September 20, 2010

Finishing Well

Today was an incredibly tough day for me. I worked about six hours at Macy's and I had very few customers. I think I ended up with 75% of my sales goal (not bad for a Monday). My feet really hurt today, and I have to work an eight-hour day tomorrow (groan!) This is followed by another six-hour shift on Wednesday. This schedule is going to do me in, but there is nothing I can do about it now. I am stuck with it, so I will muster up the strength and fortitude, and keep on "keeping on."

I spent the majority of my day alone, so that gave me plenty of time to be with the Lord (yes, even at Macy's I speak with Him -- I am sure folks think I am strange, but I don't care -- He is my Lord, and I needed Him today!! PTL!!) I am really struggling with this whole idea of how to work and go to school. I can handle my course load so long as I work no more than 20 hours each week. I cannot imagine working FT, though the Lord assures me I can do it. I am certain I can as well -- but do I really want to do that? Yes, that is the crux of the issue. I am being a bit whiney and I confessed this to the Lord today. You see, I really do not want to work at all; that is, no work unless it is my career work/job after I graduate. I am tired already, I am bone weary and I simply want this entire episode of my life over -- pronto! I don't want to drag things out more than necessary, and I don't want to go to more interviews. I am tired of interviewing and getting my hopes up -- just to find the process distasteful and disappointing. I am being grumpy, that is all; and I know better. God is so Good to me all the time, and He patiently endures while I whine and complain. I want His will, yes -- yes -- yes! But, I also want my way, and there you have it, the fine points of why I think I am in this foul mood, and why I am feeling so awful right now. I am tired of waiting, I am tired of bending, and I am tired of agreeing with Him -- even though I know He is right. I am just tired of the length of this ordeal, and I want the end to come now. Getting a good job would bring the end to hand. Finishing my schooling would as well. I can do neither right now, so I am left with more status quo. I am so very tired of the status quo, and I want things to be done, to be settled, to be over.

I don't know why I am still here, still here waiting for someone to solve my life's crisis. I don't know why I cannot seem to get a job. I don't even know why I am sitting here now, in my home, typing on my computer keyboard, with my life in shambles. Everyone I know asks me the same thing -- "why do you stay?" Why do you put up with it, Carol? I try and answer them with the following -- "I simply am unable to do anything different at this time." I don't have a job so I cannot move out. I don't have my school finished, so I cannot start looking for teaching positions. I simply am stuck, and there is nothing I can do about it.

I don't want to be stuck anymore, so how to I get myself "unstuck?" I just asked the Lord why I am stuck, and He said "write" so that means there must be some truth to be told through my angst and efforts at dumping on my blog (always, always truth comes when I write).

Why am I stuck, Lord? Why hasn't a job come to pass? Why am I still here in my home, sharing it with my husband who really doesn't want to leave, but has no interest in stopping the behavior that tore us apart initially?

I was in the bathroom at Macy's earlier today, asking the Lord this same question. His reply was simply this: it is my way of protecting you and preparing you to lead your own life. Yes, I can see that this is clearly the reason for the delay. I have never lived on my own, and at 48 years of age, have never had to be totally responsible for myself (paying bills, travelling, etc.) I have always had my Dad or my husband to take care of me.

Is that all there is to it? His answer is no. The short of it is this -- my life is in transition and I am in the midst of changing everything about myself. I am being reborn, like the Phoenix that rises up from the ashes of the fire, so too am I being remade and given new life. I have been a Christian for many years, and recently experienced what I consider a foundational rebirth of a spiritual sort. I have been changed dramatically and I am no longer the person I once was -- that is for certain. However, this is a physical and mental rebirth for me. This is a change of identity, a realignment of my physical well being and my mental state and my emotions to conform to His will and preferences for my life. I have not only changed spiritually, but my entire person, my personality, that part that is me, has been changed to suit His needs. He is not done with me yet, and I guess I am not done learning how to be the new me. So I wait. So I rest. So I sit awhile longer at this depot on the great railway journey called life. I sit here until the Lord finishes making me into the person of His choosing, until I am ready to do everything He has planned and prepared for me to do before the foundation of the world.

Ok, Lord -- you win. I will sit and wait until You -- the Master Sculptor are ready to unveil your living creation and masterpiece. I will wait until You say "it is done;" and then I know this time, this delay, this waiting period will make more sense to me. I will wait upon the Lord for He is so Good to me.

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