August 30, 2010

Why Do I Feel This Way Right Now?

(besides being stuffed -- just ate dinner -- LOL!)

Since I got back from my interview, I have racked my brain over what I should have or shouldn't have said during the time I was being questioned. Yes, I felt like a criminal under the hot light of interrogation (no, not really -- they were very cordial to me) -- and I didn't think well on my feet. I am not the most quick witted, you know. I tend to need time to evaluate, to think things through clearly, to sit and stew a bit -- and then I usually can find the best answer to the problem. I just don't do well "on the spot."

In the past whenever I have had an interview, I almost always met with one person only. It usually went well, and the questions were typical about your background, previous experience, etc. This was more like an oral exam whereby I was asked to explain something I didn't really prepare to explain. Yes, that is it exactly! I get it now...

You see, I am a control-freak (sort of, well, I am recovering now, LOL!) I am not as bad as I used to be, but I am the type of person who needs a set schedule, a list of things to do, and boundaries for my life. I function well within boundaries. This interview was like playing a game, yet not knowing the rules. The other players knew the rules, so I was at such a disadvantage. I didn't even get a warm fuzzy, "welcome to our college, how are you, good?" type of feeling. Nothing, nada. It was down to brass tacks and I was stuck there trying to answer questions when the answers were very open ended. I would have done better with a written exam (LOL!) That is true, really true. The interviewers had papers with exam questions on them, and I wanted to say "can I have a copy and I will write my answers out to you." I am not joking here -- this is exactly how I felt -- I felt like a kid who shows up for class unprepared for the exam. And know this -- in my 2.5 years of college coursework (for my BA), I never showed up unprepared. I always was prepared, well prepared.

Today, though, I was thrown to the lions, and I survived it whole. I don't have a clue if I am to get the position or not, or even if they liked what I had to say; but at the least, I made it home in one piece. Hooray!

I asked the Lord: "why do I feel this way?" and this is what He said to me. He told me that I feel this way because I am in need of being prepared and in control of the circumstances in my life. This interview was a test of sorts, to see how well I would do in a situation whereby I had no knowledge of what was being asked of me. I was sent in blind, and told in essence to "sink or swim." I chose to swim, and I did my best; but I felt so inadequate and unable to really grab hold of anything at all -- no sense of "I am doing OK" or "they bought that answer." Nothing, nada. Instead, I just did my best to swim with them, and then I swam to shore. "But why, Lord? What does this benefit me?" Answer: "this kind of scenario helps you develop confidence in situations when you clearly are out-numbered and out-gunned. You have to think on your feet, maneuver, and do your best." Well, I did it, at the least I think I did my best.

I am still uncertain if this job interview was a test in the sense of just testing my skill at interviewing or if it really is the Lord's will for my life. It is OK if it turns out to just be a warm-up exercise to something else. I won't mind. I like the job. I like the work. And, the pay would be good enough for me. Is it perfect? I am unsure. It is something I can do, and I can do it well. But, am I really a do-diligence type of person (yes, I am). Am I Ok with doing web design for the next two years? (yes, I am).

Oh Lord, so why do I feel the way I do? His response is just this: I love you, Dear Little One. I love you very much. My plans are good, your life is good, and I know what I am doing. Trust Me.

Ah, those two words -- the two words I have come to expect from Him time and time again. He knows what is best for me. He knows me best. And, if He thinks this job is best, then so be it. I am OK with it, I am willing to do it, I am agreeable to the whole matter. So be it. I will let it be for now.

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