August 10, 2010

I'm Too Old for This

Have you ever told your kids that you were too old to do something? I have, many times. Usually, it involved some physical activity where my head reigned and I knew right off that my body would not survive whatever was being asked of me. Grin! The issue today is sort of the same thing, except for the fact that I am telling the Lord this instead of my son. I woke up this morning, crying out to the Lord, and saying to Him: "Lord, I am too old to work retail. I don't know if I can do this kind of work?"

I am old, that is for certain; and, I have grown comfortable being a stay at home Mom. In fact, when I was much younger, I never really wanted to work at all. I was never career minded, I was never very interested in college or anything in particular. I liked the idea of staying at home, being at home, and doing home-y type things. I am a quiet person by nature, very calm and very willing to sit and think on things. I like it when it is quiet in my house or when I can drive on some errand and be alone in the car. During these quiet times, I walk with the Lord, I sing to Him or praise Him or just have a conversation with Him. I like it this way. I don't like the craziness of a full house or a jam packed schedule. I like it when it is peaceful, and I do whatever I can to create this feeling in my home, and in my life.

I am sitting here at the computer right now and I am looking at my darling Winston. He is three now, and a big beautiful cat. He epitomizes what I like about my life. He is laying next to my computer, in his favorite stretched out position, eyes closed, and dozing. My other boys are in the kitchen/dining area doing the exact same thing. They are just being good boys, being quiet, and are showing me that they are contented and happy. Cats that sleep like this, sleep with you or near you, are saying through their body language: "I trust you. I am happy. I feel safe." Yes! This is my goal too -- this is exactly how I want to feel.

In truth, it is exactly how I do feel when I stop and thank the Lord. I trust Him, I am happy, and I feel safe. Why? Certainly not due to anything I have done; but rather, it is because of who He is and what He has done for me. He is the reason I am happy today. He is the reason I feel safe and secure. And, He is the reason I am happy (feeling joyful and contented). He is my satisfaction, my reason for living, and my confidence in the future and in His promised deliverance (eternal life). Yes, my Lord is the beginning and end of my life -- He is my everything.

Yet, I cannot help but feel the way I do today. I am old, and my body is not as youthful as it once was, and I hurt all over. My mind is dull today. I am not as sharp, as quick, as light on my feet, so to speak. I am old. I laughed yesterday because one of the other sales associates commented me on my age. I asked her how old she thought I was and she said 35. I didn't have time to tell her that I was going to be 48 this year. I guess I look better than I feel, LOL!

So what do I do? I need to work. I need a job. I am in such a predicament. My husband, for whatever reason, is not able to make the bills. I don't know if his work has slowed down or if he is saving that money to move out -- but the bills are getting so high that I cannot see anyway to cover them with the little I will bring in from my job at Macys. You see, though I am happy for this work, and it was the ONLY work available -- it simply is not enough to support me, let alone my 17 year old son. Our bills are not sky high, and we have no debt (I have one credit card, maxxed at $750). I don't need thousands of dollars to dig me out -- just a small amount will do. I simply cannot find a way to earn it -- I simply have no way out of this situation.

Thus, I must rest securely in the One who can rescue me. He knows my needs, and He knows the timing of the fulfillment of those needs. I am hopelessly dependant on Him alone to provide for me. I cannot turn a dime without His approval. I cannot see any hope or way out without Him lighting my path and showing me where to walk. I am deeply devoted to Him for everything, but now I must concentrate on following Him exactly has He leads. I cannot stray from His lighted path or else I may end up way off the mark. He knows me well, and He knows that my heart is sincere in desiring Him alone. Help me now, Lord Jesus, help me to see the way out.

I am impatient, yes this is true. I need help now, and I need to see how to figure out the plan that will not only take care of these mounting bills, but provide regular provision so this type of situation never, ever occurs again. How do I do that? How do I figure it out? I trust in the Lord with my whole heart, and well -- no, this verse says it all:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." ~Proverbs 3:5-6 ESV

I did an exposition on these verses not long ago, and this is what I remember from that study.

  • We are to trust or take confidence in the Lord (know that He is God).
  • We are not to use our own mind to figure things out
  • We are to know Him
  • And in doing so, the Lord will make our journey smooth (our path, the way we walk)

There is no promise that we will always go the right way or do the right thing, but rather the promise is that He will be with us in the journey, and that He will help to keep our ways level (upright). The idea here is that by knowing God intimately, we are walking in such a way that pleases Him. He will help us to not falter or stumble along the way, and He will be with us all the days of our life. We are not alone, we are not walking alone, even at times when it feels like it. He is here now with me, and He is here helping me to make good choices and to walk in a certain way. God alone does this for me, and He alone is the One who will show me how to resolve this crisis.

Soli dei Gloria!

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