August 6, 2010

Expecting Delivery Today

I just got a call from UPS telling me that my vital statistics order is set for delivery today. I had thought this might be the case, but wasn't sure how quickly Santa Clara County, CA would return my order. In the case of my son's birth record, they did it within 2 days, which is HUGE in my estimation. I assumed as much with my certificate, but didn't know if I was just lucky -- you know -- got them on a good day and all. Santa Clara County is a very large county in Northern California, and their county system is, well, pretty much like ours here in Arizona -- a nightmare. All is well, though, and my record is set to arrive sometime today (hopefully this morning). Once it arrives, then the wait is over, and I will know what needs to be done.

I have a difficult journey ahead of me. I accepted the fact that my husband and I would be divorced earlier this year. This had come after realizing that he had no interest in changing his behavior, and wasn't taking our marriage crisis seriously. He continued to see other women, even though he was in counseling, and never once offered to even place our marriage as a priority. His reason for seeing a counselor was to have someone tell him "no;" but, in the end the counselor told him that he could do whatever he wanted to do because, after all, he was bound to do that anyway. He took that as a "yes" and has since followed that path.

My counseling was all about my healing and restoration after a serious breach of trust, and the ultimate betrayal of my husband. I worked through the details, and learned how to be my own person again. God used my counselor to deliver me, and to establish me as a whole being. I came out of those sessions with my self-esteem intact, my mind solidly fixed on the Word of God, and my hope securely placed at the feet of Jesus Christ.

Now, I am living through the nightmare of a marriage that has died, but has not been buried. We still live in the same home, but there is nothing between us -- rarely even a word is spoken. It is silence, just like the grave, yet the body has not been put under the ground. It stinks -- literally -- just like rotting flesh would stink. The grave is there, open, and the body is ready to be buried -- but no one has lowered it down into the earth. Why is this?

I think partly it is because my husband has not left our home. He lives as though he has, but he still returns here to sleep, to eat, to work, etc. He still chooses our home without choosing us. It is a freakish nightmare to be in, and I am ready for it to end. My son and I are disgusted, we are tired of this behavior, and we want to begin our lives over -- to have a fresh start. Unfortunately, I cannot just leave our home. I don't have the money needed to leave, and I don't see the possibility of that happening in a very long time (Lord willing or perhaps someone will die and leave me some money? Yeah, right!)

So we sit, we stir, and we live out our days in this quasi-normal life. I know it bothers him as well as I have seen correspondence with other women of that sort. He wants out or so he says. He wants it over too. Even though he holds the ball in his hands, he refuses to shoot at the basket. I have already asked him to leave twice. He balked both times asking me, "why do I have to be the one to leave?;" which I think smacks us right in the face. Basically, he wants us to leave him. He wants us out of the home -- he wants to make his former wife and his own child to be homeless.

So here I sit waiting for UPS to deliver my package. It might contain an actual marriage record in which case I will be able to update my social security card and then file divorce papers. However, the updated card will simply clear my working at Macy's. I cannot file papers with both of us living under the same roof. Hence, why we are still living together. If the record comes back null, then I have another choice to make. The 'no record' will tell me that I have never been married legally, and therefore, there is no divorce to pursue. It will also give me leverage on the "you must go now" part. Will he actually go? I do not know.

Either way, I am forced to walk this part of the journey alone. The Lord is with me, for certain; but, I am all alone on this part. I have to do the difficult part, once again, and I am getting worn down. I was the one who confronted the infidelity and adultery, I was the one who said "no", and I was the one who said "enough." The turmoil of the past year is coming to a close -- I can feel it. I have asked the Lord for closure, to bring this to an end, and He has told me "soon, very soon." You know with the Lord, however, that soon means something completely different in His time and space. I have waited a very long time for this to be over, and I see the horizon.

The last part of the journey, I think, is more difficult than the first. The first part was completely ensconced in sorrow, depression -- emotional pain. The middle part was numbness, the feeling you get after the initial shock wears off. The last part is raw determination. It is picking up your boots, hiking up your pants for one more hill, and saying with most gritted teeth, "Okay, now c'mon -- I can do this." And, then you do it. You hike that hill. You take the last turn in the path. You see home on the horizon and you know you made it through.

I am at this point in the journey, and it is up to me to grit my teeth and head on home. The Lord has paradise waiting for me (literally and figuratively), and I can see it on the horizon. There is Goodness in the land, there is the Promise of reward. I am heading home, and my Loving Savior is there already, waiting for me to arrive. He has been with me all along the way, He has walked with me, encouraged me, and taught me. But, now He is there waiting -- with outstretched arms -- to receive me into His Loving embrace. I am so ready for the rest that will come. I am so ready to be enfolded in His arms today. Let this be as your will desires, O Lord. Let this be as your plan dictates. I will let it be today, Lord. I will let it be.

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