I am in crisis today. I was in crisis yesterday, too; but, I was busy at work and didn't have a lot of time to think about it. Once I got home, ate some dinner, and settled in for the night -- I started to panic. It seems that nothing is coming to pass as I expected. I am doing the same thing every single day, and waiting for God's promised rescue to arrive. It hasn't come yet, and I am getting worried. Worry is the result of fear, and often we worry about things we cannot control (yes, this is something I cannot control). Generally, worry is a lot of hooey, in the sense that we tend to worry about green monsters and giants that are really just every day concerns made up to look like green monsters and giants. Worry does that -- it escalates the little into the mighty and the longer we look at the illusion the more dismayed we become. The key to battling worry is to simply consider the original thing, and then keep it squarely and firmly within reality. If we look at something as it really is, then we are better able to keep a right perspective on it. If we allow it to morph into some big bogeyman, well then, that is what we fear and end up having to deal with by running scared.
I am in this boat, though my bogeyman is pretty real. I am in a tight spot whereby I see no solution at hand. I have real fears, real worries, and they are getting bigger by the minute. The problem is that my fears and worries are escalating out of my control, and not by my own hand. For example, an unpaid utility bill that was $200 last month has now become $550 this month. If the bill goes longer, it will be $700-1000. Moreover, how long with the ulitity company allow us to keep our service on if we do not pay our bill? In AZ, in the summer -- we must have electricity to power our AC for without it we would suffer and potentially die (yes, heat stroke is very common among poorer people who have no AC or rely only on a swamp cooler). This crisis is big, and it is getting bigger by the day. I am doing what I can, and am willing to do more, but I am finding that my way is blocked. I cannot work more hours (physically unable); I cannot make ends meet on what I am being paid now (at Macy's). I need a full-time job, but now wonder if I can even do graduate school and work. I used to be able to do it, but that was back when I was 28 and had no other responsibilities. I am 48 (almost) and soley responsible for everything including my 17 year old son. Everything falls on me now, and in theory, I know all this is possible. I am just finding the reality to be different from the theoretical.
I cried out to the Lord today, and I am still at odds over this whole situation. I am faithfully waiting on the Lord, and He is here -- He comforts me daily. However, solutions are not coming to pass as quickly as I think they should. This is typical, and I don't consider myself any different from anyone else. However, this present crisis has been going on for a year (marital - changing into singleness). The financial crisis of my life has been going on for 26 years (I have never had "enough"); and I am at the breaking point. I was able to handle the financial worry back then because I was married and not alone in it. This time, it is all of me. It all falls to me. I can see a way out, but I cannot get to it. I know which way to go, but there is no opportunity coming to pass to allow that to be. I am literally stuck here in this dead zone, unable to move forward. This way is blocked, and I don't know why.
I blogged a couple days ago about a major boulder sitting in my path, a boulder that I couldn't shift. This boudler encapsulated my sense of feeling completely unable to do anything -- it was mighty and unscalable to me. I said then that I needed God to shift that boulder, and until He did that, I could do nothing but wait. I am still waiting on Him to move that boulder, to alleviate some if not all of this stress and turmoil. I cannot go forward, I cannot go backward, and I cannot go around. I am stuck.
You know my situation well. You know where I am right now, and how much I want your will to come to pass in my life. I don't know why we are stuck here waiting again. I don't know if I have done this or caused this through disobedience or walking off my own way. I cry out to you today to lift this boulder off the path so that I can walk on after you. I have done all that you have asked of me, and I am patiently waiting for your deliverance. Please, Lord -- let it be today? In Jesus Name I ask and pray, Amen. So be it, thy will be done.