I feel really good about the plans the Lord has for me. I recently spent about a week in what I term as "disaster land." I happened into it, and for a time, lost my focus on the goals and aspirations the Lord has placed in front of me. I started to tailspin, and in the midst of it, I thought everything the Lord had said to me was simply not coming to pass. Of course, thanks to my futile mindset, this is pretty much "normal" for me. But, thanks be to the God of all Mercy, He heard my cries of help, and rescued me "mentally" from despair and the feelings that I was sunk and going nowhere fast.
God is so Good to me, and He always is careful to make sure I understand what He is saying and doing (at times) to me/my life. Often, He will ask me, "Do you understand what I am saying to you?" I usually say, "Yes;" but truthfully, I can really only understand a fraction of what He says to me. Even in the most plain language, God's will is unknowable. He takes the time to help us see His plans, but with our human frailty, we miss the clues and cues and end up confused and confounded. Of course, this is Satan's way. He wants us to be totally confused so that we give up on God. But, God will not allow that to be, and He will always help us to understand His plans for us.
I feel like the fog has lifted once again and I am seeing things more clearly tonight. I think the whole turning point came when I realized that God's will is coming to pass -- EVEN IF IT DOESN'T APPEAR TO BE SO. You see, God's will always is done, whether we like it or not. His will is done, end of story. We can participate with His will only if we are willing to do so, and that means keeping alert and watchful of His movement in our life. If we pay attention to Him, He is more than willing to fill us in on the details. The key is to make Him and His plans central to everything you do; and, then in doing so you become a partner with God. This is what God means when He calls us His friends. God partners with us and treats us as friends instead of as lowly creatures of His making. As friends, we are kept in the loop, giving prime information so that we can be wise in this age. We are able to do mighty things by the Power of His Holy Spirit, and we are able to live in victory over Satan and sin. It is a blessed place to be; and the longer you tarry in that special place, the more you come to know it, really know it. I can tell you that when I am in that place, everything is GOOD. It just isn't a mindset or mental attitude; rather, it is a way of life. I am reminded of Evangelist Reinhard Bonnke's word: "the will of God is home." Yes, this is the best way to say it. When you are in His will, you have that settled and peaceful feeling of being at home. It is comfortable, it is good, and it is a perfect fit for you.
This is how I feel right now. I cannot see all the details of my life -- yet. I have no guarantee that another job will open up. I just KNOW that God plans to relocate me to Chicago, and that He is working behind the scenes to make that happen. My job today and tomorrow (and every day from then on) is to agree with His movement in my life. I am to be in agreement with Him, with the plans that He has for me, and with the way He is working them out in my life. In doing so, I remain right where He needs me to be: less worried about the details, more focused on the bigger picture of His will coming to pass. He is responsible for His will in my life, not me. Never once did He say or assign to me the task of accomplishing His will in my life. Yes, He told me what was to be, but He never said: "Now go figure out how to make it happen." He never gave me permission to pursue His will outside His way. Nope, the times I attempted to do it on my own, with my own understanding and such, were the times when I failed miserably. I simply failed beyond measure; and, I felt horrible while doing it. I just sunk down low and was in the deep recesses of despair.
Today, I am trusting Him to do what He has promised to do. That is all He has asked of me, to be agreeable to His will and plans, to trust Him to bring them to pass, to be patient and wait while He orchestrates the details, and then to walk in them (follow after Him) when He is ready for us to move. I can do this; yes I can!
Update: August 23, 2010
I figured out that I have been under incredible spiritual torment, and that this is why I have been struggling so much to endure this hardship. I realized today that the only reason for this kind of sorrow, this kind of confusion, and this kind of bewilderment -- is a full-on attack by Satan. I blogged today about feeling overwhelmed, and being that I was in such pain, I simply couldn't even go on. Yesterday, while at work, there was a time when I wanted to go into the dressing room and just cry. I was in such horrible pain, and between my feet and back ache, I was at the end of my rope. I did cry out to the Lord, but being that I was at work, I couldn't just leave (which is what I wanted to do.) Instead, I had to endure the pain, endure the suffering, and wait until my shift was over before I could go home and find relief.
However, when I got home, I didn't find relief -- just more sorrow, and more pain (of the emotional sort). This pain, I understand now, was for one purpose and that was simply to torment me. My desire, my heart's desire has been to glorify my God, and throughout this entire ordeal, it is the one thing I consistently pray for, and weep over. I want Him to be glorified -- it is what I am all about now. Even when I was at the very end of my being, at the point of exhaustion -- I wanted Him to be glorified. The Lord, Himself, said this to me -- "Carol, if I give you relief, you will simply push on to glorify me." I don't mean to sound arrogant or uppity, but this is true. The Lord has offered me a way out, time and time again. I take it, I thank Him, and then as soon as the relief comes, I hear myself saying to Him: "Lord, be glorified today. Be glorified in every aspect of my life." And, there I go again, down into that place whereby I suffer for His Name and Exaltation. The Word says this is so -- that He is Glorified through our suffering; and, our suffering is what conforms us to His likeness. It is how it is supposed to be -- we suffer and become like Him. In doing so, He receives glory through our own lips and through the testimony of others who witness our suffering. God alone is glorified -- and He lifts our heads up, and He comforts us all the while we are in the midst of our deepest sorrow and grief.
I am relieved today because my Savior as said "it is enough." I experienced such relief just a short time ago, and I am now blogging about it. I am tired, and I am ready for bed -- but I wanted to say that God has given me Mercy, and I am relieved today. PTL! God is so very Good to me.