September 23, 2010

Relearning How to Be Submissive

I am in the midst of a major funk. I cannot really explain it, other than to say, that I have been befuddled about some points in my life at the very same time I am clearheaded on others. How can it be? How can you know, really know something; and, then find that the next minute, you know absolutely nothing? Ugh!

I had dreams again last night, well really, for the last two nights. Thankfully, they were just odd or strange dreams and nothing scary or icky. I just remember tossing and turning all night long, and then waking up thinking, "What was that all about?" I have blogged before about my dreams, and how they always do seem to have some purpose. I am able to gain some truth after spending time reflecting on them, and almost always they point to the chaos or the unknown parts of my mind -- something I am wrestling to try and understand. Dream specialists say that we frequently dream to help us understand the events in our life. Often, we are too busy during the day, or the event is simply too emotional for us to handle, so it gets suppressed and pushed away until a later day. At night, when our physical bodies relax, our subconscious is able to reconstruct those events or emotional feelings tied to events, and something just happens. Our memories engage and we dream -- we dream solutions or answers or even just comfort. If we can remember what we dream, and then ponder it with reflection, often we can come to terms with the event, even if this is just simply acknowledging it or saying to ourselves, "I cannot control this, so I will trust God to handle it."

Most of my dreams are this way, and I usually do learn that I simply have to "let go and let God" take over for me. Perhaps that is what is going on right now or perhaps I am really stuck and trying to figure out something that is important to me?

My dream contained several key elements: a house/home, my family (Mom, Dad and Son -- my husband was only spoken of by me and my Mom); some location that appeared unfamiliar to me, and family (children, husband, not of my own). I am guessing my dream had to do with the following concerns in my life right now:
  • Home - my home is central to me, and is of great concern. I have blogged for eons now about whether I should stay or go; whether I could find FT work to support myself; and whether or not I was to physically move to another location. All scenarios involve me getting a new home (for rent or purchase). Home, therefore, is critical to me. As it is with most women, a home is the central core of a woman's life. Whether she is a homekeeper or single woman, God has created within us the need for a home, a safe place where we can build our lives. Our homes are important to us, and we take great pride in them.
  • Family - my family is broken apart, yet within me there is a strong desire for family relationships. I am close to my parents, and my son, of course -- but am at present estranged from my husband. I am uncertain whether I want to be reunited with him at any stage, simply due to empirical data (his unwillingness to even try to reconcile or want to rebuild our home and family). I am alone, yet I am not alone because he is still here in my home.
  • Relocation - I have looked carefully at a number of places, considering them as potential sites for relocation. Chicago has been my primary focus, simply because I believe this is where God has plans for me in ministry (down the road). I have also, more recently, received inspiration to consider Texas (once before, but in context of working for Apple). Texas, central Texas, seems to be finding it's way into my thoughts now.

So what is my status as of today:

  • I am working PT at Macy's
  • I am enrolled in two graduate courses in English Literature (my MA program)
  • I am living in my present home with my son and my husband
  • I have a car (hooray!)
  • I am near my parents (close by)
  • I have what I believe are the plans God has chosen for me to pursue (graduate study)
  • I am learning to play the cello (God's Gracious gift to me)

Therefore, this is what am I missing:

  • A permanent home for myself
  • A life without my husband
  • A career job (after graduating from school)

Now, how much time do I focus on the above three items? I would say 95% would be fairly accurate. I am doing what I think God wants for me, and I am being faithful to do the assigned work. However, my thoughts are on the above: a home for me (representing security, safety, and that center core of being home, being at home); a set life that has me as single person again; and a teaching position that would provide income/benefits and longevity for my life.

Why then do I dream about these very things if I spend 95% of my waking time thinking on them? Oh that is the big question, is it not? I think (Oh Lord, grant me clarification in this) that the reason I dream about these things, and think about them as well, is that I am not contented to allow God to determine the course of events in my life. I am content to let Him lead me through graduate study, to facilitate language study (for second tier school), and to annoint me so I can play the cello, graduate with honors, etc.; but, I am not content to let Him determine the steps to bring everything pass within the framework of His Marvelous time. I say that I am in agreement, but truthfully, I must be at odds with Him.

Dear Lord,

I do not wish for this to be the case, therefore, I lay my discontentment and my will at your feet. Only You Jesus know what must be for my life, and I am trusting You to bring about Your will for me. I know it is best, I know you love me, and I know that whatever comes will be of Your hand. I am trusting You today, I am believing in You, and I am resting/abiding in Your Spirit. Amen, so be it, thy will be done. Selah!

No comments: