Oh my goodness...what a day! First off, I had a miserable experience yesterday -- just all around feeling lousy, bad attitude, and thoughts of condemnation. I was lower-than-low, and feeling as if nothing was going my way. I even tried to pray my way out of the darkness, and instead of feeling liberated, I just sank down lower. It wasn't until late last evening that it dawned on me -- that I figured out what was going on.
I had asked the Lord if there was anything I had done to bring on this darkness, this feeling of being confused, and this sense of just overwhelming loss. His answer was yes. I had asked Him about this same thing earlier in the day, and already was feeling like this was of my own doing. I just didn't realize exactly what I had done nor did I understand what I needed to do. I just was out of it, and was so lost, that I couldn't even cry out to Him for help.
After wallowing around in the muck at bit more, I finally gave in, and just confessed everything I could think of (I am the "clean sweep" kind of person -- just clean until you find the dirty spot). During my recitation of the litany of wrongs and offenses I had perceived doing against the Lord, I figured it all out. You see, all along the Lord has said one thing to me consistently: Trust Me. He tells me this every time I question whether something is right, or true, or potentially coming to pass. I ask Him all the time to prove to me, to show me, to tell me what is what. Normally, He does it, but for a while now He has just answered me with these two words: Trust Me.
As I cried out to Him, I actually said: "Lord, I do trust you." His reply was, "Yes, you do. But, not in the way I need you to trust Me now." Ok, so color me really confused. How can you trust someone yet not trust them? Apparently with God it is very possible. In my thinking, I was indeed trusting Him. I believed in Him, I believed what He was telling me, and I believed in the plans and promises He made to me. Where I was lacking or should I say, where my faith was lacking, was in believing that these things WOULD come to pass. I was believing that they COULD come to pass. There is a difference here -- slight -- but in my case, a huge difference. Believing that something can come to pass is like accepting the fact that there is possibility without believing that there is also reality. Believing that something will come to pass is accepting both, possibility and reality. In short, one is putting your faith into simply the possibility or the chance of said thing happening; whereas the other is putting your faith into the completed action of said thing being done.
With God, His will is done. His Word is done. His Promises are yea and amen. They are never supported by possibility, only by fact and reality. The truth is that God is true to His Word. He is true to Himself; therefore, if He says something will come to pass, it is a done deal. It is never just a potential solution -- it is always a completed one.
I was believing with half a heart, just like James says we are not to do. I was wavering, hedging my bets, and taking my chances with God. Perhaps He will; Perhaps He won't. In truth, He always will if that is what He says He will do. There is no doubt. He is; therefore He will do what He has said He will do.
So where does that leave me (did leave me last night)? Well, I rested well, and I woke up more willing to accept the truth, and then live with the consequences of my lack of faith. I have had ample opportunities for work, but I have not believed that God would do as He said. I didn't believe Him. I believed that He could bring such and such a job; but, not that He would do it. Why? I think it just comes down to habit on my part. I have lived with such disappointment, that I no longer want to risk more. I would rather believe with half-a-heart and then say, "Oh well, it wasn't meant to be" then to have to admit I trusted in the wrong person, the wrong thing, or the wrong way.
I made the decision today to stop doing this, and something miraculous occurred. After I got up and moving, the Lord had me review some of my applications -- some that were potentially sitting out there, undecided. I did this, and then I took my son to the Orthodontist for his checkup. On the way home, I checked my cell phone to see if my Mom called me (she does this often). Sure enough there was voice mail, but not from my Mom. Nope, there was a message from HR at Rio Salado College asking me if I was still interested in interviewing for a job as a Course Specialist II. I sat there stunned, and I mean really stunned. I don't even remember when I applied, perhaps it was in June? Everyone and their brother said that it was "next to impossible" to get into the Community College district. I have applied to eleven positions since last December -- none generated any call backs. I took the work at Macy's because they were the only one's to interview me.
I made the call, and I am scheduled for an interview on Monday. I cannot believe it myself, but it is true. This would be a full-time salaried position -- with benefits. It would provide enough for me and my son to live on modestly. It would also open the door for me to move into other positions within the College system. I am stunned, literally stunned.
Now, here I sit after eating lunch, and I am saying to the Lord: "Lord, please don't let me mess this one up." Yes, yes, yes -- thy will be done. I believe Thou, O Lord; I believe.