Man, I had a tough day today. I worked from 9:45-6:15 p.m. at Macy's and really hustled my little fanny off. Retail is tough work, and the pay is not comensurate with the amount of work exerted on a day basis. My feet and back ache, and my head is filled with questions and concerns. My biggest concern right now is why I feel the way I do, and I am not talking about my feet and back. Rather, I am speaking directly to a feeling I have had the past couple days where I sense that something is just not right. I wish I could put my finger on it, but I cannot. It started on Monday when I worked a full day shift. Something was off, not right, and I sensed it all day. I came home and wondered whether I was over reacting just because my feet hurt so much. I pushed those feelings aside and went to work on Wednesday thinking it was just me. But, that night, I came home feeling worse than blue, worse than sad. I just felt like I was in the wrong place. I cannot describe it, and really it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Everyone has been so friendly and nice, and while the work is hard, it is not mentally challenging. It is not "difficult" work by any means, just physically demanding. The issue though is not really the work itself, but rather the fact that I just don't feel like I belong there.
Don't get me wrong -- I know I am new, and that it might take some time before I feel comfortable working anywhere; but again, this is not really what I feel inside. It is more like I am doing a job that doesn't suit me, it just doesn't fit me well. I thought about it this way: you might try on several pairs of black pants, and while each may fit (size-wise), usually there is one pair that fit you well. This one pair just "fits" you and you look good in them. This is sort of how I feel about working at Macy's. I like the people a lot, and I am busy -- but the work doesn't fit me. It is like a pair of jeans that get you right in the you know where -- they just don't sit right on your body. It is not the jeans fault, no for certain; it is more that your body is shaped differently and the maker simply cut the jeans to fit someone else.
I am not cut out for retail work, that is all. I am not cut out for a lot of work, and that bothers me somewhat. I mean, God has given me work, and I should be grateful to do it. I have tried to be thankful (I am), and I have tried to have a good attitude. In fact, I have been told by several associates and the department manager that they "notice something about me, that I light up the area." I thank God because this is testimony to His Brightness and Goodness. My little light is shining and people are seeing it -- Praise be to God. So what should my attitude be? I am thankful and grateful and I am giving Him praise for His Goodness -- yet, my heart is not happy and light, and feeling at peace. I am simply stuck in a pair of jeans that don't sit right on me.
I have prayed about this for the past couple days, and this is what I think is the case. There is nothing wrong with Macy's, and I have been glad to have the work. However, the amount of energy exerted in comparison to my income is not equal. And, when you compare what I could earn as a website developer -- well, there is no comparison.
So what does this mean for me today? I am not sure, though I am thinking that perhaps the reason I haven't gotten a job in over nine months is because I am not supposed to work outside the home. Furthermore, perhaps the reason I have not gotten any other work is that there is only one job for me to do right now and that job is the one I have worked at for the past ten years. Perhaps, just perhaps, this is the job the Lord has in mind for me, and perhaps this is His Will in regard to my working.
I need to think some more and pray about it, but I am feeling that perhaps this is His way, His plan, and His purpose for me. Perhaps.