thing, though in my dream I rarely said anything -- I was more of a watcher. Then another Doctor came on, this time a woman. She seemed nice, but had some issues (medical). Then another person also came on, another woman. So at the crisis point of my dream there were six of us: two male doctors, two female doctors, another man, and me.

This is when the dream went all wonky on me. I was feeling uneasy. We were at some meeting and heading back to the offices, and I was without my car. Not unusual, perhaps we carpooled to get there. I recall saying good bye to a group of doctors, telling them how nice it was to meet them. Next thing, we were back at the office, and the one doctor was there (the one who didn't like me). The other doctor said he was going on an appointment and I was to stay behind. He said he didn't need me there. I asked for a ride home, but for some reason they didn't want to take me. I called my Mom to ask her to pick me up. Then I saw something that bothered me. I saw behavior that was clearly outside the Word of God. I saw these two men dressed up in ways that were inappropriate, parading around and making fun. I pointed this out, and said that it was in contrast to the Word, and I felt it was not right to be doing it. The three other people left the room, and I found myself face to face with the man who didn't like me. He began accusing me of taking the Word literally, and of not being under Grace. I shouted back at him Romans -- those passages where Paul speaks about not using Grace as a liberty (Should we continue in sin so grace abounds? May it never be!) I ended up walking out, but I couldn't find my purse. As I left the building the one doctor was laying on the floor. She was pregnant and crying. I tried to comfort her with the Word of God, and she cried all the more. I recall her saying something to me that God always seems to speak to women moreso then men, though I know that is not really true. I think she meant that women read more into the Word, personally speaking, then men do. Women take the correction right away, they see the way Scripture convicts their lives, and they take it personally (like no matter that the Word was written 3000 years ago -- I see myself in it every day).

As I left this place, I was upset. I don't recall anyone picking me up, and I was thinking I had no way to call my Mom to tell her where to get me. I was lost, hopelessly lost, and now without a job. Then I woke up, just like that, I woke up. The dream had no resolution whatsoever, and I was left feeling like a loser, someone who had testified to what I considered an affront to Scripture, yet lost the battle. I was depressed and sad and feeling dejected.

I came out to the office with my coffee in hand, and sat down at my computer. I checked my emails, and received one from Follett Software. I have applied to Follett Corporation several times. They are a major supplier of textbooks for colleges and Universities. They had some good positions that would have been wonderful opportunities for me to work within education, yet still be in a corporate setting. I have only received one notification back from them that I wasn't considered for the position. Today, I got a second, but it was from a different organization. At the least, this organization seemed genuinely interested in me, but said the position had been filled prior to receiving my application. They urged me to apply to their other division, which was hiring Software people. I thought that was curious, but very nice. It was a testimony that someone finally noticed my resume and my experience and was suggesting an alternate path to employment.

So here I am, sitting and stewing about my son's behavior last evening, concerned over this SSI business, and having difficult dreams to boot. I am a mess right now. I want to Praise God, but my praise is weak and ineffective. I am victorious in Jesus Christ, but I don't feel very victorious today.

Dear Lord,

I passed an incredibly difficult night, and now I am feeling so down about it. I don't think I have had a dream that affected me like this--ever. I am upset still, and it was just a dream. I don't know what to do about my son, and I am worried about all this business with the SSI. Plus I have family in town, and my mother expects me to be in "visit mode" now. I don't feel like it, my burdens are heavy today, and while I am happy to see my family; frankly, I really don't care about that as much as I do this unsettling feeling inside of me. I ask for the Grace to accept whatever truth I need to accept, and then the strength to do whatever you ask of me this day. I am yours, and I belong to you. I follow you, and not anyone else. I stand on your Word, and I don't back down. I trust you, believe in you, and worship you this day. Though my Praise is weak, I pray that it will be magnified so that you receive all Glory this day. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.

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