August 17, 2010

Feelling So Old

Oh my goodness -- I feel so old this morning! After working what I thought would be an easy-peasy shift at Macy's yesterday, I came home, ate some dinner, and laid down on the bed for a nap. I woke up at 11:00 p.m., in agony (back and feet), and then fell back to sleep until this morning. My back and feet still ache, and my heart is so sad. I cannot tell you how bad I really feel -- just take it on my word -- I feel awful.

I am hoping my regular cup of coffee will help, and in a little while, I will make some breakfast. I got a new toaster (Thanks, Mom!) and I think I will toast up a bagel. Bagels and cream cheese plus good strong coffee should get me moving this morning. At the least -- I hope they will!

I am just a mess, a reall mess right now. My brain is so tired that I cannot even think straight. I don't remember a time when I felt this lousy. I have had experiences in the past where I worked hard (mentally) and were I would feel foggy for days on end. This is different. This is like my world, my entire world has come crashing down on me. I mean, even in the midst of discovering that my marriage was ending -- even when I was devastated and feeling so rejected -- even then, I didn't feel this way. This is 100% physical, that is all. This is my body telling me "Stop! Do not continue on, do not do this anymore." The problem is that I cannot stop right now. I am committed to work this week and the next. I don't think that is possible, really -- but I am committed to doing it just the same.

I heard via the grapevine that unless you give a two weeks notice, Macy's will blacklist you are being "Unemployable." No matter how good you were, how great a person or employee -- if you quit without notice, you will not be hired by any other firm what so ever. That is just not right, but this is what people have told me, and I would rather err on the side of caution and do my time, then have this entire working experience come to naught.

So what do I do right now? I am getting tired of blogging about finding a job, getting a job, and now needing a different job. Oh, Lord -- will the right job ever come to pass? "Yes, Dear One" He says to me. Yes, Lord -- when? "Very Soon" He says. Oh, soon -- can it be today? Perhaps it can, perhaps it can.

I am so tired of waiting for His will to come to pass. I am so tired, in general. I need help. I need a way out. I need the end of things to be -- and right now. I truthfully do not think I can go on another step. My body simply will not go on. I wish there was an easy solution to all of this, I wish there was an easy way out. But, the only way out is through the door, and down the path I am walking. I cannot go back, I cannot return to what once was because that way of life no longer exists. There is just this way, this path, this direction to walk -- and it is so hard right now.

Dear Lord,

I am at the end of my rope today. I cannot go on, and I don't know what to do. I have never experienced this type of deadness, simply feeling as though your body was unable to walk and function. Please rescue me this day, please give me a refreshing of your Spirit so that I can be renewed to continue on your path. I ask this in Jesus' Name. Amen, so be it, Thy will be done.

Update: Later this morning

It is later this morning, and I am writing a quick update to this post. After I signed off, I went in the other room and slumped down in my comfy chair. I sipped my coffee before I fell back to sleep. An hour and half went by, and the noise of the men across the street woke me up (they are repairing the gas lines in our neighborhood). I got up and opened up my new toaster. I made my comfy-food, Pop Tarts, and settled back in the office to blog. I do feel better. My feet still hurt, as does my back; but, I am more refreshed then before. I prayed to the Lord, asking for His refreshing to come upon me, and He has answered me. I could feel that deep sense of darkness and futility lift off me as I slowly fell asleep. I woke up feeling more like myself, and I am giving Him thanks and praise right now.

After I sat back down at the computer, the Lord asked me to go back and re-read one of my earlier blog posts. He does that occassionally (well, often really) with me. I write things, often with a heart of prayer, and then He will redirect me to something I wrote a while ago. Those words sometimes are still fresh; but, sometimes they are examples of prayer that has since been answered. Often, I see the way out through my own tears and confession of need. Often, He uses my heart messages to Him to help me see that He is here, that His hand has never left me, and that He is in control. I come away thinking that everything will be OK because my Lord is in charge of the details.

This is exactly what happened this morning. I was at the end of my rope, feeling so lousy; and then, the Lord reminded me that He was working behind the scenes to rearrange details. He reminded me to be patient today, to remember that He is God, and that though my feet and back do hurt -- His Grace is always sufficient for whatever task He assigns to us each day.

God is so Marvelously Good to me. I am giving Him all the Praise, all the Glory, and all the Authority to do whatever He needs to do today and every day henceforth. Soli Dei Gloria!

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