September 4, 2010

Grace and Peace

Ok, what a weird night. I went to bed feeling pretty unwell (monthly misery), and slept off and on all night. Partly this is due to my monthly misery; but also, I think I am starting to get hot flashes (yuck!) I am at the age for these to begin, I had just hoped that I wouldn't start them so soon. Sigh! I slept lightly, tossing and turning, and having one very strange dream after another. Nothing major, I think; just weird dreams about being on a boat with my cat, Ike. I think my parents were there too, but I don't remember all the details.

I got up at 5:00 on the dot, fed the boys, and then tried to go back to sleep. My mind was racing through details and such, and finally I decided just to get up at 5:45. So here I am, drinking my morning cup of coffee, checking email, and blogging. I actually like getting up early. I like that the house is quiet and dark, and that I am all alone (it seems). The boys tend to settle down once I get up, not sure why they do that; but, they do. They run and jump and pounce until I get up; then, they just lay down and rest. Weirdsville, to say the least.

I came out into the office a few minutes ago and said this: "Lord, I cannot explain it, but everything just seems "right" to me. I feel like this is right (the job, staying put, doing what is right at hand, etc.)" As I sat down, I said, "It really isn't right or wrong, it is more just a sense of peace. I feel really peaceful about staying put, and doing this job at the Apple Retail store."

I wish I could explain it better; but I think it is just a matter of accepting what is, and then acknowledging that I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I know some details, thanks to the Lord for He has been Kind and Gracious to me in that regard; but generally speaking, I do not know what today will bring or tomorrow or five years from now. I only have an inkling -- I have only looked into the mirror of my future and seen a distant vision. It is there, a vision of what can be; but, the steps leading up to it are clearly marked "unknown." I have a plan, I have a path to follow; yet, even in that path, I don't know every turn or what will be when I arrive at my final destination. I simply must walk on in faith, holding to the vision God has given to me. I look to it, think upon it, dream about it, believe it with all my might; and then, I trust it to God to come to pass. I am the doer of the Word, my job is to do the Lord's will. How I do it, where I do it, and when I do it -- these are all in His hand, and will come to me when He determines it to be so. Until then, I must do what I can do now, and leave the rest to Him.

What does this mean for me now? Well, I think the short of it is this: I do believe that some day I will relocate to the Chicago area. I have tried in vain to get there now, believing that it was the Lord's will to go there and the Lord's time to do it. However, nothing has materialized to get me there. I cannot go right now -- clearly, I cannot go. I can continue to think, to purpose, and to hope to go there; but for now, I must reside here and make the best of what God has given to me. This means that I must find work (well, He will bring me work -- I just have to do the job) that will provide for me and my son. I have an interview on Tuesday with the Apple store in Scottsdale. It would be a good start, it would be some place I would like to work, and I could do this work easily with my other responsibilities (school, cello, home school, etc.) It must be God's provision to me or else I will not do it. I believe it is His answer to my greatest need right now; so I will wait until Tuesday and then go and see what is what.

Moreover, I will need a place to live. My husband is not moving out, at the least it looks that way, and we cannot continue to live together in this quasi-married state. It is not fair to either of us. He is sleeping on the sofa, and I in the bedroom. It simply is not a good situation. I am not proceeding with divorce, like my family wishes; instead I am allowing my husband to make that choice. I am choosing to be separated for now or until the Lord directs otherwise. God knows what He is doing within my husband, and I am content to simply wait this one out (in separate homes). There are plenty of nice homes to be had, with the right income; and, my prayer is that this job will pay well enough for me to either rent/lease or purchase another home. The house market in Phoenix is really depressed, and this is a good time to be a buyer. I will need some assistance to get into my own home; and, I am sure the Lord has that one covered for me.

Lastly, my son is undecided on his career path. He is still pursuing audio engineering, but now has some new opportunities on the horizon. He has started choir at church, and will be playing keyboards in the main worship band. This is a huge development, and I believe is a direct answer to his prayers. God has plans for him just as surely as he has plans for me. If God plans for him to pursue ministry, then he will need to go to Southwestern College here in Phoenix. It is best not to enroll at the JC, as they prefer incoming freshman to have zero credits. This is fine with me, and will work out well for us to plan 12th grade this year. I already have all the curriculum for him to use, and I now have it scheduled into home school tracker. I can easily print out his work, and if the Lord does provide this job, I will be practically 3 minutes away from home. I can come home at lunch to check on him -- and it should work out just fine with my parents filling in the gaps in time. Also, his nightly schedule will be full. He will have some church or music related activity to do every night of the week, except for Wednesday. This is the Lord's doing as He told me not to worry about DJ. He specifically said that "he will be plenty busy, Carol," and sure enough, he is. God is so GOOD to me. He always takes care of everything so that I don't have to worry and fret over the details.

My prayer today is no different than every other day. The only real difference is this: I am at peace with the idea of staying here, working at the Apple Store, and doing the dailiness of life in Phoenix. I have everything I need here at my hand, and in a very short time, I will have a good job and a new home to live in. God is so very Good to me.

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