I sruvived another day at Macy's. Today, I spent the day working in Young Collector. This is probably the largest department in the store. It is always busy, and my 6-hour shift just zoomed by. I also open my first credit account (hooray!) I only need two accounts per week to make my goal, and I got one today. I am pleased.
I also got some news that my department manager has been promoted to a new department. He is a nice guy, and has been working very hard to accomodate my scheduling requests. The assistant manager is very sweet, so I think it will be OK; but it now begs the question: "If I felt loyalty to my manager before, should I remain loyal now?" It is not his fault -- this was a great offer made to him. And, good for him. However, I felt pressured to remain there for a time, and now am wondering if it isn't "every man/woman for themselves?" I mean, everyone else does it, so why shouldn't I?
I am contemplating what I could do in lieu of Macy's. I like the people, and the work is not difficult. It is hard to stand all day long, but other than that, it is actually OK work. There are a number of disgruntled people who work there, and that is a bummer -- but heck, isn't that the case anywhere you work? Probably so.
As I came down the escalator today, I asked the Lord what His opinion was on the matter. Really, I just asked Him if I was doing what He wanted, and whether or not, I was choosing my own way over His. His answer -- yes! You see, I have felt pressured to be responsible for my life. Now, I am not saying I shouldn't be responsible; rather, I am saying this: I am thinking I need to be responsible for things that the Lord has not clearly called me to do. I should be responsible in the sense of always doing what the Lord expects of me; but, I don't have to bear this burden alone. I have lately -- in fact -- I have since the beginning of this whole mess.
Just today, I surrendered my husband to the Lord. I literally gave over the burden that I have borne for some many years, the burden of carrying his load in addition to mine. I took on his load when he failed to take care of it on his own. I did it to protect myself from harm, and my thinking was this: if I do it, then I can be assured that nothing bad will befall me. In turn, everything bad did befall me anyway, and over the course of time, I have simply become worn out, and used up. Now that I am on my own (almost), and having to walk alone, it is imperative that I don't continue to carry his load. He must be made to be responsible for his own faults, his own failures, and the consequences of choices he has made. I am no longer his go-to person, the one who would smooth it all away, and make the matter disappear (I took over for his mother in that regard). No, I must only carry that which the Lord has given to me -- nothing more, and nothing less.
So there I was riding the escalator down and thinking to myself -- whatelse am I doing as far as bearing the burden of something not rightly mine? The answer: everything! As I drove home later, I said to the Lord: Lord, it is your responsibility to find me a job -- not mine. It is your responsibility to provide enough income for me to live on. And, it is all yours do care for us and see that your will is brought to completion. As I meditated on this fact, I felt the burden and heaviness of trying to make all this happen float away. I am not called to find myself a good job. No, that is of His hand alone. He has to carefully orchestrate these details, and frankly, I will just get myself into a mess of trouble.
So, Lord -- have at it, do your thing, and may your Name be praised forevermore!