I am exhausted. I woke up exhausted, and even now after having my first cup of coffee, I feel the exact same way. Not to mention that I am a bit depressed too. Today would mark my 26th Wedding Anniversary, and instead of thinking happy and blessed thoughts, I am simply reminded of the deadness of the marriage, and the hopelessness of any relationship therein. I am trying not to "go there;" you know, better to just stay focused on what is ahead today. I cannot really help it though, I simply cannot. My marriage was my life, it was everything to me. Sure I wasn't a perfect wife, and we did have issues -- lots of them; but, it seemed like we were working through them, communicating, and at the least, were on the same page (so to speak). Of course, that was what I thought -- what I believed; and, I learned that I was in error. We were not on the same page, we were not working through issues (just burying them), and in the end, we were not communicating effectively to really promote growth and well-being. We were living a grand lie, a false dream, a sitcom of sorts -- all put on to keep "up the show." Now, I do not believe that I did this at all, that this was what I was doing; but it does prove itself out. The relationship was for "demonstration purposes only" and was only real when it had to be real. The rest of the time it was one-sided, one-way, and for one purpose.
It breaks my heart to even write that because it is so downright awful, just awful truth. I hate that this is what my life is today, and that I have lived this way so long that I just accepted it as "what it is." This is truth -- I came to accept my marriage for being "all that it is" a very long time ago. I said those words: "I made my bed, now I must lay in it." I knew back in 1987 that my marriage was messed up, and that unless it was turned around, it was going to work out badly. I gave it my best, tried my hardest; yet in the end, it wasn't enough. My best just wasn't good enough.
Marriage is a union between two people, not just one. And, like a row boat or canoe (a better analogy), you cannot get very far with one person rowing or paddling. In fact, in a row boat, you will just go in circles. In a canoe, you will just float wonkily down the river (side to side, traversing, but never getting very far). This is exactly what my marriage was like. I did all the rowing, all the steering, in an attempt to navigate us down the river. I did it by myself, and occassionally, I would have some help. We never got anywhere, we just wandered further and further off the path, out of the current, and into small eddies where we seemed to get stuck for long periods of time.
I look back now and I see this -- it is all I see. I don't see the happy times because there were not very many of those. I see a few memories of times when we did actually come together and begin to move in the same direction; but mostly, I see me following after my husband trying desparately to get him to turn around, go the other way, come back with me. He always was off doing his thing, going his way, and we (me and my son) were supposed to follow him. This is natural really, most marriages are this way to some extent. The key is to make sure that the one you are following is worthy of being followed, and by that I mean simply, are they doing what is best for the family, for the wife and children. Are they following Christ? If so, then more than likely, they are going to follow the right path, and take careful consideration of those in their care. However, if they are following their own gods, their own lusts, their own passions, their own desires, and not really paying much attention to their families -- well, then the families will find themselves in the exact same spot as the father/husband -- and typically, that is as far from the Lord as possible.
I did this, and I can admit it now. I followed the wrong leader for such a long time. To make matters worse, when I noticed I was doing this, rather than standing up and saying NO, I continued to follow. I didn't stand my ground and say that I would follow Christ first. I laid my relationship with Him aside to follow the one whom I thought I was supposed to follow. I never realized that my standing up probably could have made changes in my life, and in my marriage. It is very likely that it could have changed things around drastically by simply being a Christ follower first and foremost.
All that aside, I am where I am now, and this is my life. I have made great strides to walk now, to follow after Him alone, and I am changing pathways. I am not where I need to be personally, yet. I am on my way, though, and I am being changed inside as well as externally. I am tired, and I am so weary of the work to be done. I want this to end, to be over, so that I can rest again. This time, I want my heavenly rest, I want the final rest where I hear my Lord tell me: "Well done, my good and faithful servant." Oh yes, Lord -- let this be soon. Come, Lord Jesus -- Come quickly!
Today, I have to work at Macy's. It will be a long day for me and I am not in the best frame of mind right now. I pray for your Grace so that I can tolerate standing and the work I must do. I also ask for your mercy so that I can be at rest in the plans you have for me. My life is turned around, upside down still, and I am struggling to try and find the way out of this last bit of mess. Please provide your light, and your counsel -- show me the way out. I ask this now in Jesus' Name, Amen. So be it, thy will be done. Selah.