September 9, 2010

Bummed

I am really bummed today. I got up early, twice; but, didn't get out of bed officially until 6:00 a.m. The boys were acting wild again, so I did my best to keep them out of the bedroom, and I tried to get myself to fall back to sleep. All I could think about was "Troilus and Criseyde," which is a poem we will have to read (in Middle English) in Graduate school this fall. I have never read it; but the very thought of doing it -- intimidates me! I guess my mind was dwelling on that fact throughout the night!

I sat for a bit out in my comfy chair, and I confessed my arrogance and pride to the Lord. I have been doing this a lot lately, and frankly, I am disgusted with myself. I am really, really tired of the way I am acting -- not believing God, not trusting Him to do what He says, and then not relying on Him for advice and counsel. I know better -- I know Him better; yet, I still do it. I cried out with the Apostle Paul -- why do I do such things when I know better? It is my flawed human flesh, and no bones about it. I am flawed. I am so utterly downcast, and I cannot save myself, I cannot pick myself up, and I cannot see anyway out EXCEPT through Him, through my Savior -- Jesus Christ.

I know not to do these things, I know how I must trust Him. I know that if I will, things will go much better for me. I know that at the least, I will have His Peace. Yet, time and time again, I just blunder on through, doing it MY WAY. AGH!

So here I am sitting and blogging, and I am feeling very downcast right now. I got a reply back from Apple, thanking me for interviewing for "this role." I didn't get the job, and the funny thing is -- I never knew what job it was for at all. I don't think the other guy knew either. We both interviewed without knowing what we were interviewing for, and that was just down right weird. How does that make a person feel, to be told "sorry you don't fit" -- "fit what?" I don't even know how to reply because I don't know what to say or do about it. And, furthermore, I cannot improve my interviewing skill because I don't know what was amiss. Argh!

Well, on the upswing of things, I have another interview with a local community college next week. This position is for a one-year contract as Community Relations Coordinator. I don't even recall the job itself, and now I cannot find the posting to clue me back in to what the job entails or even what it pays.

I guess the deal is this, I really don't have any way to be employable right now, outside of Macy's, that is. I am stuck working at Macy's for a time, which I don't really mind at all. I have been offered two full-time positions there, and perhaps I need to reconsider these jobs. FT is 28 hours or more. Still, I cannot live on 28 hours at $8.25 an hour (about $900 per month). It is possible to work more hours; but the full-time employees I know are struggling to maintain 32 hours (to keep benefits) as it is, so I doubt I would be able to work up to a full week. No, I think I have to continue to look elsewhere, and trust the Lord for His Provision and timing.

I am bummed about Apple. I sort of got my hopes up that I could work there -- in any capacity -- but this is not the case. I am not cut out for retail, at the least, not in Apple Retail. That is OK, I guess. I know my limits, and I know what I am good at and what works best for me.
  • I am a people-person, but not on a large scale.
  • I like to work individually with people, one person at a time.
  • I like to take the time to get to know people, really know them, and then to minister to them through encouragement and edification.
  • I am not a show boat, and I don't like "fun" in the sense of carousing or jumping around.
  • I am a quiet, studious person who likes to do things on her own.

The problem is that I don't fit well into any job. Apple said I don't meet the needs of "today." What does that mean? Am I not up on technology? I guess so, but then I didn't really get any chance to express what I can do at all. The other guy monopolized the entire conversation with his skills. I just sat there and then tried very hard to answer the managers "very vague" questions. I am not a good "group interviewer" and I know it. I much perfer to meet one on one, and to take the time to get to know a person. The manager said this is what he wanted to, but that clearly wasn't the case. He didn't want to get to know us at all -- he just wanted to screen us and determine if we fit into a predetermined category (undefined). Oh well.

So where does that leave me today? Gosh, I truly don't know. I thought for sure I would get hired by Apple -- I mean, I am a computer geek of the nth degree. I just don't have all their gadgets because I cannot afford them (maybe I should have said I was being divorced unwillingly, supporting my 17 year old son on my own, and trying to go through graduate school -- kaching!)

I know this, if there is any consolation prize to be had at all -- the Apple Store at Scottsdale Quarter, while it may be Apple's Flagship is really not for me. It was way too high-intensive, way too noisy, and way too discombobulated for my comfort level. It was cool, for sure; and it was very busy -- but for me, I like low-key, I like quiet, I like to think. This was not a good thinking place at all. Even at Macy's, which can be very busy at times -- I still can find quiet time, quiet space, zone out work (like doing "go backs"). I like Macy's -- I don't care for the money, and the shifts can be hard on me; but overall, I like them a lot.

Dear Lord,

I am in such a quandry right now. I thought for sure that working at Apple would be your will for my life. It seemed such a good fit for me; but in the end, the store and the job didn't suit me well. I don't understand this at all. I don't understand why I am going on interviews for jobs that clearly aren't a good fit for me. I know you have this all figured out and Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us "not to lean on our own understanding;" so I am wary of doing that right now. I ask for clarification, and that you would help me find the best job for me at this time. I thought Apple was it, and I had such a good feeling about it. However, it turned out not to be the case; therefore, I ask you to open a door someplace else, and then provide a way for me to walk through it. I ask this now in your Name, Dear Sweet Jesus, Amen.

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