A couple things come to mind right off the bat:
- First off, since my son was born back in 1993, I have tried to work. I have not wanted to work, this is true; but I have tried nonetheless to find extra work to help us out. Nothing I tried, worked for me. I would start a job, and then 2-3 days into it, I would get this feeling like I am in the wrong place. I would stew a bit, and then quit. Once I quit, it was like a breath of fresh air, and I would know that I was not supposed to be working.
- This scenario (above) has repeated itself over and over again for the past 17 years. My first job in AZ lasted about two months. My second job, working at my church, lasted 1.5 years. My third job lasted about one month. My fourth job, working from home, lasted over ten years (I will come back to this one in a moment). My fifth job, working at church, lasted less than 2 weeks -- but I committed to help out for about 6 months. And, then there is Macy's -- one day in, and I knew something was not right.
So there you have it. I have worked, but not consistently, and when I have been employed outside the home, it always was a poor fit for me. I often had to keep on working at the job due to demands on the business and such or because the need was great and I felt guilty for quitting on them. In each case, I got this sense that I was doing something wrong, that I was in the wrong place and time.
This week, I felt the exact same thing at Macy's. I can remember it exactly as it happened. I was riding the escalator down to my department when I said: "Lord, what is going on? Why do I feel this way. Something is just not right." Like I said before, I tend to stew over these feelings, and this time, I was no different. Throughout this entire week, I asked the Lord again and again why I felt this way, what was wrong, and if I had done something wrong (or sinned).
Today, I woke up and was so glad to be at home. Even after we came back from the Dr.s' office, I thought to myself that I was glad to be home. I asked the Lord what was up, and He asked me back: "How do you feel right now?" I said that I didn't know, that I didn't really feel anything at all -- no stress, no strain, no nothing. I just felt peaceful. He said, "Exactly!" God knows me so well, and He knows my needs; yet, I fretted and worried and didn't trust Him to provide for them WITHOUT the provision of a full-time job. Somehow in my mind I thought the only way God could provide enough material provision was for Him to bring me a full-time job OUTSIDE the home. Somehow the idea that I could continue to work from home was just not on my radar screen. Firstly, I didn't want to resume that business at all. I wanted nothing to do with it, nothing at all. Secondly, I believed that I had to have a 'career' job -- something to identify me as being a working person. Lastly, I listened to everyone except the Lord when it came to how He would provide for me.
You see, the Lord told me that "He had me covered." He kept saying that He had a job in mind for me, a good job, a job I will like and can do well. Moreover, this job would provide for me, well enough so that I would not have to worry about food or bills or expenses or repairs ever again. This job would "cover my needs" and it would work within His will for my life. This job would allow me to do all the things He had in store for me, and it would facilitate His will. I believed Him but I kept looking outside and around the corner and down the street. I looked everywhere EXCEPT right where I was and right where I am today.
I cannot really explain it other than to say that the pattern in my life, the pattern of seeking work, finding work, and then leaving that work to return home has played out over and over again. It always works out the same for me. I guess I am just supposed to stay at home and work from home.
Now, what do I say to Macy's? Gosh, I don't know, but if this is the Lord's will, and I think it is so -- then He will give me the words to say to them. God is so Good to me.