It probably is not the best way to mark an anniversary, but it has been one year today since I found out about my husband's unorthodox friendship/devotion with his old college girlfriend. This discovery led to a myriad of other discoveries, and now one year later, we are at the point of divorcing after nearly 26 years of marriage. It has been a long, long road; and it has been fraught with difficult days of discovery. My emotional state has swung back and forth like a pendulum; and while now, I am more at ease and at peace, I still have days when I cry out to the Lord and ask Him simply: Why? Why me, Lord? Why now?
My life has changed completely. I was a stay-at-home Mom. I was a home educator. I was a PT to 3/4 time website designer who worked from home so she could remain a SAHM and home school my highly gifted son. I was also a volunteer at my church, a devoted daughter/daughter-in-law to aging parents and parents-in-law. And, most importantly, I was a wife. In the ensuing year, I have become a working single Mom. I still homeschool, but now am trying to figure out what to do with my Sr. student -- do we graduate, do we go to college or do we continue to home school for one semester or one full year? I still care for my parents and parents-in-law; but my time has been severely limited lately. I also am an advancing cellist -- taking lessons now for almost nine months. I am a graduate student, studying for a MA degree in Literature. I still help at church, but now only when I can. The one thing I am not is a wife. I am no longer anyone's wife.
As I ponder my future, of this I am certain: Many things in my life have changed, some for the better; some for the worse -- but Praise be to God -- somethings will never change. For one, I am a daughter of the King Most High; I am a servant of the Lord; and I am born-again, blood bought and wholly devoted to Jesus Christ. My faith in God has deepened and developed from a carnal type of knowledge about God to a personal/relational faith in God. I have been changed from the inside out and I am no longer functioning in any way, any shape or any form like before. I have been restored. I have been reborn. And, I have been remade in my King's image. I am His and He is mine, and I give Him all the praise this day for His Mercy and Compassion and for His Marvelous Grace. God be Praised -- Amen, amen, amen.
Now, I look only to Him for solutions to my problems. I no longer ask my husband what to do; for instead of seeking his advice or input, I must go directly to the One who is my new husband, my provider, my Kinsmen-Redeemer. My King has redeemed me as a wife. He has chosen me when my husband decided to choose another woman for his devotion. My King decided that I was worthy of His attention, and of His time, and that I needed His protection and provision. He took me in, gave me a home, provided me with food, and now has awarded me a good job. He has done all this -- simply because it is His Nature to do it -- He is So GOOD to me.
I still sorrow a lot, I still feel lonely and afraid at times. I worry and I get up in arms at times because I don't know what will be or how a bill will be paid today or tomorrow. Generally, though, I trust Him and rest in His security, knowing full well that the One in whom I trust is both FAITHFUL AND TRUE. I know that He has everything under control, that He knows what I need today, and that He has everything worked out for my good. He is Good like that, and I love Him.
As I sit here today, I lift my heart, my mind, and my soul up to Him. I desire nothing but to please and honor Him. I love Him and I focus on Him -- He is my soul's delight, and in Him there is no limited possibilities. God is the God of all possibilities -- and I love Him.