Yesterday was a long day. I worked from open-close, and it was a struggle to last the day. My feet hurt all day long, and by the time I made it home, I could barely walk. I have two cuts on the back of one heel, and I am certain they are ruptured blisters. Ugh!
This retail gig has lost all appeal to me, but I know that I must endure it. I am getting paid -- Hallelujah! And, I know that the true value of working at Macy's will show itself very soon. There IS a reason why God opened this door to me now. There is a reason why He chose for me to work at Macy's, even if only for a very short time. I am praying that this reason reveals itself to me so that I can take hope and courage and hang in there. I know that God has more in mind for me -- at the least -- a job that requires less standing all day and one with the potential for life-earnings (enough to support me and my son).
Macy's has been nice to me, but I don't have any love there. Initially, I felt really bad about quitting after my first two weeks. I mean, I felt sorry for the managers -- in that they were losing several people all at once. Then after my third week, I think the 'grist of the meat' showed up -- you know -- the point when you bite into something and you find it undigestable? This is where I am now. I have gotten past the beginning part where I was happy to be working, happy to have a job, and happy to do anything asked of me. Now, I am at the point where all I hear is complaints (from employees), and I am receiving encouragement to "look elsewhere." OK, so I ask God and He says I must endure this for a time longer. The people I work with all seem to be saying "look someplace else, Carol." Why is this happening? I mean, shouldn't the encouragement be consistent -- shouldn't I be receiving the same testimony? I guess I am, it is just that God has determined that I must remain a while longer -- for His purpose. I doubt He is saying to me that I must stay there permanently.
It is very hard on me to continue even for one more day. I am beat, I am bushed, and I am wearing thin. And, it is just not Macy's. I got up this morning to a sink full of dirty dishes. I fed the cats at 6:00, and then cleaned their litter boxes. The thought ran through my head: "It is all up to me. No one helps me." I am off today, so what do I have to do? I have to clean house, go grocery shopping, etc. I have to work -- do house work and family work on my day off. My DH, while still living here, does nothing. He would disagree, I am sure. He would say that he pays the bills. He would say that he hired two men to come and cut our weeds down. Both are true statements. However, as far as doing "work" -- physical work around the house -- he does nothing. I fixed the leaky faucet. I will fix the broken window. I will make sure our fridge and freezer are stocked. I will make sure our son has what he needs this week, gets to all his appointments, and such. I guess maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself (I am -- woe is me -- you know!) But, there is some truth in it all.
For the past 26 years, I have done all these things and I have never asked for help. I did them AND worked too. I pretty much did everything, and rarely received a "thank you" back. I did them because I could, and I thought they were my responsibility to do so. Now, though, I am working in physically demanding work, and my older body simply cannot do as much. My body is screaming at me, and my head is telling me "it is too much for you." Yet, I endure. Yet, I continue on and I do these things. I have tried to leave them go -- let the dishes sit -- and guess what? They don't get done -- and I end up with more to do.
It is a no win situation as far as I can see it. I am stuck being the "go to person" and I am tired of it. I asked the Lord for the responsibility, I asked Him to let me be "responsible" for my life. Now, I am crying out to Him to ask Him to take it away from me. This burden is just too much for me to bear, and I cannot carry it any further.
I confess my weakness to you. I know that you are strong when I am weak, and I know that the only reason I am able to be here today is on account of your Grace. I am suffering with this load, this burden, and I cannot bear it today. I ask for your help, I ask for your strength, and I ask for your way -- to alleviate it, to remove it, to lift it off of me. I ask in Jesus' Name because I cannot do this on my own nor do I want to do it any longer. Please help me today, help me to see your way and your will. I surrender this burden to you now, and ask for your Grace to sustain me while I rest at your feet. Amen, so be it, Thy will be done. Selah!