August 23, 2010

Sensing Change

I am doing Ok now -- after a really horrible morning -- and a not so good night. My feet still hurt as does my back, but I am feeling better since eating lunch (@ Wendy's) and getting my grocery shopping done. Dinner plans include a swim at my folks, so that should be refreshing and comforting to my sore body.

I prayed hard this morning, especially after falling back to sleep every hour from about 5-11 a.m. I got up, fed the boys, and then went back to bed. Instead of sleeping on through until 7, like usual, I ended getting up at 6 a.m. and then spending a little time on the computer. I had something to eat, my cup of coffee (not even finishing it), before I slumped back to bed. I slept until about 8:30, got up for short time, and then went back to bed until 11, when my Mom came to the door (she was worried because I hadn't answered my cell phone). I was miserable, crying, and feeling so completely overwhelmed by my life's circumstances. I literally fell into the living room chair, and then when she left, dragged myself to the shower to get ready for the day.

I have to work two days in a row beginning tomorrow. At Wal-Mart, I bought a pair of Earth Spirit clogs (black) that felt comfy. I am hoping that they will help me to get through these next two shifts without totally ending up on the floor writhing in pain and agony. I have to endure this week and then next (three days next week). Once that is done, I should be free to quit Macy's and I should have my answered new job. I am testing the Lord -- though there is really only one place He asks us to test Him (see Malachi 3:9-10 NIV):

"You are under a curse—the whole nation of you—because you are robbing me. 10 Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it."

Throughout Scripture we are told NOT to put God to the test, but in this one thing, I am doing it. I simply mean by this that I am holding Him accountable to His Word to me. He has promised me a new job, a job that will provide sufficiently for me and my son, and a job that will not require standing all day long. This is my test of the Lord -- to see His hand deliver His promise. I will wait for it, I will watch for it, and I will prepare myself to receive it. My Lord God is faithful and He never changes (Malachi 3:5-6 NIV.)

"So I will come near to you for judgment. I will be quick to testify against sorcerers, adulterers and perjurers, against those who defraud laborers of their wages, who oppress the widows and the fatherless, and deprive aliens of justice, but do not fear me," says the LORD Almighty. I the LORD do not change."

My God is looking out for the widows and fatherless -- He is looking out for me and for my son. As I daily deal with the reality that my husband has chosen to abandon us, to leave us and walk on in his own way, I find myself wholly committed and devoted to the One who promises me that He will stand beside me and defend me.

Just today, I found out that my husband is again planning to move out. He never tells me, only our son, and then only in very vague ways. I never know from today or tomorrow what his plans will be. He hates it when his mother does this to him, and then he goes and does it to other people. It is control -- his mother weilds it well, and he has learned how to do this from her. If he doesn't bother to tell you what his plans are, then he doesn't have to be accountable to you for them. He has total control over his days because no one has any information to say otherwise.

Will he leave at the end of this month? Maybe, maybe not. Will he walk out on us and leave us with a house that is falling down and in desperate need of repair? Yes he will. Will he leave without paying the skyrocketing gas and electric bill (now over $500 and due to be shut off on 9/1)? Can he pay this or will he choose to use this money to get himself situated?

I have no knowledge of his plans nor do I have any sense of trust or comfort that he will do the honorable thing. He will leave or at the least, this is his plan. He will leave us with the debt, the destruction, and the devastation and he will walk into his new life. He has destroyed my life, that is for certain. He has caused incredible devastation in the life of his son. He has no sense of compassion for either of us, and he doesn't even seem to notice that we are suffering. Yet, when he needs his medicine or Pepsi or deodorant -- he has no qualms about asking me to "pick them up" the next time I am at Wal-Mart. Does he give me money for these things? No, he doesn't. He just expects me to do it.

I sit here today, feeling worn and useless. I have become refuse at the hand of a man I loved and trusted. A man who has no thought about me whatsoever. He never even gives me the time of day, yet we live under the same roof. He asks me for dinner, he asks me to wash things. He simply believes that he is entitled to these things. This is how it has always been -- the difference being that I did them thinking I was a good wife. Now, I am nobody's wife -- just a slave and a servant to a man who thinks he is king.

I have had it. I am disgusted, and I have pleaded with the Lord to remove us from his presence. This has not been the case, and I am now suffering so much pain as a result of sincerely attempting to work to earn enough money to leave our home. I wish I could explain the depth of despair I feel inside, and how this wound is being re-injured over and over and over again. I no longer want to be wounded this way. I want the pain to stop. I want God to step in and rescue me -- no, save me.

Dear Lord,

I confess your Name and I am crying out for your mercy today. I need you to provide a way out of this situation. I need you to come and save me today. I beg of thee, Father -- Holy Father, please do as you have said in Malachi and defend me from those who choose to injure me and defraud me this day. In your Name, Dear Blessed Jesus, I pray -- Amen.

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